


What if the Astartes watched the Text-to-Speech series ?

by DracoLazarus, Karolus_Rex



Series: What if the Astartes watched the TTS series ? [1]
Category: If The Emperor Had A Text To Speech Device, Warhammer 40.000
Genre: Banter, Disappointment, Gen, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Too many characters, spoiler characters - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-29
Updated: 2018-12-10
Packaged: 2019-04-14 14:47:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 33,944
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14138271
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DracoLazarus/pseuds/DracoLazarus, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Karolus_Rex/pseuds/Karolus_Rex
Summary: In the midst of the celebrations of the Triumph of Ullanor, a certain series of holovids has arrived from Swedesia. A group of well-known Astartes, grouped together by Bjorn the Fell-Handed's excellent instinct in finding the best booze places of the planets he visits, will now watch them...This was inspired from the Spacebattles thread "what if the Emperor watched the Text-to-Speech device", and has been previously been posted on AlternateHistory.com and Spacebattles.





	1. From Swedesia with Love

**Author's Note:**

> The first five chapters, I'd say, were mostly written by my pal Karolus, with only me doing the test-reading. And providing puns, because, puns.  
> So all credit goes to him.
> 
> Of course, all characters belong to whoever owns them, I don't know who, but it's certainly not me.

Everyone was in high spirits, and they had good reason to be. Indeed, the Orks of Ullanor had been crushed, and the Imperium was celebrating its greatest victory in the Great Crusade. Still, despite the cheerful mood, there was some sadness, for the Emperor had announced he was going to return to Terra.  
  
It was in the middle of celebrations that a group of Astartes received a rather strange package, adorned with a note saying "From Swedesia with Love!"  
  
"Ahriman, do you have any idea what this is?" asked Captain Nathaniel Garro, of the 7th Grand Company of the Death Guard.  
  
"Seems it's some sort of holovid." answered the Thousand Sons Captain, while opening the package and taking a holovid. "It says TTS 01 - Adorable Centurion, TTS02 - Religiosity, TTS03 - The Age of Apostasy, etc...I admit that I'm rather curious about what this is."  
  
"I hate agreeing with the Sorceror, but the idea of an "Adorable Centurion" is just too funny to miss." said Bjorn, and the rest of the Astartes agreed with him.  
  
"Then it's decided, let's go watch this."  
  
Some time later, they were all ready to watch it.  
  
"Tech Priest, play the first holovid." ordered the First Master of the Ultramarines, Marius Gage.  
  
The holovid starts with a picture of a grand golden gate, with a Custodian and a Tech Priest in front of it.

 **Custodian "Little Kitten" -** I really do hope this works… Is everything prepared?  
  
**Tech-Priest Cyberdong -** "The text-to-speech device has been implemented, Custodian. It appears to be functioning properly – unlike your feeble flesh…  
  
**Kitten -** Most excellent! Our glorious Emperor will be capable of conversing with his loyal subjects once more.  
  
"Can speak with us once more?" asked First Captain Raldoron of the Blood Angels. "Did something happen to the Emperor?"  
  
**Kitten -** And I shall be the first to speak with him…Hhhooo…I could just… _inhales_ Take off my armo-NO. No. Calm down. I restrained myself for millennia. I will not let this legendary moment be ruined.  
  
**Cyberdong -** Where are the toasters you promised us.  
  
"Why would the Mechanicus want toasters?" Asked Captain Santar to the Tech Priest watching with them.  
  
"I have no idea, but there are countless Cults inside the Mechanicus, I wouldn't be surprised if there's one that worships toasters." The Space Marines looked at the Tech Priest with astonishment at that last remark.  
  
**Kitten -** Quiet, you.

On screen, the Custodian left the Gate and entered a Golden Room full of skulls.  
  
**Kitten -** Well, my divine Lord. We have managed to implement a text-to-speech device into your glorious Golden Throne. Please, Lord…SPEAK TO US!  
  
As he spoke, a skeleton upon a Golden Throne appeared.  
  
"Is that the..." Dantioch couldn't even finish his question.  
  
**The God-Emperor of Mankind -** ABOUT FUCKING TIME.  
  
**Kitten -** At last! Our glorious Lord can command us once again!  
  
To say that the Space Marines were surprised at this was an understatement.  
  
**Emps -** I HAVE SO MANY THINGS TO COMPLAIN ABOUT. FIRST OF ALL – WHY DO I ONLY HAVE A FUCKING GLASS EYE ON ONE OF MY EYES. IS THAT REALLY NECESSARY? AND WHAT IS WITH THESE ULTRASMURFS – THAT I KEEP HEARING ABOUT.  
  
"Ultrasmurfs?" It was all Marius Gage managed to say.  
  
**Kitten -** O-oh. Um. w-Wait, a-are you referring to the Ultramarines? M-my Lord…they are some of your greatest warriors!  
  
Kharn and Barthusa Narek snorted at this remark.  
  
**Emps -** WELL THAT CERTAINLY FUCKING EXPLAINS IT. IT SEEMS LIKE THEIR BABYBLUE HERALDRY HAVE EARNED THEM A MOST RIGHTEOUS NICKNAME. FOR THAT MATTER I ALWAYS THOUGHT THEY LOOKED TERRIBLE. DO THEY STILL HAVE THAT FUCKING TOILET SEAT AS THEIR INSIGNIA?  
  
And they immediately started laughing. Toilet Seat! Oh, they were going to mock the Ultramarines with this one for a loooooong time!  
  
**Kitten -** Well, yes they do my Lord. They keep it to honour their Primarch, Roboute Guilliman.  
  
**Emps -** OH, WELL ALRIGHT THEN. I ALWAYS THOUGHT HE WAS THE GREATEST OF MY 20 PRIMARCH SONS.  
  
And their laughter stopped.  
  
**Kitten -** Well that’s excellent, my Lord.  
  
**Emps -** THE GREATEST LITTLE DERIVATIVE PILE OF BLUEBERRY PUDDING POP FUCKERY THAT HAS EVER GLAZED THE SURFACE OF THIS SHITTY LITTLE GALAXY.  
  
Only to restart once more at the latest remark from "The Emperor". This time even the others joined them, even if the ones closer to Gage kept their amusement to chuckles.  
  
**Kitten -** Oh…  
  
**Emps -** IS HE STILL ALIVE?  
  
**Kitten -** Barely. He was almost killed. He is currently in stasis back on the Ultramarines’ homeworld of Macragge.  
  
"WHAT?!" shouted the Ultramarine.  
  
**Emps -** CUT HIS LIFE SUPPORT AND TELL THAT STUPID FUCKING SMURF VILLAGE TO FUCK RIGHT OFF. THEIR CONSTANT, UNINTERRUPTED CHANTING IS DRILLING INTO MY SKULL AS IF THEY WERE THE IMMENSLY SANCTIMONIOUS LOVECHILD OF TINNITUS AND A JACKHAMMER."  
  
[[This is what they see](http://i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/614/334/746.jpg),[ also Ultramarine Chanting]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yx61xeDV_60)  
  
Now everyone was looking at Gage in shock.  
  
"What was that?" managed Sigismund after some moments.  
  
Gage couldn't even speak, still being shocked by the image of the Ultramarines dancing.  
  
"I was expecting that kind of thing from the Wolves, but not from your Legion." Said Ahriman, and again Bjorn agreed with the Thousand Son. _Add in ale, meat and some swords, and that's a normal Feast for us._ He thought, not that he was going to say that out loud of course, some thing better be kept secret from the other legions.  
  
**Emps -** THE PAIN OF A MILLION RIPPED OUT NOSEHAIRS ARE BUT A TENDER MASSAGE COMPARED TO THIS INEXPRESSIBLE ULTRATORTURE.  
  
**Kitten -** "Ouuuu…well…I’ll see what I can…do…But atleast we still have our mighty Grey Knights!  
  
**Emps -** I NEVER CREATED ANYTHING CALLED GREY KNIGHTS.  
  
**Kitten -** B-b-b-b-but my Lord! They are the greatest at purging daemons in the Imperium! They’re all psykers and they’ve come up with the most glorious ways of killing the enemies of man!  
  
"As if the Daemons could leave the Immaterium," snorted Ahriman.  
  
Then the strangest, and ugliest, thing they ever saw entered the room.  
  
"WHAT IS THIS TECH HERESY?! WHO DARED INSULT THE OMNISSIAH BY BUILDING THAT THING?!" Shouted the Tech Priest, and everyone in the room was quick to agree with him on this one.  
  
**Emps -** WHAT THE FUUuuUUUuuUUUCK.

 **Kitten -** Bring in the Dreadknight!  
  
**Dreadknight -** Oh greetings, my glorious Emperor…It is an honour!  
  
**Emps -** OH MY SELF WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK IS THAT STUPID ASS THING.  
  
**Kitten -** It is the mighty Dreadknight!  
  
"THAT'S A FUCKING BABY-CARRIAGE!!" shouted Kharn at the Holovid.  
  
**Emps -** THAT IS THE WORST THING THAT I HAVE EVER FUCKING SEEN EVER IF I STILL HAD EYES I WOULD REQUIRE SOMEONE TO DEPOSIT PROMETHIUS INFUSED FLOOR CLEANER INTO THEM. WHAT TERRIBLE TERRIBLE PERSON DESIGNED THIS.  
  
**Kitten -** The arcane technology of this marvellous machine was discovered by the Grey Knights and is held secretly from all inferior Astartes Chapters.  
  
**Dreadknight -** WE ARE THE HAMMER!  
  
**Kitten -** The exterior design I believe to be personally designed by the Grand Master of the Grey Knights himself, Kaldor Draigo. He is the mightiest of the Grey Knights! He is currently stuck in the warp, killing daemons daily – pillaging daemonic villages – and vandalizing the Chaos Gods property like some kind of glorious rascal! He has even written a name on a Daemon Primarch’s heart!  
  
If there's something stronger than shock, then these Marines felt it. Chaos Gods?! DAEMON PRIMARCHS?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Even Jago Sevatarion started checking his power armour to see if someone had introduced drugs on it. Well, if the Night Lord was to be 100% honest, he was just checking if someone had added more drugs than usual.  
  
**Emps -** FOR THE LOVE OF ALL STOP-SIGNS IN THE GALAXY CEASE AND FUCKING DESIST.  
  
Then out of nowhere entered an Imperial Fist, using a strange suit of power armour. Captain Santar and the Tech Priest had to excuse themselves after watching such a cute piece of tech.  
  
**Emps -** WHAT IN THE FUCK. THAT IS ACTUALLY VERY CUTE. LOOK AT ITS LITTLE LEGS AND OVERSIZED BODY. ADORABLE. COME TO PAPA, YOU.  
  
**Dreadknight -** What? Wait. No! DON’T! UEEERGH.  
  
And then the Space Marine jumped on top of the Dreadknight and sat next to the Skeleton that the Custodian claimed to be the Emperor.  
  
**Emps -** YES. THIS IS FUNNY TO ME.  
  
**Kitten -** Well, my Lord I do not know about you, but I feel this is the start of something absolutely GLORIOUS!"  
  
**Emps -** SHUT YOUR FACE YOU FUCKING BANANA.  
  
**Kitten -** YesmyLord.  
  
After a few minutes of silence, Bjorn shouted.  
  
"THIS WAS FUNNY! TIME FOR THE NEXT ONE!!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, and by the way, you can ask questions in the comments. Ahriman will receive them and answer those in a special thanks to 4th dimensional warp fuckery. We already made one such special.


	2. Lectitio Edgynitatus

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was created rapidly after the previous one, and was posted barely it after on AH.com and SB, to show it wasn't a one-shot.
> 
> Once again, I don't own any of the characters. They belong to their respective owners.

"Well this was certainly...different." Lord Commander Vespasian of the Emperor's Children, managed to say.  
  
"That's the understatement of the millennium." muttered Branne Nev of the Raven Guard.  
  
"There are more Holovids, and I agree with the Wolf, we should watch the rest," said Abaddon. "Tech Priest."

 **The God-Emperor of Mankind -** SO, LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT IT HAS BEEN TEN THOUSAND YEARS SINCE MY ANGSTY ASSHOLE OF A SON HORUS MADE ME A PARAPLEGIC AND PUT ON THIS THRONE  
  
And just in a single phrase Abaddon almost died. Horus! His Primarch! His father! Had done WHAT?!?!?!!??!?!?!?!? The other Astartes were slightly less shocked than him.  
  
Bjorn was the first to react, having his bolt pistol pointed at Abaddon's head in seconds.  
  
"Bjorn don't!" ordered Gage.  
  
"You heard it!" He roared back at the Ultramarine. "Horus is a fucking traitor!"  
  
"You say that again, and I will end you!" Abaddon darted back at the Space Wolf.  
  
"EVERYONE CALM DOWN!" shouted Kharn. "And put that pistol down Bjorn, if you want to keep your arm."  
  
Reluctantly Bjorn did as ordered.  
  
"Now, lets continue to watch to find what in the Warp are they talking about."  
  
**Custodian "Little Kitten"** \-  That is correct my Lord."  
  
**Emps -** HOW THE FUCK DID YOU ALL SURVIVED FOR TEN THOUSAND YEARS WITHOUT ME AROUND?  
  
"I'm also curious about this one," said Sigismund. "Either there are millions of Astartes dying everyday to keep the Imperium intact, or they managed to exterminate everyother race in the Galaxy."  
  
**Kitten -** Well my Lord, the Imperium has safely preserved your teachings for all these years, always submitting to your superior will.  
  
"Guess they exterminated everyone else."  
  
**Emps -** THAT'S A RELIEF. FOR A SECOND I THOUGHT YOU GUYS WOULD HAVE TURNED INTO SOME GIANT MEGALOMANIACAL GROUP OF RELIGIOUS PEOPLE RUNNING AROUND KILLING EACH OTHER IN THE NAME OF SOME FICTIONAL DEITY.  
  
**Kitten -** Oh no of course not my Lord. We would never stoop so low. We would only worship the one true god of all that is you of course! Everything else is Heresy!"  
  
At hearing this, Narek started laughing. The others looked at him, daring him to say a word about this. He didn't, but that didn't stopped him from having a smug look from that point on. He was sure his Primarch would love to watch this.  
  
**Emps -** ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?"  
  
**Kitten -** Wwwhat is upsetting you oh mighty God-Emperor of Mankind?  
  
Narek really wanted to mock the others about this, but he was smart enough not to. He would still tell all his legion about it tho.  
  
**Emps -** I KNEW THIS WOULD FUCKING HAPPEN.  
  
**Kitten -** Oh my lord, you don't have to worry about anything. The Ecclesiarchy and Imperial Inquisition both make sure that the people of the Imperium maintain their faith in you and you alone, by making sure that no one knows about the corrupting powers of Chaos. And if they somehow manage to figure it out, we'll just exterminatus the planet and it's all safe again! _[Custodial chuckling]_  
  
"WHAT?!" Narek shouted, his condescending grin having been wiped from his face. "What in the Holiest of Fucks?!"  
  
"See? This is why your religion is a stupid idea," said Artellus Numeon. "They would end up murdering millions over some kind of idiotic dogma."  
  
The Tech Priest tried his best to not be noticed after the remark of the Salamanders Captain. He knew all too well how many had died in Mars because of dogma related to which kind of Screw was the Holiest. It was the Cross Type of course, the followers of the Slot Type were all a bunch of Tech Heretics, that should be exterminated with extreme prejudice.  
  
**Emps -** THE ECCLESIARCHY? THE INQUISITION? ARE YOU SERIOUS DAMN IT REALLY REALLY srrchom SAS BANTERING  
  
_[multiple throne slap]_  
  
OKAY. REMEMBER THE AGE OF STRIFE?  
  
**Kitten -** Um... Aren't you referring to the Age of Apostasy sir?  
  
**Emps -** NO. THE AGE OF STRIFE. LET ME TELL YOU. IT WAS WHEN ASSHOLE PSYKERS FIRST STARTED APPEARING  
  
"Not a word," said Ahriman when Branne Nev started to give him a smug look.  
  
"Why? Will you destroy the Galaxy again if I say anything?"

AND ALL OF ASSHOLE MANKIND STARTED FIGHTING EACH OTHER OVER ASSHOLE REASONS. AND THAT IS WHEN I FIRST EMERGED. I DESTROYED ALL ASSHOLE RELIGIONS ON TERRA. DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY?  
  
**Kitten -** Because you are the one true God, my Lord.  
  
"Are we sure that isn't a Word Bearer disguised as a Custodian?" asked Sigismund.  
  
**Emps -** WRONG. IT IS BECAUSE RELIGION IS STUPID SUPERSTITIOUS BRAINWASHING CRAP THAT MAKES YOU INTO AN ASSHOLE. THIS IS WHY I SPECIFICALLY SAID WHEN DESIGNING THE IMPERIAL TRUTH THAT EQUALITY, SCIENCE, AND GALACTIC CONQUEST IS THE WAY TO GO, AND RELIGION NEEDS TO BE THROWN OUT A WINDOW.  
  
**Kitten -** B-b-but my Lord! What about the Lectitio Divinatatus? Telling us you were our one true god?  
  
"Seems like the book was a galactic bestseller," commented Garro, trying to cheer Narek up.  
  
Emps - THAT WAS WRITTEN BY MY WHINY BITCH OF A SON LORGAR. WHO LATER DECIDED TO DRESS UP IN SPIKES, WEAR SCARLET RED ARMOR, AND BE REALLY FUCKING EDGY. STUPID REBELLIOUS TEENAGE PHASES."  
  
Now it was the time for the others to laugh. The image of Lorgar using a red armour full of spikes brought managed to make everyone laugh, with Narek being the obvious exception. The Word Bearer was almost as shocked as Abaddon had been at the start of this holovid.  
  
"You have to admit that Lorgar is a whiny bitch!" mocked Bjorn.  
  
"If you say that again Wolf, you better be ready to defend your words with steel," the Word Bearer said, deadly serious.  
  
**Kitten -** Ah. Well I... see my Lord.  
  
**Emps -** NOW, WHERE IS MY CENTURION? YES. THIS IS TRUE HAPPINESS. SO WHAT IS THIS AGE OF APOSTASY THAT YOU MENTIONED?  
  
**Kitten -** Um... Well... how do I put this delicately...


	3. Skeleton of Mass Seduction

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was posted the day after chapter 2. Either we were on a roll, the chapters were just that short, or we weren't as picky. But we actually managed to hold a regular rhythm for a short while.
> 
> Once again, I don't own anything, characters belong to whomever they belong.

"Should we watch the next episode?" Narek muttered.  
  
"Yes." said Ahriman. "Considering the reaction of the Custodian, when asked about the...eh...Age of Something, we can expect some easy laughs. Tech Priest you know what to do."  
  
**The God-Emperor of Mankind -** REALLY?  
  
**Custodes "Little Kitten"** \- Y-yes my lord.  
  
**Emps -** THIS HAPPENED.  
  
**Kitten -** On behalf of all mankind I am really sorry my lord. I truly am. Reeaally sorry.

 **Emps -** YOU LET ONE OF THOSE NUTTY CULTS GAIN AHOLD ON MANKIND, AND GROW TO BECOME A **STATE RELIGION** OF THE IMPERIUM.  
  
Narek got a little happy at hearing this. It proved that the people of the Imperium wanted religion to be part of their lives. The others just shot him looks daring him to say anything.  
  
**AND THEN** PEOPLE START TO CUT THEIR OWN FUCKING SPLEEN OUT, WAVING IT AROUND AND THROWING IT AT PEOPLE. ALL IN A POOL OF THEIR OWN JIZZ AND BLOOD TO PROFESS THEIR LOVE FOR ME.  
  
"WHAT IN THE NAME OF THE ALLFATHER DO YOU WORD BEARERS WORSHIP?!?!?!" Bjorn shouted.  
  
"I...I...h-h-h..." The Word Bearer tried to answer but no words came to his mouth, and he just lowered his head, ashamed of what happened to the Imperial Cult.  
  
**Kitten -** I'm REALLY sorry.  
  
**Emps - AND THEN** YOU LET SOME POWER-HUNGRY MOTHERFUCKING BUREAUCRAT BECOME THE MASTER OF THE ADMINISTRATUM AND THAT OVERLY DOMINANT ECCLESIARCHY GROXSHIT. EFFECTIVELY CONTROLLING ALL OUR HOT LEATHERY ASSASSINS FROM THE OFFICIO ASSASSINORUM. AND ALL ASSHOLE PSYKERS IN THE ADEPTUS ASTRA TELEPATHICA. OH, AND ALSO OUR FLASHLIGHT GUYS AS WELL.  
  
**Kitten -** B-but-  
  
**Emps -** **AND THEN** THIS BALLS TO THE WALLS PARAMOUNT OF IMPERIAL INCOMPETENCE THAT HAS BECOME YOUR LEADER STARTS TO KILL AND TORTURE ANYONE HE WANTS BECAUSE IT MAKES HIS BUREAUCRAT BALLS TINGLE WITH DELIGHT  
  
"What in the name of Ultramar happened to the Adeptus Administratum?!" Marius Gage half-shouted.  
  
INITIATING A MASSIVE, POINTLESS PURGE OF ALL MANKIND. AND IN ADDITION HE DID ALL THIS WITH THE MOST EVIL FUCKING NAME I HAVE EVER HEARD.  
  
GOGE VANDIRE.  
  
"That name shouts « I'm going to cut your head with a chainaxe ! »" commented Kharn. "How could anyone be stupid enough to not realize it?"  
  
"I do not see what is wrong with it. It sounds perfectly fine to me." Abaddon said, Ahriman quickly agreeing with Abaddon, as he also didn't see any problem with the name.  
  
SERIOUSLY, HOW COULD YOU EVER TRUST A GUY WITH THAT NAME?  
  
G-O-G-E VANDIRE.  
  
THAT NAME IS JUST SCREAMING "I'M GONNA TAKE YOUR EYE SOCKETS AND PUT MY PENIS INTO THEM. I MEAN FUCK."  
  
"You two were saying?"  
  
"Shut up." Ahriman muttered.  
  
**Kitten -** Look my Lord. The events of the Age of Apostasy is all a great shame on the Imperium but he was brought to justice in the end! Why I was even there when it happened. Several Astartes Chapter Masters and the Mechanicus Fabricator-General came around and told us what Vandire had been up to all this time.   
  
"They guard Terra and failed to see what Vandire was doing?" Sigismund asked in disbelief. "How could they be soo blind that it took **SEVERAL!!** Chapter Masters **AND** the Fabricator-General to open their eyes?!"  
  
And then we helped out by conveying the truth of the matter to the leader of Vandire's bodyguards, the Brides of the Emperor, by directing her straight to you! Why I remember it all like it was yesterday...

 

_(Flashback to 5000 years ago. A_ **Sororitas** _and_   **Kitten** _are in front of the Golden Throne.)_

  
**Head Bodyguard Sororitas -** Ah... the sacred God Emperor himself... upon the Golden Throne of Terra. He is so beautiful. I've never seen anything as bewitching and graceful in all my life.  
  
_Sisterly arousal_  
  
**Kitten -** I know right?! And we get to clean his entire body several times a week!  
  
**Sororitas -** I'm so unfathomably jealous I could BURN you all right now... but I won't so don't worry. But still...  
  
"Is she aroused by a corpse?" Raldoron of the Blood Angels asked, to no one in particular.  
  
"If you find that strange, I would advise you to avoid Mars," the Tech Priest answered. No one knew if he was joking or not, but they all made a mental note that they should avoid Mars from this point on.  
  
**Kitten,** _totally weirded out_ \- RIIIIIGHT.  
  
Anyway as you can see Vandire isn't the one your supposed to be looking up to.  
  
_More Sisterly arousal_  
  
He doesn't do anything but deceive to gain more power. He is a madman and his reign of blood MUST BE STOPPED!  
  
_Sisterly giggling_  
  
Hey- are you even listening?!  
  
**Sororitas -** Hm? Oh I'm sorry I spaced out. The Emperor has some... quite divine looking abs.  
  
"This is disturbing." To everyone's surprise, it was Jago Sevatarion, First Captain of the Night Lords, that said this.  
  
"Well, to be fair, once your Brides of the Emperor turn you on, you're kinda boned."  
  
"Bjorn."  
  
"Yes, Ahriman?"  
  
"No more puns."  
  
**Kitten -** Actually those are just bones jutting out, but anyway, I know you have served Vandire for a long time but his megalomaniacal ways must come to an end.  
  
**Sororitas -** Oh. OK.

**Sororitas** _goes offscreen_

**Sororitas -** You have committed the ultimate heresy! Not only have you turned your back on the Emperor, and stepped from His light, you have profaned His name, and almost destroyed everything He has striven to build! You have perverted and twisted the path He has laid out for Mankind to tread! As your own decrees have stated, there can be no mercy for such a criminal! I renounce your lordship! You walk in the darkness, and cannot be allowed to live. Your sentence is long overdue, and now it is time for you to die!   
  
**Goge Vandire -** I don't have time to die, I'M TOO BUSY!  
  
Bjorn and Kharn rose their drinks at this. The man may have the person with the most evil name in the history of the Galaxy, but those were some fine last words. Gage could swear he heard Kharn say "sounds like an Ultramarine" but he wasn't sure.  
_  
_**Vandire** _dies offscreen_

  _(End of flashback)_

  
**Emps -** RIGHT RIGHT. I THINK I REMEMBER THAT TOO. SOME GIRL CAME IN HERE, AND STARED AT ME WITH DEPRAVED FLUSTERED EYES. IF I HAD THE PROPER BODILY COMPONENTS LEFT, I WOULD HAVE GOTTEN A FAIRLY INSECURE BONER.  
  
"Guess he was left out dry."  
  
"BJORN!!"  
  
**Kitten -** That's the Adeptus Sororitas for ya!  
  
**Emps -**...YOU HAVEN'T MADE FEMALE SPACE MARINES HAVE YOU?  
  
**Kitten -** Huh? Oh no, that isn't even possible. Only lewd and deviant artists ever put pen and parchment to come up with something like that. _silently_ Even then if we catch all of them, we'd have to throw them into the firing squads over the course of years.  
  
**Emps -** GOOD. THE ADEPTUS ASTARTES CAN ONLY CONTAIN MALES. NO GIRLS ALLOWED, THEY ARE YUCKY.  
  
"That's not logical. Most of the meat is replaced when undergoing the Astartes transformation anyway." Santar commented, with the Tech Priest taking his side.  
  
"I concur, no evidence of the existence of "cooties" has ever been found"  
  
The look Jago Sevatarion gave them can be best summed up as "WTF GUYS?!?!?!"  
  
**Kitten -** Whatever you say my Lord.  
  
**Emps -** SO, WHAT'S UP WITH THIS INQUISITION THING?  
  
**Kitten -** O-oh boy!  
  
"Well the Inquisition thing can't be worse than this right?" asked Raldoron.


	4. HERESY ! HERESY EVERYWHERE !

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Obviously, no TTS-inspired fic would be complete without memes.  
> The one for this chapter is [here](https://img00.deviantart.net/6740/i/2010/159/6/7/heresy_everywhere_by_zombiewaffle.png).  
> Oh, and I'm actually cutting it into scenes from there on, because there are going to be more and more settings.
> 
> I don't own any of the characters, they all belong to whoever owns them.

**Scene 1 - The Golden Throne  
Emps, Kitten**

**Custodian "Little Kitten" -** Actually, I think I have to go now.  
  
**The God-Emperor of Mankind -** STOP. YOU ARE TELLING ME ABOUT THIS INQUISITION THING.  
  
**Kitten -** Ooooooh! Hold it. Wow. I think that's your regulareverydaymealofathousandsacrificedsoulsbeingprepared, let me go and check on it.  
  
"Did he just said "Regular every day meal of a thousand sacrificed souls"?!" Yesugei was completely shocked with the simple idea of a thousand people being sacrificed everyday, and he wasn't alone.  
  
**Emps -** WHAT WAS THAT?

 **Kitten -** Nothing my Lord! I'll just go now.

_Emperor-Brand youshallnotpass_

What the?  
  
**Emps -** YOU ARE NOT GOING ANYWHERE UNTIL YOU TELL ME ABOUT THE INQUISITION.

 **Kitten -** How did you do that?!  
  
**Emps -** HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN? I'M THE FUCKING EMPEROR. I SIT AROUND AND RANDOMLY SHIT OUT WARP STORMS ALL DAY BECAUSE I HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO. NOW TELL ME...  
  
"If I had been forced to spend 10,000 years sitting in a throne with nothing to do, I would also go around playing with warp storms."  
  
"And this is why no one should trust you Psykers, if it was up to you, you would risk all of the Galaxy only to play with things not even **XENOS** dare touch with an Emperor-Class Battleship!"  
  
"If you Wolves cared as much for conquest, as you care about what my Legion does, the Great Crusade would had ended decades ago!"  
  
"If you, Sorcerers, hadn't played with **DAEMONS** we wouldn't be forced to have the Crusade in the first place!"  
  
"Well, if you Wolv..." Ahriman was cut short by Yesugei.  
  
"Shut up, both of you!"  
  
_Custodial cringing_  
  
[One explanation later](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NaiiJs2XO0M)

**Scene 2 - Random-ass planet _  
_**

 

**Random-ass person -** WHY ARE THERE SO MANY WARP STORMS?!

**Scene 3 - Back to Terra**

**Emps -** I THINK I SHAT OUT AT LEAST FOUR WARP STORMS DURING THAT PRESENTATION. REALLY, WHAT THE FUCK HAVE YOU ALL BECOME? LABOR CAMPS AND STERILIZATIONS?  
  
"Don't the Night Lords already do that in a regular basis?" Artellus interrogated Sevatar.  
  
Sevatar lowered his head and hissed at the evocation. He never liked those methods, even when they were necessary. Unlike many of his legion, he disliked the brutality required. For the First Captain justice was supposed to be hard but fair, only the criminals were supposed to be murdered with extreme prejudice, not the innocent.  
  
MURDER MILLIONS OVER BARE SUPERSTITION?  
  
"I'm going to have a talk with my Primarch, the Imperial Cult must be a force of good and we must ensure it stays that way no matter what."  
  
EXCOMMUNICATION OF ACTUALLY LOYAL ASTARTES? HAVE THOUSANDS OF IMPERIAL PLANETS AND THEIR VALUABLE ASSETS DESTROYED BECAUSE SOME GUY FAPPED WITH BARBED WIRE, AND ACCIDENTALLY SUMMONED A DAEMON OR TWO..?  
  
"So you can only fuck up the Imperium _after_ you use the barbed wire?" intervened Bjorn with a smug grin.  
  
That managed to get a laugh from everyone, even Yesugei chuckled a bit, but when everyone noticed the strange glow surrounding Ahriman they all stopped, for the Thousand Sons Captain was (in)famous for his short temper and powerful psychic powers.  
  
BE PAINFULLY HYPOCRITICAL AND USE XENOS AND DAEMONIC WEAPONRY AND AID TO CARRY ACROSS "MY WILL"? USE TECHNO-MONKEYS??  
  
"What's a Monkey?" wondered Branne Nev, trying to lighten the mood.  
  
"A Monkey is an archaic creature from Terra that was extinguished almost 30 Millennia ago, after the Great War of the Monkeys." The Tech Priest was dead serious while explaining what a Monkey was. "Some idiots think they used their tails to hang down from tree branches, but any lectured Tech Priest knows that the beast’s tail was designed as a lash and a puncturing weapon to deliver venom."  
  
**Kitten -** But my lord. The Inquisition's work has saved mankind on numerous occasions! Like during the hive fleet leviathan crisis where the Inquisitor known as Kryptman stepped forward. The Tyranids, which he had previously named them, had managed to outmaneuver the Imperium but thanks to Kryptman that threat was abolished! He had managed to have a magos concoct a poison against the tyranids which they then managed to defeat them entirely with.  
  
**Emps -** AM I GONNA HAVE TO WRITE A LIST OF THINGS I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT BECAUSE WHAT IN THE BALLS ARE A TYRANID?  
  
**Kitten -** Uuuayugh, right. It's kinda nasty, but still, it was quite heroic of him.  
  
**Emps -** AND HOW MUCH DID THIS THREAT COST TO ABOLISH?  
  
**Kitten -** Well let's just say he couldn't afford to count the cost.  
  
"Considering what we know of this Inquisition thing thus far, I expect he burned down an entire Segmentum's worth of materials and manpower to defeat them." Marius Gage commented.  
  
Anyway. There was also one time during the first war of Armageddon where the grey knights and the space wolves fight off a daemon primarch. Please don't get over-sensitive about the Primarch thing I really don't need more of this.  
  
"Even in the future, the Wolves of Fenris are the only ones capable of defeating the traitors!" gloated the Fenrisian  
  
**Emps -** NOW YOU ARE BRINGING UP THOSE FUCKING GREY KNIGHTS AGAIN, WITH THAT STUPID ASS BABY-CARRIER DREADKNIGHT THING. MY INEXISTENT EYES ARE STILL SORE FROM SEEING THAT ABOMINATION.  
  
**Kitten -** Yes, but truly the Space Wolves received great aid from the Grey Knights in their battle.  
  
**Emps -** AND THEN WHOT?  
  
**Kitten -** Uuuuh. What do you mean?  
  
**Emps -** WHAT HAPPENED AFTER THE BATTLE ENDED?  
  
**Kitten -** Uh. Well. Heh heh. The Space Wolves kinda wanted to save the survivors of the war but the Inquisition sorta wanted to put them into labor camps and sterilize them and have them die off which the . . . ummm . . . space wolves didn't reaaaally like that much so ah heh.  
  
Well there was a cold war and the Grey Knights betrayed the space wolves  
  
"Looks like the Space Wolves got hammered." Ahriman mocked. "Wouldn't be the first time."  
  
Bjorn's answer was a simple grunt, he was not expecting Ahriman, of all people, to use puns against him. _This one may be salvageable,_ the Space Wolf thought, _at least he knows how to make puns_.  
  
and some shit happened **BUT THAT** isn't important  
  
**Kitten** _laughes nervously_  
  
because one time the grey knights stopped a bloodthirster years ago using a very dangerous technology called the bloodtide from destroying a world and it was truly glorious.  
  
**Emps -** AND THEN WHOT?  
  
**Kitten -** Ah shit. Um. They . . . killed a massive amount of innocent sisters of battle and anointed their armor in their blood BUT!!!  
  
Sevatar's glare of hatred was so sharp that ten millennia later, a certain Custodes felt suddenly incredibly uncomfortable.  
  
**Emps -** JUST.  
  
FUCKING.  
**  
**STOP.  
  
THIS ORGANIZATION HOWEVER IT CAME TO FUCKING BE IS OBVIOUSLY PURE, CONCENTRATED WHOLE GRAIN STUPIDITY AND WHOEVER CAME UP WITH THE IDEA TO CREATE IT IN THE FIRST PLACE IS OBVIOUSLY A FUCKING IDIOT. THEY WALK AROUND AND DO WHATEVER THEY FUCKING FEEL LIKE WHILE LAUGHING REALLY SNARKY AT ALL THE PLEBEIAN COMMUNITIES THEY SEE BEFORE THEM. ALL WHILE HAVING THEMSELVES AND ALL THEIR TROOPS ORNATE IN LOADS OF SHINY SHIT AND SKULLS TO LOOK OH SO EMPEROR WORSHIPING WHEN REALLY THEY ARE JUST CREEPS IN TRENCH COATS, AND THAT IS ALL THEY WILL EVER BE. NOW, READY YOURSELF, SEND THIS MESSAGE TO THE SCRIBES. I WANT IT SENT TO EVERY CORNER OF THE FUCKING GALAXY.  
__  
dramatic pause before message  
  
I, THE EMPEROR OF MANKIND, HEREBY MAKE MY OFFICIAL DECREE THAT ALL ORGANIZATIONS CONTAINED WITHIN THE HOLY ORDERS OF THE EMPEROR'S INQUISITION AND THE ADEPTUS MINISTORUM SHALL BE DISBANDED AND REMOVED FROM EXISTENCE. ALL WHO WORK FOR EITHER ORGANIZATION SHALL RETURN TO THEIR SECTOR OF BIRTH AND WORK THERE AS A REGULAR CITIZEN ONCE MORE. ALL WHO REFUSE SHALL BE BRANDED RENEGADES UNTIL THEY HAVE GIVEN UP THEIR FUTILE STRIVE TO CONQUER THE GALAXY IN THE NAME OF THEIR DOGMATIC RELIGION.  
  
SIGNED, THE EMPEROR OF MANKIND.  
  
"No way this can backfire." Gage's voice was dripping with sarcasm.  
  
**Kitten -** Y-yes! I shall go and do that immediately my lord. I'll be back when I'm finished.  
  
**Kitten** _runs off_  
  
**Emps -** THIS IS ALL FUCKING NUTS. SERIOUSLY, HOW COULD AN ORGANIZATION LIKE THIS SPRING INTO EXISTA- WAIT A MOMENT. I REMEMBER SOMETHING... SHITFUCK, THIS CAN'T BE FOR REAL. MALCADOR...  
  
"Oh come on! You don't just cut at this point! What happened with the Sigilite?!" Bjorn roared.

**Scene 4 - Undisclosed Mining World  
Offscreen voice, Lord Inquisitor Fyodor Karamazov**

**Offscreen voice -** Lord Inquisitor Fyodor Karamazov!  
  
"We are finally going to see an Inquisitor, I hope the Custodes was exaggerating or that he had bad information." Artellus said, trying to sound cheerful.  
  
**Lord Inquisitor Fyodor Karamazov -** What is it? Do not waste my time. I am very busy initiating exterminatus on this mining world for not giving me the shiny shit we need. Seriously, we can't have our soldiers walking around without their bling.  
  
"I want to burn him alive," the Salamanders' Captain whispered.  
  
**Voice -** A very important message has been sent to you directly from Holy Terra itself.  
  
**Fyodor -** What is it about?  
  
**Voice -** Here. Read it.  
  
**Fyodor -** WHAT!?! This is HERESY!  
  
"You are the fraking heretic!" he added.


	5. Magnus did "Nothing Wrong"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter to have been predominantly written by Karolus. The next ones are more even in terms of contribution.  
> Today's meme : https://funnypictures3.fjcdn.com/comments/Blank+_8352a62a083ef7aee7b410bddfcca717.jpg
> 
> Same as always, the characters don't belong to me, they belong to whoever owns them.

"We are out of booze." The sadness felt by the Emperor when Sanguinius died couldn't compare to the one Bjorn was feeling right now.  
  
Surprisingly, it was Ahriman that took the most pity, and, as a show of good faith towards the Fenrisian, he used his powers to bring more alcohol into the room.  
  
"Thank you!" The joy of the Space Wolf was palpable. _He may not be that bad after all!_ he thought. _Maybe I should talk with Russ about giving the Thousand Idiots a second chance._

**Scene 1 - The Golden Throne  
Custodian "Little Kitten", the God-Emperor of Mankind**

**Kitten** _enters._

 **Custodian "Little Kitten" -** My Lord, the deed has been done. And it took a fuckload of time... at least 3,000 scribes died and I somehow managed to get a headache in the process. But the message has been sent to all Inquisitorial and Ecclesiarchal Organizations in the galaxy!  
  
"3,000 dead scribes...how could you kill someone by ordering them to write letters?!" Such incompetence was so impressive that even Gage was amazed by it.  
  
"Maybe if they had replaced their organics, with robotic parts they wouldn't had died." Santar stated, with the Tech Priest agreeing with him.  
  
"If they starved them until they finished the job, robotics wouldn't have changed much..." was the Night Lord's response to that.  
  
"Maybe if they had some decent work conditions, such deaths would had never happened." Artellus declared, firmly.. . .  
**  
**M-my Lord? Hello, are you awake?  
  
. . .  
  
"I'm surprised the Emperor isn't shouting at him, complaining he took too long." Garro noted, and the others agreed with him. The lack of shouting and insults was very strange indeed.  
  
My Lord...

 **Scene 2 - Flashbackum Imperialis**  
The God-Emperor of Mankind, Malcador the Sigillite  
  
**Malcador the Sigillite -** My Lord, I have completed the mission you entrusted me. I have travelled the galaxy and found these 12 individuals of character, skill and determination. Please, if you will oversee them... I will be ready to make my sacrifice.  
  
**The God-Emperor of Mankind -** YOU HAVE DONE WELL, MY FAITHFUL SERVANT. I TRUSTED YOU TO FIND ME THE MOST INQUISITIVE AND TRUSTWORTHY THIS GALAXY HAS TO OFFER, AND YOU SUCCEEDED. I APPROVE OF YOUR SELECTION, MALCADOR.  
  
Silence.  
  
Not even the holovid was making a sound, the Tech Priest having paused it in shock.  
  
For a moment that room was filled with a deafening silence.  
  
And then it happened.  
  
"Is-is-isn't that the Emperor's actual voice?" The Dark Angel watching with them asked in disbelief.  
  
"I-it is." Kharn muttered.  
  
"D-d-do-does that means all we are seeing is true?" Sigismund's said what they were all thinking right now. "This is truly true?!"  
  
"Let's continue watching." Yesugei declared, his voice still weak after such revelation. "We must know more before we act."  
  
**Malcador -** Thank you, my Lord... These individuals will lay the foundation for the eternal watchmen of the Imperium, ever rooting out heresy and keeping mankind away from the abyss that is Chaos. Now that my final duty has come to an end... I shall make my final sacrifice for you, my Emperor.  
  
**Emps -** BEHOLD THE GREATEST SACRIFICE OF OUR AGE! MALCADOR THE SIGILLITE IS NO MORE. HENCEFORTH, HE SHALL ALWAYS AND ONLY EVER BE: MALCADOR THE HERO!

**Scene 3 - Back to the Golden Throne**

**Kitten** is _poking his bayonet into_ **Emps** _'s eye._  
__  
Squeak.  
  
Squeak.  
  
_Squeak._  
  
_FLASH_  
  
**Kitten** _falls down on the ground_  
  
**Kitten -** M-my-m-my Lord, you're awake!  
  
**Emps -** OF COURSE I AM YOU **FUCKSTODES**. CAN'T YOU SEE WHEN PEOPLE ARE HAVING DRAMATIC FLASHBACKS?  
  
**Kitten -** Oh! euhm... I'm really sorry, my Lord. Anyway, the deed has been done! The message has been conveyed.  
  
**Emps -** GOOD. HOW DARE THEY SHIT UPON THE SACRIFICE THAT MY MOST LOYAL SERVANT EVER MADE BY TURNING THE ORGANIZATION HE LAID THE FOUNDATION FOR INTO AN ELITIST SHITFEST IS INEXCUSABLE. **  
**  
**Kitten -** Excuse me my lord, I don't think I follow.  
  
**Emps -** MALCADOR THE HERO. PREVIOUSLY KNOWN AS MALCADOR THE SIGILATE. HE WAS MY BRO FOR LIFE AND THE FIRST HIGH LORD OF TERRA. HE WAS THE ONE WHO RULED AND SPREAD THE WORD OF THE IMPERIUM IN MY STEAD WHILE I WAS TINKERING WITH THIS THRONE. IF IT WEREN'T FOR THAT DISAPPOINTMENT OF A SON MAGNUS THE BOOKWORM  
  
Bjorn laughed.  
  
He laughed like he hadn't since the day the Khan had tried to teach Russ how to ride a bike.  
  
He laughed like a drunken maniac.  
  
If Rogal Dorn had been in the room, he would have called such a laughter, The Laughter, with audible capital letters.  
  
All the while, Ahriman was looking at the Skeleton, that he now knew was the Emperor, the actual Emperor, who had just called his Primarch "the Bookworm".  
  
WHO **  
**  
**_JUUUUST_**  
**  
**HAD TO FALL TO THE TEMPTATIONS OF CHAOS  
  
And just like that the laughing stopped.  
  
Ahriman didn't even reacted when Bjorn tried to hit him, with Kharn and Sigismund being needed to contain the Fenrisian, he was just too shocked.  
  
His Primarch.  
  
His Father.  
  
His Friend.  
  
Magnus the Red, would betray the Imperium, the Imperium they had built upon the blood of millions, the Imperium they had built upon the blood of his brother.  
  
How could he? How? How could be betray everything they had fought for?  
  
"Chaos...that thing again. What could it be?" Yesugei wondered.  
  
"Chaos it's the amount of disorder in a thermodynamic system" Provided the Tech Priest.  
  
"That was not, what I was asking." He sighed. "We will find about it at some point anyway."  
  
AND SENT A BRAIN SHATTERING PSYCHIC PHONE CALL TO ME WITH HIS POWERS, THE BARRIERS THAT PROTECTED MY GREATEST PROJECT THE WEBWAY OF MANKIND WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN RUINED AND MALCADOR WOULDN'T HAVE HAD TO MAKE HIS SACRIFICE.  
  
**Kitten -** Oh! So... Everything is Magnus' fault?  
  
**Emps -** DEFINITELY. IF I COULD, I WOULD BRUTALLY SPANK MAGNUS UNTIL HIS ASS WOULD TURN SO RED THAT HIS FACE WOULD LOOK PALE IN COMPARISON.  
  
Some of the Astartes laughed a nervous laugh at this.  
  
Ahriman was still too shocked over the revelation that his Primarch would betray the Imperium to care.  
  
**Kitten -** Ah, I see. **  
**  
**Emps -** COME TO THINK OF IT. IS MAGNUS STILL ALIVE? **  
**  
Kitten - Hm. Last time I heard he is a Daemon Prince now. Residing in the Eye of Terror on the Planet of the Sorcerers.  
  
"He lives?" It was all Ahriman could say.  
  
"Calm down, my friend." Yesugei was patting him on the pauldron. "We will find out what happened and we will make sure it will never happen."  
  
**Emps -** SOUNDS REALLY FUCKING NERDY. JUST LIKE HIM. LATER I WANT YOU TO SEND THOSE ULTRAMARINE SMURFS THERE AND TRY TO GET A HOLD OF MAGNUS AND BRING HIM HERE TO ME. IF THEY FAIL, THEY WILL AT LEAST NOT BE SO FUCKING SNOBBY ANYMORE AND IF THEY SUCCEED, I'LL GET TO SPANK MAGNUS SO IS ALL GOOD. NOW, I WONDER HOW THE DISBANDING OF ALL THOSE SHITTY CULT ORGANIZATIONS IS GOING.  
  
"I had no idea the Emperor had such a dislike for my Legion." Shame was patent on Gage's voice. "Do people really think we are snobby?"  
  
"Yes." Kharn's answer was as fast as it was brutal.  
  
**Scene 4 - Inquisitorial gathering**  
**Lord Inquisitor Fyodor Karamazov, Representative of the Ordo Malleus Grand Master Elirush, Representative of the Ordo Hereticus Donklas, Representative of the Ordo Xenos Adrielle Quist**

 ** **Lord Inquisitor Fyodor Karamazov** -** There is no doubt about it, fellow Inquisitors. Whoever sent this message is a heretic. There is a heretic on Terra, pretending to be the Holy God-Emperor of Mankind.  
  
"Heretics on Terra, pretending to the the Emperor?" Narek was not impressed with his explanation. "Will anyone believe this...actually, considering what we know of this organization, they will probably believe it."

 ** **Representative of the Ordo Malleus Grand Master Elirush**** -This must be the work of Daemons!  
  
**Representative of the Ordo Hereticus Donklas** \- A cult! It must be a cult!  
  
**Representative of the Ordo Xenos Adrielle Quist** \- Yes, a genestealer cult!  
  
"A what?" Dantioch inquired.  
  
"There was an old Terran Cult that worshiped something called "The Geans", maybe it's something related to that old Cult." The explanation was, of course, provided by the Tech Priest, whose knowledge of the history of old Terra, or Earth as it was called back then, was unrivaled.  
  
**Fyodor -** We cannot let this heretic keep doing what he is doing!  
  
**Elirush -** B-but we can't exterminatus Holy Terra, right?  
  
"I'm losing all my faith in Mankind." Garro muttered under his breath.  
  
**Donklas -** I don't think so. That'd be kind of counter-intuitive.  
  
**Adrielle -** Counter-intuitive? What the fuck does that mean?  
  
"How can they be so stupid?" was all Santar could say after such a display of stupidity.  
  
**Fyodor -** We cannot perform exterminatus on Holy Terra, niet! But what we CAN do... Is send an Inquisitiorial Representitive there as one of the High Lords of Terra and then argue with the rest of the High Lords until they allow us to perform a thorough search-and-purge of the planet.  
  
**Elirush -** Oho, that sounds REAL good!  
  
**Donklas -** It shall be like a manual exterminatus! With more door-kicking and burning buildings.  
  
**Adrielle -** Maybe we can check if Terra is a tomb world while we're at it!  
  
**Fyodor -** Now, my brothers and sisters. Radical or puritan. The only thing you need to do is vote for me as your Inquisitorial Representative then I will travel with my fleet to Terra, find the culprit who is behind these messages and kill him! For the Emperor!  
  
"So they're going to kill the Skeleton Emperor, in the name of The Emperor." Gage stated dryly.  
  
"It's even more stupid than it sounds." Abaddon added. "But then, this organization seems to be based on pure concentrated stupidity, so we shouldn't be surprised."


	6. Senatus Imbecilis

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> From now on, the creation process has become rather more balanced between the two of us.  
> On the bright side, it means the chapters are better. I think ? I don't know.  
> But, it also makes the chapters much slower to write.
> 
> Blah-blah, I don't own any of the characters, they belong to whoever owns them.

"We should send a Message to the Sigilite when we can." Gage stated. "To tell him that his, good, idea for an organization designed to root out heresy and to watch over the Imperium is going to fail in the most spectacular of manners.”  
  
“Why don’t we just tell the Emperor?” Vespasian inquired. “He’s here in the planet, and we could just tell him and fix all this mess.”  
  
“If a group of Astartes came to you, telling you that your favoured son was going to betray you.” Abaddon flinched as he said this, he still couldn’t believe Horus could even consider betraying the Master of Mankind. “And all they had as evidence was some holovids from ‘Swedesia’, wherever that is, would you believe them?”  
  
“Well…when you put it like that…”  
  
“Exactly. Let’s just keep watching, to find out more, so that we can know who to kill, so that we can fix this.”

 **[Scene 1 - Macragge, Home of the Ultramarines  
](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yx61xeDV_60)Two Ultramarines**  
**  
Ultramarine 1 -** Greetings honourable battle brother. Did you hear the news?  
  
**Ultramarine 2 -** Indeed I did, honourable battle brother. We have received a mission from Holy Terra itself!  
  
**Ultramarine 1 -** That is right honourable battle brother. It is time once again for us to prove ourselves as Ultramarines.  
  
**Ultramarine 2 -** And with pride and honour, we shall succeed!  
  
**Ultramarine 1 -** And we will never fail our sacred duties. AFTER ALL . . .  
  
**Ultramarine 2 -** THE GREATEST OF THEM ALL  
  
**Both -** ARE THE ULTRAMARINES!  
  
Gage’s face was a masterpiece of rage. His right eye was twitching, veins were popping on his forehead and he was even snarling. Such pure rage was so impressive, that on top of his Skull Throne Khorne shed a, manly, blood tear, for such a beautiful display.  
  
“Calm down, Marius.” Kharn said to the Ultramarine, a hint of panic in his voice. _Not even Angron gets this enraged_ , he added to himself. “Calm down.”

**Scene 2 - The Golden Throne  
Emps, Kitten**

**The God-Emperor of Mankind -** SOON ENOUGH I SHOULD STOP HEARING THEIR CONSTANT FUCKING CHANTING IN MY HEAD. I’VE BEEN HEARING IT FOR SO LONG THAT I’M STARTING TO FEEL LIKE I HAVE WARP TRAVELED ON A FUCKING BICYCLE.  
  
**Custodian "Little Kitten" -** I’m still not certain about this idea my lord...  
  
**Emps -** ARE YOU DEFYING ME?  
  
**Kitten -** No No! Absolutely not! I was just thinking that since the Ultramarines are one of the greatest forces in the galaxy, are you 100% certain that sending them to their imminent doom on the Planet of the Sorcerers is a good idea?  
  
“Well if they are stupid enough to accept that mission in the first place…” Narek never finished this sentence, a single look from Gage was all it took to shut him up.  
  
**Emps -** LOOK, MY CHILD. I KNOW YOU ARE FUCKING STUPID BUT I AM YOUR FATHER AND YOU SHOULD NEVER ARGUE AGAINST YOUR FATHER. BECAUSE HE ALWAYS KNOWS BEST. ISN’T THAT RIGHT?  
  
**Kitten -** Of course!  
  
**Emps -** THAT’S A GOOD CUSTODES. YOUR INTELLIGENCE IS GROWING REMARKABLY FAST JUST LIKE YOUR FATHER’S.  
  
**Kitten -** Aw well, thank you!  
  
_Dad._  
  
**Emps -** NO PROBLEM.  
  
_SON._  
  
Artellus was filled with joy at watching this exchange.  
  
**Emps -** NOW. PREPARE YOUR CLEANSING EQUIPMENT. MY EYELOBE ARE ITCHING LIKE THEY ARE INFECTED BY A FUCKING DEATHEATER VIRUS. ALSO BRING MY CENTURION.  
  
And now he was asking for eye promethium, he wanted to remove that mental image.  
  
**Kitten -** Right away!

**Scene 3 - Senatum Imperialis  
The High Lords, Decius, a Servant**

“So, these are the people guiding the Imperium, in the absence of the Emperor.” Ahriman said. “They don’t look like much, but looks can be deceiving, and it was thanks to them that the Imperium has stood the test of time, I have high expectations for this.”

 **Master of the Administratum -** High Lords of Terra! We are gathered here today to discuss the most pressing matter to the survival of the Imperium of Man such that we have never seen before. Should we outlaw the use of laxatives to everyone but us? Because my poo has been really hard and dusty lately.  
  
“ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!” The Thousand Sons’ Captain shouted.  
  
The reaction of the other Marines wasn’t much better. They were all a mix of outrage and disgust.  
  
Khorne was shedding rivers of, manly, blood tears at seeing so much hate, and fury, concentrated in just one place.  
  
**Grand** **Provost Marshal** \- I AM THE LAW! And not only should we outlaw laxitives, weeeeeeeee should also get a new shipment of prune cakes, cause that really helps out with how your bowels dance out poo. uh!  
  
**Lord** **Commander Militant of the Imperial Guard** \- I DISAGREE! My generals need to poo on a semi-regular basis to command those living flashlights of mine. And the workers in the T-shirt factories gotta do that too. Can't have my guys going into battle in their fucking skivies after all.  
  
**Fabricator-General of Mars** \- I thiiiiink that this it a dumb discussiooooon for yooouuuu biological types that ain't gonna get your rectums replaced with servo-skulls.  
  
“The Fabricator General seems to be the only sane High Lord.” Santar noticed, turning to the Tech Priest, waiting for him to confirm this, but he only stood silent. Santar didn’t liked that one bit.

  _[The Ecclesiarch enters the room]_

 **Ecclesiarch** **Decius XXIII** , **Keeper of the Imperial Faith** \- Alright, it isn't funny anymore! First you make fun of my hat on a daily basis and now you send this emperor damned message throughout the entire Imperium. WHY!?!  
  
**Admin -** Uuuugh, can you quiet down towerhead? I can't hear ya.  
  
**Commander -** We didn't -weh, we didn't send anything I think. Did we?  
  
**Provost -** Iiiiiiiiii don't know, who am I again? I forgot.  
  
**Decius -** Well if you didn't send it, who did? Someone is obviously being very mean.  
  
**Admin -** Oh stop your whining Decius. Can't you see that we are having a very important discussion about poo here?  
  
**Decius -** This must be the 20 thousandth time you've had that discussion.  
  
**Fabricator -** 2374th time to be exaaaact.  
  
Gage, who like all Ultramarines loved good administration, applied his hand to his face with such strength that the reinforced ceramite gauntlets shattered. Dantioch tried to cheer him up, telling him that they would make sure this would never happen, but the First Master of the Ultramarines was too Ultradepressed.  
  
**Commander -** Uuuuugh. Back in my day, people didn't count in numbers. We used good old fashion corpses to count.  
  
This was just too much for the remaining Astartes, and they joined in the Ultrafacepalm. The Tech Priest was still silent, like if he was expecting this to go even deeper into the barrel of stupidity.  
  
**Admin -** Well well! Perhaps we should outlaw counting again!  
  
And now even the Tech Priest joined them.  
  
**Provost -** Oh yeah...I AM THE LAW!!!  
  
**Decius -** Well I'm going to go back to the Ecclesiarchal Palace to figure out which one of you prune heads ordered this message to be sent around. The Ecclesiarchy is not disbanding and that's that.  
  
**Servant -** My lords. The inquisitorial representative has arrived.  
  
**Admin -** The Inquisitorial representative? I hate that person.  
  
**Decius -** Blergh! The Inquisition? . . . very well, what name does he go by?  
  
**Servant -** Lord Inquisitor Fyodor Karamazov, sir . . .  
  
**Decius -** WHAT?!?! KARAMAZOV!?  
  
The Tech Priest dropped a sigh. It seemed that the Fabricator General wasn't the usual Drunken Asshole that bribed his way into the office.

 **Scene 4 - Back to the Golden Throne**  
  
**Emps -** I FEEL THOROUGHLY REFRESHED NOW. CHAIN HALBERDS TRULY DO WONDERS.  
  
**Kitten -** My lord? I've been thinking a little. When Magnus tried to contact you, what did he try to tell you?  
  
**Emps -** ARE YOU SIDING WITH CHAOS NOW?  
  
**Kitten -** No no no no my lord. I'm just pondering here. But I'm thinking. . . let's say that Magnus was actually trying to warn you about Horus's fall.  
  
“Please let this be true. Please let this be true. Please let this be true.” Ahriman was whispering.  
  
**Emps -** OKAY.  
  
**Kitten -** If that was the case then. Magnus wouldn't have had to send his message to you if Horus hadn't fallen.  
  
**Emps -** YES.  
  
**Kitten -** And Horus wouldn't have fallen if the Chaplain Erebus wouldn't have tempted him to join Chaos.  
  
“EREBUS DID WHAT?!” Narek was livid.  
  
**Emps -** RIGHT.  
  
**Kitten -** And Erebus wouldn't have kept turning Primarchs to the ways of Chaos unless he hadn't tempted Lorgar over to his side together with the Word Bearer's first company Captain Kor Phaeron.  
  
“I’m going to kill those two bastards.” Narek was fuming with a cold fury.  
  
“You can count with us, cousin.” Abaddon declared, he too wanted to kill those two, now that he knew they were the ones to blame for what happened in the future.  
  
"When I get my hands on those two traitors, I'm going to do things to them, that will make Exterminatus look like a children's game." Bjorn was practically roaring. " **AND THEN** I'm going to force all members of the Bookbanger Legion to eat their fucking books! Narek not included of course. **AND THEN!!** I'm going to call the rest of my Legion to join in the fun!"  
  
"Do they really bang their books?" Ahriman inquired.  
  
Everyone turned to the Word Bearer, but he fell into an awkward silence.  
  
"Ok, lets continue watching!!"  
  
**Emps -** CORRECT.  
  
**Kitten -** So by that logic . . . wouldn't all this be Erebus and Kor Phaeron's fault?  
  
**Emps -** NOW YOU ARE JUST TALKING OUT OF YOUR ASS. AS I SAID EARLIER . . . EVERYTHING IS MAGNUS’S FAULT!  
  
“Oh, come on !" Ahriman was clearly irritated by that last remark."  
  
**Kitten -** Of course my lord. You're right.  
  
**Emps -** BY THE WAY. WHILE YOU WERE SENDING THAT MESSAGE TO THE ULTRAMARINES DID YOU ALSO TELL THEM TO CUT GUILLIMANS LIFE SUPPORT?  
  
**Kitten -** Eh he he he, I kind of forgot about that.  
  
**Emps -** DO THAT LATER THEN YOU SHITBOOT. SPEAKING OF WHICH, I NEED YOU TO EXPLAIN SOMETHING TO ME.  
  
**Kitten -** What is it my lord?  
  
**Emps -** WHY ARE YOU THE ONLY ONE EVER VISITING ME?  
  
**Kitten -** Uuuuuuuhm...  
  
"Why do I have a bad feeling about the next Episode?" Garro asked to no one in particular.  
  
"That's just pessimism, Garro." Sigismund said. "Only two things are certain, that it's Mankind's destiny to rule the starts, and that the Legio Custodes will always stand steadfast, protecting the Emperor. I have no doubt that, on the Holovids, they are spread across the stars, fighting to protect the Emperor and the Imperium."  
  
"I hope you are right, Sigismund. I hope you are right."


	7. The Naked Truth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The moment everyone dreaded : the Pillarstodes' entry.  
> The music for the Pillarstodes is this one :[Pillar Men - Awaken](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XUhVCoTsBaM)
> 
> I do not own any of the characters. My characters are busy somewhere else in the multiverse. Those I'm currently tracking are the propriety of whomever they belong to.

“We should start planning on how to kill those two traitors.” Abaddon said.  
  
“Definitely.” Agreed Narek. “But we can’t let them know, that we know that they are traitors, and we may need help to make sure they don’t run away. Aren’t the Luna Wolves the ones in charge of the security on the Space Docks?”  
  
“We are, I think the 10th Company is the one in charge of security today.”  
  
“Can we trust the Captain?”  
  
“We can.” Surprisingly it was Sigismund that answered. “My Primarch spoke highly of Captain Loken during the Campaign against the Ork Empire of Gharkul Blackfang, he was very impressed by the Captain’s actions during the Battle of Gyros-Thravian.”  
  
After such endorsement no one could doubt the Captain’s worth, and Abaddon went to find his fellow Luna Wolf.  
  
When he returned, 2 hours later, an Astartes in full battle plate accompanied him, with the helmet beneath his arm.  
  
“Can you finally tell me what this is about, Ezekyle?”  
  
“It’s a long story, Garviel.”  
  
“Give me the short version then.”  
  
“We're watching a holovid series from apparently ten thousand years from now. The Emperor is almost dead, resides on a Golden Throne, and the Imperium has decayed. Thus far everything the Emperor has learned of has been disappointing.”  
  
To say the Luna Wolf was unimpressed by that explanation was an understatement.  
  
“You dragged me from my post, a post given to me by the Primarch himself, because of some holovids?” It was clear, by his tone of voice, that the only thing stopping him from striking Abaddon was his remarkable self-control.  
  
“Well when you put it like that…look we need to make sure two Word Bearers don’t leave the planet, can you help us?”  
  
At this exact moment Bjorn came back. He had left the room to get more Fenrisian ale.  
  
"Hey Loken!"  
  
"Bjorn?"  
  
"Abaddon invited you to join us? Sit down! This episode is about the Custodes, it should be good, they spent the last ten thousand years just fapping around in the Imperial Palace! Tech-priest start it!" And before Loken knew what had happened he had been pushed into a seat and a mug of Fenrisian Ale had been shoved into his hands.

 **Scene 1 - The Golden Throne  
** **Emps, Kitten, Karstodes, Custodisi, Whamuudes**

 **The God-Emperor of Mankind** **-**   I MEAN, EVER SINCE I GOT THIS TEXT TO SPEECH DEVICE, I'VE NOT SEEN ANYONE OTHER THAN MY CENTURION, SOME TECHPRIESTS, THAT AWFUL FUCKING DREADKNIGHT THING, AND YOU. WHERE ARE THE REST OF THE CUSTODES? DID THEY ALL DIE OFF OR SOMETHING? ARE YOU THE ONLY ONE LEFT?  
  
**Custodian "Little Kitten" -** After we witnessed you at the brink of death, your body being sat upon the golden throne, all the custodes went into a collective depression. We all decided to stop fighting outside the planet's borders. We've never left the planet since, always guarding your sacred vessel.  
  
**Emps -** WHAT A BUNCH OF PUSSIES YOU ARE. I CAN MANAGE MYSELF, YOU KNOW. I'M NOT A REGULAR ASS FUCKING CORPSE.  
  
**Kitten -** No, of course not my lord! eh he he he …  
  
**Emps -** ALSO, THAT STILL DOESN'T ANSWER MY QUESTION. WHERE ARE THE REST OF THE CUSTODES?  
  
**Kitten -** The rest are currently guarding the palace.  
  
**Emps -** WELL. IN THAT CASE, TELL THEM TO GO OUT AND BE USEFUL INSTEAD. I DIDN'T GIVE THEM THE BEST WARGEAR IN THE IMPERIUM FOR NOTHING.  
  
**Kitten -** Yeahahaheah, about that my lord. Most of us custodes have not only sworn an oath to never leave Terra and your presence after the Horus Heresy, but have also redefined the use of our wargear and armor as to show that we are mourning your loss. It's quite hard to explain but emmm…  
  
“How can it be hard to explain armour modifications?” Santar was baffled that the Custodian was unable to explain such basic thing.  
  
**Emps -** **.**.... BRING IN SOME OF THE CUSTODES HERE. SOME OF MY COMPANIONS TO BE EXACT. DO IT NOW.  
  
**Kitten -** A-are you sure?  
  
**Emps -** DO  
_IT_  
_NOW._

 **Kitten -** Very well, just a moment my lord.

 **Kitten** _swoops in and out of the room_

 **Kitten -** Well, here they are my lord, some of your other companions.

[enter **Custodisi** , **Karstodes** and **Whammudes**](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a3k8g5oX97E)

  
The Marines would have been less surprised if they had seen a bunch of Orks enter the room, telling them they wanted hugs and that they had abandoned their Waaarghing ways, instead of the Fabstodes.  
  
Loken’s and Abaddon’s faces were a mix of horror and disgust.  
  
Santar started checking his bionics just to make sure his eyes were working correctly, while Ahriman and Yesugei started checking the warp just to make sure this wasn’t some Daemon messing with them.  
  
Gage and Sigismund were completely still, as if hypnotised by the Fabstodes’ fabulous abs, but at the same time their faces showed how disgusted they were with themselves.  
  
Kharn activated the Butcher’s Nails, he was in desperate need of something to wake him up from the nightmare in which he was trapped, while Sevatarion went blind at the light reflected by the Fabstodes’ abs.  
  
Artellus rushed to his reserve of Eye Promethium, only to find that he had already used it all and started screaming in agony, quickly followed by Narek.  
  
The Tech Priest left the room and rushed to his personal mind cleanser, followed by Branne Nev. Both were desperate to delete such images from their mind. Unfortunately for both, one of the Tech Priest’s rivals had messed up with the Mind Cleanser, reversing its effects in such manner that instead of deleting the images, those were now permanently engraved in their minds.  
  
Dantioch simply took his bolt pistol and prepared to finish everything. Garro, while completely understanding why the Iron Warrior would want to do it, just couldn’t allow it and tried to refrain the Warsmith from ending his live.  
  
Vespasian and Raldoron were the only ones enjoying the Fabstodes. That totally had nothing to do with the fact that their Legions did stuff like that on a regular basis.  
  
The Dark Angel and the Legionary with the strange Legion markings, started bitch-slapping themselves, just to make sure if this wasn’t some kind of fucked up nightmare.  
  
Only Bjorn was able to speak after such spectacle.  
  
"I WAS JUST KIDDING!"

 **Kitten -** Sorry.

 **Emps -** HOLY SHIT. WHAT IN THE NAME OF TERRA ON FUCKING ROLLERSKATES IS THIS?  
  
**Karstodes -** Mmmmm Mmmmm Mmmmm~.  
My GLORIOUS overlord. The emperor of mankind. I am honored to be in your presence once more.  
  
**Custodisi -** It has truly been too long my lord.  
  
**Whammudes -** My oiled abs QUIVER at your voice.  
  
**Emps -** SO THIS IS HOW YOU MOURN THE DEATH OF ME HUH?  
  
**Kitten -** I just want you to know my lord, this was not my idea.  
  
**Karstodes** **-** You. We don't see you much around anymore, brother. What was your name again?  
  
**Kitten -** My name is-  
  
**Custodisi -** Didn't we used to call him little kitten before he was elected as the emperor's own personal caretaker?  
  
“Little Kitten? A-a-are they talking about Shield-Captain Kittonius?” Loken still couldn’t believe what he was watching.  
  
**Whamuudes -** Oooooh my. I remember that little bottom anywhere. _aroused snickering_  
  
**Karstodes -** Hehehe. I remember now. Little kitten the elected one. Purring his way so far into our ranks. You weren't useful for anything more but sweet talk were you? Speaking of which. My glorious overlord!  
  
**Emps -** THIS SHIT IS SO SURREAL. AM I ON DRUGS?  
  
“I don’t think there are enough drugs in the Galaxy for this.” Sevatarion still hadn’t recovered his sight.  
  
**Karstodes -** Kitten over here has been your caretaker for such a long time. Would you perhaps be interested if one of your other companions took over as the caretaker. I do remember quite fondly that I was your favored warrior during the battle of Gyros-Thravian.  
  
“Is that Karius of the Hetaeron Guard?” Abaddon had known Karius for a long time and couldn’t believe that the stoic and serious Custodian could be that, that ‘thing’ in front of him.  
  
**Emps -** THE ONLY THING I REMEMBER ABOUT THAT BATTLE IS THAT ROGAL DORN, MORTARION, AND FUCKING HORUS WERE BEING DOMINATED BY STUPID ORKS. WHEN THEIR DEFEAT WAS IMMINENT, I CAME ALONG AND SAVED THE DAY WITH MY MASSIVE ARMY OF GOLDEN PEOPLE, KILLING 100000 ORKS AT THE COST OF 3 OF OUR OWN.  
  
**Custodisi -** I was in that battle as well my lord! If you remember when you climbed on the enemy warboss's gargant, you stepped on my head to get to the top. Truly I am deservant of the position as your caretaker!  
  
“Oh by Holy Terra! That’s Flavius of the Kataphraktoi!” Garro was astonished to see what had happened to the once proud warrior.  
  
**Emps -** I'M STILL NOT EVEN SURE WHY YOU GUYS ARE HALF NAKED. WHY WOULD I SUDDENLY WANT TO CHANGE MY PERSONAL COMPLAINT MANAGER? I MEAN, WHAT DO YOU EVEN DO? STAND AROUND AND FAP IN THE PALACE? **  
**  
**Whamuudes** Only on Thursdays.  
  
“By Russ’s Ego! I WAS JUST JOKING!!!” shouted Bjorn. Again.  
  
“Is...is...is that Balik’s voice?” Sigismund asked in disbelief. “No, no, no, no, NO! I refuse to believe that one of the Sagittarum would become such a ‘thing’ !“ His voice was filled with disgust.  
  
**Karstodes -** We are here to guard your holy body my lord! Not one scratch shall reach you while we stand guard.  
  
**Emps -** NO SCRATCHES HUH? TRY A FUCKING WARP INDUCED NUKE STRAIGHT TO THE FACE. SEE WHAT HAPPENS.  
  
**Karstodes -** Eeeeh. Umm. . . **  
  
** **Emps -** YOU ARE THE STRONGEST WARRIORS THAT EXIST IN THE IMPERIUM. WHAT IN THE FUCK ARE YOU GUYS DOING UNDRESSED IN THE IMPERIAL PALACE LITERALLY DOING FUCK ALL? WHEN THE LAST TIME ANY ONE OF YOU KILLED ANYTHING?

_Fabstodial uncertainty_

**Custodisi -** I killed a fly the other day.  
  
“A fly? A FLY?!” Kharn was raging, and he had deactivated the Nails just a moment ago, so this was his pure, concentrated, undiluted, rage.

**(Meanwhile, in the warp...)**

**KHORNE !!!! - Tzeentch, I hate you, and everything you represent, but fooling Alfabusa into sending those holovids to the Space Marines was one of your funniest ideas thus far.** To someone who knew the Blood God, he almost seemed to be traversed with intense hilarity.

 **Tzeentch ? -** **I know right?!** cackled back the God of Change.

**(Back to Ullanor)**

**Emps -** YOU HAVE THE BEST ARSENAL EVER PUT TOGETHER AT YOUR DISPOSAL AND YOU DO NOT USE IT. YOU SHOULD BE FUCKING ASHAMED YOU SHITNUGGETS. NOW I WANT YOU THREE FUCKERS TO GET DRESSED. GET AT LEAST A 100 OTHER CUSTODES READY. START UP YOUR SHIPS, AND GO DO SOMETHING FOR THE IMPERIUM. THE REST OF MY 300 COMPANIONS CAN STAY IN THE IMPERIAL PALACE FOR NOW.  
  
“I’m not sure inflicting those nudists on the Galaxy at large would be a good idea…” Nev muttered.  
**  
****Custodisi -** Very well my lord.  
  
**Karstodes -** It shall be done. We will be back with spoils of our victory shortly, my glorious overlord.  
  
**Whamuudes -** What a commanding presence. What I wouldn't give to play some blood games with him.

[Nudestodes go away]

 **Kitten -** So umm . . . should I go with them?  
  
**Emps -** NO. YOU ARE STAYING HERE. I STILL NEED SOMEONE TO TELL ME STUPID SHIT I CAN COMPLAIN ABOUT.  
  
**Kitten -** Oh you.

[[cue sitcom laughter]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b72qO6fFI-Q)

**Emps -** SHUT THE FUCK UP. ANYWAY, TELL ME WHAT TYRANIDS ARE.  
  
**Kitten -** Well, you're not gonna like this.  
  
“Is there something we are going to like or is this going to be a long, painful ride of disappointment after disappointment?” Gage was desperate, how could the Imperium become such a grimdark parody of itself?  
  
“I don’t know what happened here.” Loken said slowly. “But whatever you need, count with me. No questions asked.”  
  
“Thank you brother.”  
  
“Just never mention this scene to me again, Ezekyle. Never again, understood?”  
  
The First Captain of the Luna Wolves just nodded in agreement.


	8. Jeanstealers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Your meme for this chapter : [Jeanstealers](http://media.moddb.com/images/groups/1/3/2055/x_35302830.jpg)
> 
> I do not own any characters. They belong to their respective owners.

“The texture is far superior.”  
  
“Only if we are comparing it to a chainsword.” Ahriman argued. “Actually the chainsword may be less rough than Fenrisian Ale.”  
  
“Says the pansy that only drinks that Properan piss,” fired back Bjorn.  
  
“You say that again about Prosperan wine and I’m going to send you and your ale into orbit!”  
  
“Both Fenrisian Ale and Properan Wine are decent enough.” Abaddon granted. “But nothing beats good, old, Cthonian Whiskey.”  
  
“That thing is only good as a Promethium substitute!”  
  
“Well at least Cthon…”  
  
The rest of the Astartes watched as the three kept arguing about which drink was superior. In their opinion, all other drinks were inferior to the ones from their Legion’s homeworld, but they were having too much fun just watching to take part in the argument.  
  
Eventually Gage, who had left at the end of the last Holovid to go talk with one of the Captains of his Legion on the planet, returned with a Ultramarine with him. Their entry ended the booze discussion, for the time being at least.  
  
“This is Captain Corvo, of the 90th Company, 9th Chapter.” Introduced the Master Primus of the Ultramarines. “He and his Company were given the honor of protecting of Communications Array on the planet.”  
  
“The Master Primus said that there were traitors on the planet, and that you needed my aid to make sure no word of their actions left the planet. I already offered all my support, but I was told I had to watch some ‘holovid’ before you can tell me who the traitors are.”  
  
“Another to join in this excruciating torture session?” Nev whispered to himself.

**Scene 1 - Orior Subsector  
****Cypher**  
**  
** **Cypher -** Hmmpf. So. It begins. I suppose it’s time to go do something completely inexplicable.  
Again.  
  
“Isn’t that you?” Muttered the strange Legionary to the Dark Angel. His answer was a simple nod.

**Scene 2 - Senatum Imperialis  
Fyodor, the High Lords, Decius**

**Lord Inquisitor Fyodor Karamazov** \- Well well well. Hello there old friend. Ecclesiarch Decius. I haven’t seen you since our little argument on Salem Proctor. **  
  
Master of the Administratum - ** Wut? Who is it?  
  
**Ecclesiarch** **Decius XXIII, Keeper of the Imperial Faith** \- You had no right treating that preacher like you did.  
  
****Lord** **Commander Militant of the Imperial Guard**** \- Is that a goat sitting on a chair?  
  
“A goat would probably do a better job…” Gage muttered, to Corvo’s utmost confusion.  
  
**Grand** **Provost Marshal -** _[flusterd uuuh-ing **]**_  
  
**Fyodor -** I had every RIGHT Decius! I’m a Lord Inquisitor for Terra’s sake. If I suspect someone of heresy, I will take them away and torture them until they give me an answer.  
  
“So you torture them, based on what you suspect?” Artellus hate for the Inquisition grew every time Fyodor opened his mouth.  
  
“Well, if there’s some basis for the suspicion, I see no problem with a little torture.“The look Artellus gave him was so full of hate, that Sevatarion was quick to fix his comment. “If there’s some evidence to back it up, of course!”  
  
**Provost -** That’s not a chair little billy! That . . . That’s a toilet I think. . . mmmergh . . . I need to Poooo! Mmmergh.  
  
**Decius -** He saved his entire world! With his people he lead and reconquered his planet for the Emperor, defying the heathens who controlled it.  
  
**Fyodor,** _disgruntled -_ That young boy was nothing but a false prophet who lusted for power...  
  
**Decius -** That’s. Just. Not. Right!  
  
“He saves his planet, and his reward is to be killed by a power angry Inquisitor!?” Gage was fuming at such waste.  
  
**Commander -** Small. Itsmell . . . It smells like prometheum in here. Anyone got some ssssteaks?  
  
**Provost -** WE OUTLAWED STEAKS LAST TUESDAY YOU OLD SHIT!  
  
“Does anyone else see the irony of him being the one to...” Ahriman never managed to finish the sentence.  
  
“HOW CAN SOMEONE OUTLAW MEAT?!“ The Space Wolf shouted, outraged that someone would dare to outlaw the most sacred food in the Galaxy.  
  
**Fabricator-General of Mars -** Raw prometheum tastes better than flesh you sentie-e-e-e-ent scrubs.  
  
_Looks like the Fabricator General is the usual senile old idiot after all,_ the Tech-Priest thought _, who would be stupid enough to eat raw prometheum? Everyone knows you have to boil it on some Baneblade Oil before consuming it with a good Martian Cogsage, otherwise you just ruined a perfectly good meal._  
  
**Provost -** AEUUUUGH!  
  
**Fyodor -** Not right? _*giggles*_ Really now? After you had your fit about us executing him was the taint of Chaos not discovered amongst his followers?  
  
“Saying some of his followers were corrupted doesn’t prove anything. According to this reasoning, the Emperor is also corrupted because Kor Phaeron and Erebus are.” reasoned Narek.  
  
“Wait. Kor Phaeron? Erebus? Are these the traitors the Primus spoke about?” asked Corvo, surprised about hearing Narek revealing the treachery of his brothers.  
  
“For the eternal shame of my Legion, they are.”  
  
**Decius -** We could’ve known if he was tainted or not before our final judgement was called for but because of YOU, we lost that chance!  
  
**Fyodor -** Oh? But you can never be too careful about the ever present threat of Chaos, Ecclesiarch. And that’s why I have come here as the Inquisition’s own representative.  
  
“If this hemiplegic satyr in his walking chair represents this ‘Inquisition’, then the Emperor should had disbanded them Millennia ago.” Corvo stated.  
**  
Commander -** Gwuagh! _Blows nose, then sniffs_ My nostril’s itchin somethin fierce! Where’s Ol nose picker?  
  
**Provost -** Tis on towerguy’s head you old putz  
  
**Admin -** What’s today?  
  
**Decius -** What are you jabbering on about now? Why have you come here Karamazov?  
  
**Fyodor -** I and almost every other inquisitor in the Galaxy have recieved a message from Terra telling us that the Inquisition and the Adeptus Ministorum are to be disbanded!  
  
“Good riddance. Why did the Emperor create them in the first place? Also where’s the Emperor? Why isn’t he taking part in this meeting of the Council of Terra?”

**Decius -** Yes, I know about this message. No one here has sent it!

**Fyodor -** Well, there’s no doubting it. It definitely came from Holy Terra itself. A forgery of its seal cannot possible be this precise. However, its claim...that the Emperor of Mankind himself wrote it, is Blasphemous! It is clearly written by a heretic, hiding somewhere here somewhere on this very planet.

**Decius -** For such a deluded fool, you do have a point.  
  
**Fyodor -** Hmmph! Good. It seems that that hat of yours is at least allowing enough blood to flow through your skull to understand that this situation requires mending.  
**  
Decius _sighs ecclesiarchically -_ ** So what is your purpose here exactly Fyodor? What do you intend to do...?  
  
“I’m impressed that the leader of the Crazy Cult is the one trying to stop the zealot.” noted Artellus.  
  
“Not that surprising. Priests tend to care about their flocks in one way or another.” Narek pointed out.  
  
“By having them cut their spleen and throwing it at people?” Ahriman asked, sarcasm patent in his voice.  
  
“Shut up…” Was all Narek managed.  
  
**Admin -** I remember the finger I had before I replaced it with an autoquill. Naw, I just made myself sad.  
  
**Fabricator -** Wheeeeeeer did I put my toasters?  
  
**Commander -** ToumenyTousteys!

**Scene 3 - The Golden Throne  
** **Emps, Kitten**

**Shield-Captain "Little Kitten" Kittonius of the Adeptus Custodes** \- So yeah, all in all, the Tyranids are from another galaxy and have come here for the sole purpose of eating everything that is organic in order to grow stronger and fiercer. They are honestly pretty damn scary! I’m lucky to have been trained not to feel fear or anxiety over such things as this seemingly imminent doom!  
  
**The God-Emperor of Mankind -** AND YOU SAY THAT THERE HAVE BEEN AN ENTIRE 3 MAJOR WARS AGAINST THESE CREATURES WITH LOADS OF IMPERIAL FORCES INVOLVED?  
  
**Kitten -** Yes indeed! The first, second, and third Tyranic war. As I said, the most notable one must have been the first Tyranic war when they first supposedly made their first entrance into our galaxy. They completely stripped the planet Tyran of all life, thereby getting the name Tyranids!  
  
**Emps -** AND YOU SAID DURING THIS WAR THEY DESTROYED THE ULTRAMARINES, DEVOUERED THEIR ENTIRE FIRST COMPANY, AND CRIPPLED THE LEADER OF THE ULTRAMARINES PAPA SMURF WHEN THEY FIRST ARRIVED? HOW IN THE NAME OF LEMAN RUSS’S OVERINFLATED EGO DID THAT HAPPEN?  
  
“Leman Russ’s overinflated ego huh?” Ahriman was loving this. “I don’t think I ever heard a better description of your Primarch, Bjorn.”  
  
“It’s not as good as Magnus the Bookworm, or should it be Bookbanger?”  
  
“At least he can read.”  
  
**Kitten -** Well, yes! All Ultramarines in the galaxy were needed to beat off the assault on Macragge, but the two main events that are the most important must be the confrontation between Marneus Calgar-  
  
**Emps -** PAPA SMURF?  
  
“What in the name of Holy Terra and all Astartes in the Galaxy is a smurf?” Gage finally asked.  
  
“Let me check my data banks.” Said the Tech-Priest. “It seems to be a subspecies of the Abhuman Squats, they are even smaller and gifted with blue skin.”  
  
“Can you provide us more information about them?”  
  
“Just a while.” After a couple of minutes, he finally was able to provide an [image](https://i.ytimg.com/vi/xgk9Q81NngQ/maxresdefault.jpg). The overall reaction was laughter, uncontrolled laughter, but both Corvo and Gage just watched in horror. That was the creature with which the Emperor was comparing them to?! This was truly the Grimmest Future.  
  
**Kitten -** Yeeeeeah. . . Papa smurf and the swarmlord and the event that ended the battle in decisive imperial victory. What the fuck is a smurf anyway?  
  
**Emps -** I CAN ALREADY TELL THIS IS GOING TO BE A ROLLERCOASTER RIDE OF DISAPPOINTMENT. TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED.  
  
**Kitten -** Well. Marneu . . . Papa Smurf and the Swarmlord fought each other in an epic battle of two independent characters. The battle was fierce but in the end, the Tyranid proved too strong for him, resulting in him being gravely wounded.

**Scene 4 - Macragge, First Tyranid War  
** **Papa Smurf, Swarmlord**

**Marneus Calgar, Chapter Master of the Ultramarines -** I am invincible !  
  
“Is he?” Corvo couldn’t believe his eyes.  
  
“He is.”  
  
“Is this what will happen to our Legion? We will become a parody of ourselves?”  
  
“To be fair, everything seems to have become a parody of itself.” Ahriman pointed out. “Not that this show doesn’t make valid points.”

_squeek_  
  
**Swarmlord -** _tyranid speak  
squeek_

__squeek_ _

**Papa Smurf -** The ultramarines shall always triumph! Have at you foul xeno scum!  
  
At such display of stupidity, the World Eater started to laugh. At first it was a small chuckle, but in seconds it grew into ‘The Laughter’ as Rogal Dorn would put it.

  _squeek_  
  
**Papa Smurf** _loses his leg  
  
_**Swarmlord** _goes away, leaving_ **Papa Smurf** _to die._

**Papa Smurf -** Fine then, we’ll call it a draw!  
  
“Go are you kidding me?!” The two Ultramarines were livid. “How could such a person rise to the post of Chapter Master?”  
  
“I’ll go on a limb and say he was thoroughly disarmed.”

**Scene 5 - The Golden Throne  
****Emps, Kitten**  
  
**Shield-Captain "Little Kitten" Kittonius of the Adeptus Custodes -** What’s also worth pointing out is that something similar to this apparently happened later in the year 976 when the ultramarines fought another Hive Fleet called Perseus. However, the history of the Galaxy is a major clusterfuck as it is anyway so I don’t know if it can still be considered true or not. Anyway, back to Macragge! Unable to stand the mere thought of losing their sacred Spiritual Liege atop their already grievous losses, the Honor Guard of their first company sacrificed themselves to evacuate them.  
  
“Spiritual Liege?” Corvo asked confused. “Is he talking about the Emperor?”  
  
“I don’t know”, pondered Bjorn. “What booze does Macragge make ?”  
  
“Wine.”  
  
“Then it’s probably Lord Wine”, completed Ahriman. “And you see Bjorn, the Ultramarines are civilised. They make wine too.”  
  
“There’s no such drink on Macragge, nor in any of the 500 Worlds of Ultramar.” Gage remarked. “But in 10 Millennia, I guess they could have made a wine with that name.”  
  
**The God-Emperor of Mankind -** SO THIS GUY COULDN’T EVEN FIGHT AN OVERGROWN FUCKING BUG GARGAMEL AND ENDED UP FORCE FEEDING HIS BODYGUARDS TO IT. WOW! CONTINUE WITH THE STORY. IT MAKES MY BONES RATTLE WITH CONDENSED AND OVERPOWERING AMUSEMENT AND JOY.  
  
**Kitten -** Well, long story short, after being fixed up a bit -Marneu-Papa Smurf went to command the orbital battle over Macragge but was lead into a trap at the ring world of Circe. Things were looking very grim for them!

**Emps -** LED INTO A TRAP BY A BUNCH OF SPACE LOCUSTS. THIS IS DUMBER THAN THOSE OILED UP FUCKING STRIPPERS I CALL COMPANIONS.  
  
“How could anyone be fooled by a bunch of bugs?”  
  
“Psychically-induced confusion ?” offered Yesugei. In the background, thinking back of the Fabstodes made Branne Nev and the Tech-Priest shudder.  
  
**Kitten -** The Emperor class battleship, Dominus Astra, valiantly charged into the heart of Hive Fleet Behemoth and detonated its warp drives, causing a cataclysmic vortex that sucked both it and the entire Tyranid Fleet into oblivion. The victory at Circe spelled the defeat of Hive Fleet Behemoth!  
  
“Couldn’t they just use vortex torpedoes?” Santar was baffled anyone would use an Emperor-Class Battleship in such a way.  
**  
** **Emps -** I AM SORRY, I AM JUST **  
ABSOLUTELY LIVID  
** AT THE MOMENT. REMIND ME AGAIN. TECHNOLOGY IS PRETTY BACKWARDS AT THE MOMENT CORRECT?  
  
**Kitten -** Uuhm. It has declined somewhat in your absence, yes.  
  
“Understatement of the Millenium.” The Tech Priest commented.  
  
**Emps** \- AND THOSE EMPEROR CLASS BATTLESHIPS ARE PRETTY MUCH IRREPLACABLE AT THIS POINT BECAUSE OF THE SHEER RESOURCES AND MANPOWER NEEDED TO MAKE THEM CORRECT?  
  
**Kitten -** More or less, yes.  
  
**Emps -** SO THIS ASSHOLE PAPA SMURF, INSTEAD OF CALLING BACK HIS FLEETS TO A MORE ADVANTAGEOUS POSITION IN, YOU KNOW, FUCKING SPACE, LET ONE OF THOSE WARSHIPS TO BE LOST FOREVER IN THE WARP FOR SOME DEPRAVED MINION OF CHAOS TO FIND AND DIDDLE AROUND WITH? **  
**  
“So this Chaos thing is related to the warp ?” asked Yesugei  
  
“It would seem so.” completed Ahriman. In the meantime, the Tech-Priest was seething.

**Scene 6 - The Warp  
Dark Tech-Priest**

**Dark tech-priest -** THIS IS GETTING ME HARDER THAN TERMINATOR ARMOR!  
  
[Strange noises started coming from the Tech-Priest.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q9AvA4lK8SA)

**Scene 7 - The Golden Throne  
Emps, Kitten**

**Shield-Captain "Little Kitten" Kittonius of the Adeptus Custodes -** I probably shouldn’t mention the titan losses...  
  
“How many Titans?!” The Tech-Priest was clearly mad. “You waste an EMPEROR-CLASS BATTLESHIP and TITANS against a bunch of SPACE BUGS!!!”  
  
He moved to destroy the Holovids, and it took Santar and Kharn to retrain him. They still had to promise they would never throw battleships, or Titans, at ravening locusts.  
  
**The God-Emperor of Mankind -** I WANT YOU TO CHANGE MY ORDERS. TELL THE ULTRAMARINES TO GET BACK MAGNUS WITHOUT THE GELLAR FIELDS TURNED ON. LET’S SEE HOW THEY ENJOY BEING FUCKED BY DEMONS LIKE THOSE POOR ASSHOLES IN THE BATTLESHIPS.  
  
“They can’t be stupid enough to accept this.” Corvo stated.  
  
“You would be surprised…” Gage’s face told Corvo that not only they would be stupid enough to accept it, they would probably somehow succeed.  
  
**Kitten -** Oh my!  
  
**Emps -** ANYWAY. AVOIDING THE SUBJECT OF THE ULTRAMARINES FURTHER, THESE TYRANIDS ACTUALLY SOUND PRETTY FUCKING FASCINATING. HOW EASY MY JOB WOULD BE IF EVERY HUMAN WAS JUST PART OF ME AND MY GIGANTIC INTELLIGENCE AND EVERYTHING WE DID WAS IN PERFECT HARMONY. ACTUALLY, REMIND ME ABOUT THAT IDEA WHEN I GET OFF OF THIS FUCKING THRONE.  
  
“That sounds wolfin’ awful !”  
  
“I don’t know. I could see the appeal of being part of a hivemind. After all, I would have access to the entirety of their collected knowledge.”  
  
“Unlike you, some of us like to have control over their own thoughts.”  
  
**Kitten -** I’ll make sure to do that, my lord. The human hive mind would surely be something fascinating to be part of.  
  
**Emps-** YOU ARE JUST SAYING THAT BECAUSE YOU ARE THOROUGHLY TRAINED TO BE MY BODYGUARD AND NOT EVER THINK OR HAVE ANY OTHER PURPOSE IN LIFE.  
  
**Kitten -** That’s right my lord!  
  
**Emps-** FUCKING AUTOMATON. SO ANYWAY, THESE TYRANIDS COME FROM THE EASTERN FRINGE OF THE GALAXY IN LARGE BUGFLESH SHIPS AND CHOMP THE FUCK OUT OF EVERYTHING THEY SEE. YES?  
  
**Kitten -** Correct my lord.  
  
**Emps -** AND EVERY ENCOUNTER RECORDED WITH THEM DESCRIBES THEM AS INSECT LIKE CREATURES WITH BIOLOGICAL WEAPONRY AND THAT THEY ARE COUNTLESS IN NUMBER RIGHT?  
  
**Kitten -** Yes that is right my lord. They come in endless streams too numerous to count with beasts both miniscule and massive, all killing in their unique, painful ways!  
  
**Emps -** HAS ANYONE EVER CONSIDERED FUCKING BUGSPRAY?  
  
“Bugspray?” Garro was curious about what it.  
  
“It’s a biological weapon designed to kill insects, arachnids and other arthropods.”  
  
“Interesting.” nodded Garro. “We could definitely use some on certain Death Worlds…”  
  
“The only things capable of killing Death World creatures, Captain, are other Death World creatures and Virus Bombs, which also have the side effect of killing all other life forms.”  
  
**Kitten** \- I’m sorry my lord but...bugspray? What is that?  
  
**Emps -** SORRY. I FORGOT. THEY STOPPED MANUFACTURING THOSE AFTER THE DARK AGE OF TECHNOLOGY.  
  
**Kitten** \- Well my lord, if it’s a Biochemical weapon you’re referring to I can say that it’s not of much use. Regenerative power is something the species seem to have picked up on and many of them have extremely advanced immune systems so not much will work. In addition, the race is very adaptable and if we were to concoct a poison against them and used it, they would most likely gain a resistance to it soon after!  
  
**Emps -** THAT IS QUITE THE FUCKING PICKLE. IS THERE ANYTHING THAT WORKS AGAINST THEM?  
  
**Kitten** \- If it’s not regular steel or bullets, there’s actually a special mutagenic acid developed by the Deathwatch that ruins the target’s organs from inside and out. It is used in Hellfire rounds and works fairly well against anything made of flesh but since the Tyranids do not have any kind of real armor, it seems to work best against them!  
  
**Emps -** THEN WHY HAVEN’T YOU IDIOTS NOT HAD THE IDEA OF A MASSIVE SPACE SIZED SPRAYCAN WITH A CONSTANT STREAM OF OXYGEN, PROMETHEUM, AND THIS HELLFIRE COMPOUND AND SPRAYED THE FUCK OUT OF THE TYRANID’S ORGANIC FLEET WHILE STILL IN SPACE?  
  
Everyone agreed that this was a brilliant idea. And secretly they all wanted to own one of those, specially Garro and Artullus.  
  
**Kitten -** That’s a great idea my lord! You are truly the most intelligent being in the Galaxy!  
  
**Emps -** SIGH...SOMETIMES I WISH I HADN’T MADE YOU CUSTODES TO BE MINDLESS AUTOMATONS WITHOUT FEELINGS OR EMOTIONS. IT GETS LONELY IN HERE SOMETIMES.  
  
**Kitten -** Ahaha! Oh my Emperor. You are truly the most funny being in the galaxy as well!  
  
**Emps -** FUCKING AUTOMATON  
  
**Kitten** _giggles, then inhales -_ Well, my lord. At least we aren’t as bad as those Necrons.  
  
**Emps -** SO WE’RE TALKING ABOUT THOSE SLEEPY SOULLESS TIN SKELETONS NOW? DO TELL ME WHAT THE FUCK THEY’VE BEEN UP TO.  
  
“Sleepy soulless tin skeletons… That sounds right up Ferrus’s alley.” Sigismund commented.  
  
“What did you say?” Santar was not amused by the comment.  
  
“Well, they’re likely to be living metal like his arm. He is likely to learn a lot from then.”  
  
“We would probably kill them and then break them into parts, just to learn their secrets.” The Iron Hands Captain admitted.  
  
“I bet those ‘Necrons’ sleep… like the dead.” punned Bjorn, before being smacked in the head by an annoyed Khârn.  
  
Near the door, Corvo turned to his former Legion Master.  
  
“If my aid avoids that dark future, brother, then you can count with it. Just promise me that what we saw here today will never be known by anyone else.”  
  
“We have no intent of sharing these depressing holovids, brother.”  
  
“Good.” And then he left.  
  
“Well time to go get some more ale !"  
  
“I told you I want wine!”  
  
“What, is Lord Wine your Spiritual Liege ?”  
  
“I’m the senior here and I say we drink Cthonian whiskey.”  
  
“No way, I come from Terra! I’m the senior Space Marine here!”  
  
“I’m the only one here with the beard! So I get to choose, according to Fenrisian Law!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As you can see, I had to make a distinct work for the specials, the wacky stuff, and the sidestory that doesn't accompany one of the TTS videos.  
> Chapter 7.5 - Astartes Answers I - has already been posted there.  
> If you want to ask questions for the next session of Astartes Answers, just do so in the comments.


	9. Lock the Reliquary !

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Your meme for this chapter : [Trazyn and Diomedes](https://media.moddb.com/cache/images/groups/1/3/2055/thumb_620x2000/TrazynAndDiomedes.jpg)
> 
> I do not own anything. Not in general, just for the characters of this fic. I do, however, own some of the hands that typed the fic.

“Enough of this booze discussion. If it continues, Ullanor will run out of booze before you three run out of arguments or voice.” Khârn intervened to end the conflict, which was really getting nowhere.  
  
“Then what.” asked Bjorn, who had been cut in the middle of a tirade on the superiority of Fenrisian Ale.  
  
“Well, we can continue the Holovid series. Apparently it is separated in seasons. We finish the season, and then we can take action. And probably arrange a meeting sometime later to watch the rest”.  
  
“Any idea on how to get rid of the bodies afterwards?” pointed out Ahriman. “Obviously the warp won’t work, if they’re in league with Chaos they’d likely just get revived by sorcery.”  
  
“We could always have Raldoron and his boys eat them.”  
  
“We don’t eat humans!” protested the Blood Angel.  
  
“Put them on display in front of a big sign saying TRAITORS”, suggested Sevatar. “Or cut their heads off and put them on spikes the way the White Scars do.”  
  
“That would ruin the whole point of stealth, though. They should disappear with no one knowing what befell them”, countered Nev.  
  
“We could always burn them!” offered Artellus, a bit too cheerfully for everyone’s tastes.  
  
“We really need to talk about your pyromania…”  
  
“Why kill them?” asked the Tech-Priest. “Why kill them and give them a quick end, when I can use them and make them into Servitores, Arco-flagellants to be more specific. A much more fitting end of a pair of traitors, don’t you think?”  
  
“It would be the greatest dishonour possible.” Santar stated. “It would be fitting for a pair of traitors.”  
  
"Alright then. I'm going to the communications array. With luck, Trydan should be there soon enough." And with that he left the room. As he left Artellus heard a strange sound, something like ‘Kukukukukukukukuku’. For some reason, it creeped him out, and, for the first time since he became an Astartes, the Salamander felt fear.  
  
“Does anyone remember the rites of activation ?” asked Dantioch.  
  
“I do. Let’s set in.” answered Santar.

**Scene 1 - A Random Planet  
** **Cypher**

**Cypher -** Yeeesss! This is definitely it... The Crimson Path, the center point of the Orior sub sector. Oh when my work is done, this planet shall rival Terra itself in its sacredness. Now I would act really, really into this but uh... I just got to stay all mysterious and stoic and cool... so I don't think I can. Perhaps, well . . . I suppose one squeal might not harm anything.  
**Cypher** _clears his throat, before pronouncing lots of excited words in a high-pitched voice  
He coughs and returns to his usual voice._  
Nyeegh. Alright, I feel much better now. Uugh, it's at times like these that I'm really glad that I just monologue to myself and not actually talk to anyone else. Cause if someone had heard that I would be seriously fucked.

_What the hell am I doing on that cursed Holovid?,_ the Dark Angel thought, he was very ashamed with 'his' display, _At least no one knows that's me._  
  
As if reading his thoughts the strange Legionary turned to him, a smug look on his face.  
  
"Please, don't say anything." Cypher whispered and the Legionary nodded.  
  
At the front of the room, it was clear the other Astartes wondered what the Dark Angel had planned and in what ways he could be relevant. “Who is this Dark Angel anyway ?” asked Bjorn.  
  
“I think he’s a member of the Deathwing”, said Abaddon, “but there are sigils on his armor I do not recognise.”

_A brief image of Inquisitorial Cruisers blockading Terra, while Inquisition forces march on the streets unopposed._

**Scene 2 - The Senatum Imperialis  
Decius, Fyodor, The High Lords**

**Ecclesiarch **Decius XXIII, Keeper of the Imperial Faith** \- ** So you're seriously going to go through with this? Search the entirety of Terra, the holiest, grandest, and most populated planet in the universe to find the one who sent this message?  
**  
Lord Inquisitor Fyodor Karamazov -** No household shall be left unchecked and no person shall go unquestioned. **  
**  
**Decius -** Well, if you say so. It's not like you care much for your reputation anyway.  
  
**Master of the Administratum** \- Wait...What are you old dusty buttcheeks doing now?  
**  
Fabricator-General of Mars -** Buttcheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

 

[WARNING, THE FABRICATOR GENERAL HAS MALFUNCTIONED]  
  
[SELF DESTRUCT INITIATED]

_The_ **Fabricator-General** _explodes_  
  
The mixture of disappointment, unease and disgust was palpable, and someone would have said something if the door had not been slammed open.  
  
“I see that that Fabricator-General is as capable as the current one.” The Astartes turned to the doorway and saw that the Tech-Priest had returned and had brought company with him, an Electro-Priest of the Corpuscarii-sect he introduced as being named Gwyn Trydan.  
  
“He may actually be more capable.” Their Tech-Priest said. “At least he had the good sense of killing himself.”  
  
“You know, he’s probably retrievable. The other characters seemed unfazed by the explosion. And if he can’t even explode properly… Then he’s barely above Kelbor-Hal.”  
  
The Astartes were baffled that the two Magos would say such things about the Fabricator-General of Mars.  
  
**Decius -** Well I do hope you realize that Terra is the most densely populated and overbuilt planet in the Imperium. It'll take decades to interrogate every single individual on this planet.  
  
**Fyodor -** Do not doubt us. This is what we are best at. We will scan the entirety of Terra and its people in but a few days.  
  
**Grand Provost Marshal -** THIS SOUNDS HIGHLY FUCKING ILLEGAAAAAAAL!! Ooooooooooh...My colon just...uuuuuh...I'm better now!  
  
**Admin -** I bet Goge Vandire never had to deal with this bullshit. Huh, maybe we should make him High Lord of Terra again.  
  
“And he would probably do a better job than you lot…” To everyone’s surprise it was Artellus that said this. Artellus, the friendly Salamander that hated everything Goge Vandire was stated to have committed!  
  
**Decius -** All that radioactive hellfire you've been exposed to exterminatusing every planet you come across must have fried your perception. Do you even realize how hard it is to mobilize on one of these hive worlds? It's really damn hard, but I guess you don't realize that since you sit on that mobility scooter all day.  
  
**Fyodor -** Hmm! Well...your hat looks like a penis.  
  
“And that’s the best diss you can come up with ?” sighed Abaddon. “A dick joke? How revelative it is that you are the Inquisitorial Representative. Incompetent even with words.”

_The_ **High Lords** _laugh like the old men they are._

**Decius -** Shut it you old trash bags.  
  
**Fyodor -** Well, while I wait for your sphincter ache to calm itself I shall start the search...  
  
**Decius -** At least remember to respect the old rulings of Terra, Fyodor. Not a single drop of blood shall fall upon these sacred grounds. When you've found your suspects, at least do the decency of taking them far away from Terra if your eagerness to spill blood grows heavy on you.  
  
**Fyodor -** Yes, yes; I am fully aware. You have my promise.

_Following_ **Fyodor** _as he leaves the Senatus_

Soldiers. The search has begun. But take heed, not a single citizen of Terra shall have his or her blood spilt upon these sacred grounds. So, remember...  
  
Only to burn them.  
  
Fire burnt in Artellus’s eyes at the Inquisitor’s last words. While it was certainly not the only one, the reflection in his eyes clearly showed the target of his wrath. And then, like the fire drakes Vulkan hunted on Nocturne, he roared.  
  
“He wants a burning! I will give him one that he will never forget if I manage to get my hands on that baby stroller, you bastard son of a Commorrite !”

**Scene 3 - The Golden Throne  
** **Kitten, Emps**

 

[Golden Throne]

  
**The God Emperor of Mankind -** HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA  
  
**Shield Captain "Little Kitten" Kittonius -** Uuumm. My lord? Was it really that funny?  
  
**Emps -** HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA  
  
**Kitten -** Really? C'mon! The Necrons still pose a major threat! Just because the Blood Angels teamed up with them once doesn't mean they are the Imperium's allies or anything.  
  
"Can someone explain what a Necron is?" Raldoron was curious about them, mostly because the Custodian claimed that his Legion had allied with them.  
  
"There's nothing on my Data Banks about any lifeform named 'Necron'." The Tech-Priest informed, the Blood Angel was rather bummed out by this, he really wanted to know what a Necron was. He bet it was a noble and courageous Abhuman Race that had been lead astray when some of the Primarchs betrayed the Emperor in this dark timeline.  
  
“Didn’t the Emperor call them sleepy soulless skeletons at the end of the previous ep…” started Ahriman, before being cut off by Magos Trydan. “Won’t you shut up, I’m trying to listen here!”  
  
**Emps -** HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA  
  
**Kitten -** Okay...Heh...Maybe it is kinda funny.  
  
**Emps -** NO. YOU ARE INCAPABLE OF FINDING THINGS FUNNY BECAUSE YOU ARE A CUSTODES.  
  
**Kitten -** Ah right, I forgot.  
  
"How can you forget that?" Dantioch was really baffled at this.  
  
“Well after 10,000 years just sitting on their ass, they probably forgot their training.” Gage remarked. “That would explain many, many things about the Custodes on the holovids.”  
  
“But then, why would Kittonius…”  
  
"Don't you mean Kitten?" Bjorn asked mockingly.  
  
“...be any different to Karius, Balik and Flavius ?” Dantioch continued ignoring the Space Wolf. Gage didn’t have anything to say as an answer. Nor did anyone else for that matter.  
  
**Kitten -** But anyway, where was I? Oh yes! So the Blood Angels and the Necrons defeated the vile Tyranids together and afterwards they went their separate ways as the Blood Angels and the Necrons were both tired from the battle and Commander Dante thought it was distasteful to turn on the Necrons after they had helped each other out.  
  
**Emps -** THE NECRONS WERE TIRED? THE BLOOD ANGELS FOUND SOMETHING DISTASTEFUL?  
  
"What's that supposed to mean?!" The First Captain of the Blood Angels asked, offended.  
  
**Emps -** I'D LIKE TO LAUGH MORE BUT THAT MIGHT BREAK MY FRAGILE FUNNY BONE. ANYWAY. I WAS UNDER THE IMPRESSION THAT NECRONS WERE TIRELESS, SOULLESS SKELETON ROBOTS WITH NO PERSONALITY NOR CARE FOR ANYTHING. WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?  
  
**Kitten -** Believe me, my lord; I think we all were under that impression until we heard about the Blood Angels and their apparent alliance with them. Before, they just spent most of their time coming out of planets unexpectedly and killing everything that lives, having a singular goal in mind which was to seal off the Eye of Terror, swat away the Tyranids, and have the rest of the Galaxy become a never ending all-you-can-eat buffet for their gods the C'tan.  
  
**Emps -** SOUNDS LIKE WHAT I WOULD DO IF I WAS A SOULLESS SKELETON ROBOT. THAT AND SLOW WALK AROUND INTIMIDATINGLY. YES. IT REMINDS ME OF THAT HOLOVID I WATCHED A FEW MILLENIA BACK.  
  
"That's what a Necron is?!" Raldoron was really depressed by this revelation. How could his legion ever ally with such creatures!  
  
"Let me guess you thought they were some kind of noble and courageous Abhuman Race that heroically refused to accept the iron hand rule of this parody of the Imperium?" Ahriman asked sarcastically.  
  
"N-n-n-no!" Was all the brave Marine managed to say before Vespasian started patting him in the back, saying that everything was alright.  
  
**Kitten -** DA DANN DA-DA DAAANN  
  
**Emps -** Now they're more like... Well, their goal is essentially still the same, but now it has become apparent that the C'tan were actually somehow shattered into pieces a LONG time ago and the Necrons have leftover fragments of them in their possession, containing near limitless powers. Also as of late, some Necrons have even been recorded to have actual personalities and even feelings! Oh, and Pariahs are no longer a thing anymore, no idea where they went off to. They just sort of, up sticks and left I guess...  
  
**Kitten -** WELL, HOW DOES IT FEEL HAVING LESS EMOTION THAN A CREEPY FUCKING SKELETON ROBOT?  
  
**Emps -** It feels fantastic not being on the same impotent level as a filthy xeno my lord!  
  
**Kitten -** I GUESS YOU CAN PUT IT IN THAT WAY AS WELL. ANYWAY, I AM INTRIGUED BY THE IDEA OF THOSE SHARDS. I WILL HAVE TO ASK THE REMAINING ULTRAMARINES TO GET ONE FOR ME WHEN THEY GET BACK.  
  
**Emps -** Euuhm...sure thing my lord.  
  
**Kitten -** JUST NOT A SHARD OF THAT PUNK ASS C'TAN GOD THE DECEIVER. THE DESCRIPTION YOU GAVE REMINDS ME TOO MUCH OF THAT MYSTERIOUS TENTACLE HEADED METALLIC JERK WHO CAME BY EVERY SATURDAY NIGHT TO PLAY PARADOX-BILLIARDS-VOSTROYAN ROULETTE-FOURTH-DIMENSIONAL HYPERCUBE CHESS STRIP POKER WITH ME, TZEENTCH, AND CEGORACH IN THE WEBWAY A FEW MILLENNIA AGO ALTHOUGH, TO BE FAIR, AT LEAST HE WASN'T AS MUCH OF A DOUCHEBAG AS THAT FAT GUY WITH THE CIGAR WHO SHOWED UP WITH TZEENTCH THAT ONE TIME.  
  
"Paradox-Billiards-Vostroyan Roulette-Fourth-Dimensional Hypercube Chess Strip Poker? Sounds like an interesting game." Bjorn remarked.  
  
“Alright, then. You’re on. It’s time to D-d-d-duel!” Ahriman challenged Bjorn.  
  
“Are you drunk? We don’t even know the rules of the game.”  
  
“No! I’m not drunk! I can see the rules in the future!”  
  
“He’s drunk, lets ignore him.”  
  
**Emps -** Huh? I thought all this time you've been having a constant mental war with the forces of Chaos and guiding our ships through the power of the Astronomican.  
  
**Kitten -** I'M THE MOTHERFUCKING EMPEROR. I'M ALLOWED A DAY OFF EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE. BESIDES, I'M THE BEST FUCKING MULTITASKER IN THE GALAXY.  
  
“I can drink to that.” The Fenrisian said, raising his tankard.  
  
**Kitten -** Oh, sorry, of course my lord.  
  
**Emps -** SO FAR I HAVE TO SAY THAT I'M NOT IMPRESSED. THESE NECRONS DO NOT SOUND AS MUCH OF A THREAT AS THOSE HUNGRY SPACE COCKROACHES.  
  
**Kitten -** Well my lord, they are still more of a threat than you might think! Which actually reminds me of a story that I need to tell you that will surely refurbish your pride in your Angels of Death!  
  
**Emps -** GOOD LUCK WITH THAT.  
  
**Kitten -** You see, during the year 912 the Necron Lord of the Tomb world Borsis got really mad because the Necrons of another empire started to expand in his territory. In response to this, the Necron Lord suddenly revealed a massive planet sized space vessel called the World Engine that started drifting through Imperial Space destroying anything that crossed its path. Later during year 926 after several Imperial planets had been destroyed by the World Engine, a whole lot of space marines and the entirety of a local imperial fleet was sent to destroy it.  
  
**Emps -** HOLY SHIT. A GIANT SKELETON SPACE ROBOT PLANET THAT SHOOTS MOLECULE BREAKING BEAMS AND DESTROYS EVERYTHING IS SPOTS. I WANT ONE.  
  
"A Giant Skeleton Space Robot Planet that Shoots Molecule Breaking Beams and Destroys Everything?!" The Tech-Priest sounded like if he had just been told he had just been elected as the new Fabricator-General of Mars. "Oh by the Omnissiah, if only I could get my hands on one of those!"  
  
“We should prepare an expedition to find this ‘World Engine.’” There was a dangerous glow in Gwyn’s eyes as she spoke. “He did say the Tomb World Borsis ?”  
  
The Marines, except Santar who like the Priests was dreaming of what he would do with such a Machine, looked at the Tech-Priests with fear and silently swore to never allow them near a 'World Engine'.  
  
**Kitten -** All the forces attacked the World Engine at the same time but apparently a very strong void shield was surrounding it, making it nigh impervious to harm! This together with the vessel's mighty arsenals of planet devastating weaponry cost millions of lives during that battle.  
  
**Emps -** I GUESS NO ONE KNOWS WHAT RETREATING IS IN THIS FUCKING IMPERIUM NOWADAYS.  
  
**Kitten -** So, now, here is the awesome part. The Space Marines known as the Astral Knights  
  
**Emps -** I NEVER MADE ANYTHING CALLED ASTRAL KNIGHTS.  
  
"Astral Knight? That sounds a lot like the name of the..." Before Bjorn could finish the sentence, Sigismund shouted.  
  
"SHUT UP!!"  
  
**Kitten -** No, seriously my lord, you won't even care that you didn't directly make them! You see, all the Astral Knights decided to ram their space ship, the Battle Barge Tempestus straight into the world engine's void shields!  
  
**Emps -** FUCKING DAMMIT. WHY DO YOU ASSHOLES KEEP WASTING PRECIOUS BATTLESHIPS.  
  
"Who's stupid enough to ram a Battle Barge against void shields!" Santar was outraged at the idea, and wasn't the only one, next to him the Tech-Priest was fuming.  
  
**Kitten -** The shield cracked up and the ship penetrated the hull of the World Engine allowing all Astral Knights to board it and destroy all weapons, energy batteries, supplies, command nodes and Necrons inside! The battle continued inside the World Engine for 100 hours, all Marines dying doing what they do best! But not before their leader, Artor Amhrad, decided to overload the entire damn vessel at its core with the help of some melta grenades! After this destructive overload, the void shield was turned off completely and this is where the rest of the imperial fleet took their chance and shot the crap out of the planet ship with Cyclonic Torpedoes!  
  
**Emps -** WELL SLAP ME ON THE KNEECAP AND CALL ME A FUCKING SKELETON. THAT IS ACTUALLY AMAZING.  
  
Everyone agreed these unknown Marines had done something that only the mightiest of heroes in the Legiones would even dare to contemplate. But of course Bjorn just had to ruin the moment.  
  
“Wouldn’t have been that hard, since it was operating on a skeleton crew.” threw in Bjorn, followed by groans from the other Astartes.  
  
Ahriman grudgingly intervened in his favor. “Throw him a bone, this one wasn’t that bad.”  
**  
****Kitten -** After this incredibly awe inspiring victory, the remains of the World Engine were taken in by the Adeptus Mechanicus while the battle barge Tempestus was salvaged and set up as a monument with an Imperial Shrine in it holding statues of the 772 Astral Knights that had sacrificed themselves to bring down the World Engine.  
  
**Emps -** SORRY, I WAS TOTALLY MISTAKEN. I TOTALLY REMEMBER THAT I DID MAKE THE ASTRAL KNIGHTS NOW. THEY WERE ONE OF THE SECRET LEGIONS THAT I MADE BEFORE THE GREAT CRUSADE THAT I NEVER TOLD ANYONE ABOUT. THEY WERE THE BEST AROUND. NOTHING WAS EVER GONNA KEEP THEM DOWN.  
  
"Secret Legions?" Garro was buzzed by the idea of 'Secret Legions', and turned back to face the Legionary with the strange Legion marking, only to see another Dark Angel were that Legionary had been. Maybe I'm just imagining things, he thought, why would anyone create secret legions in the first place? the Emperor was probably just messing with the Custodes.  
  
**Kitten -** Riiiiiight. Whatever you say, my lord.  
  
**Emps -** ALSO, ON THE PREVIOUS SUBJECT MATTER. I HAVE TO SAY THAT I KIND OF LIKE THAT ONE NECRON THAT YOU MENTIONED. TRASHY THE INCONTINENT OR SOMETHING.  
  
**Kitten -** Do you mean Trazyn the Infinite, my Lord?  
  
**Emps -** THAT'S WHAT I SAID YOU TUBE OF FUCKING CUSTARD. ANYWAY, EVEN IF HE IS AN ALIEN FIEND, I CANNOT DENY THAT THE IDEA OF STEALING INCREDIBLY VALUABLE OBJECTS FROM AROUND THE GALAXY ONLY TO PUT THEM IN A MASSIVE SKELETON ROBOT SPACE MUSEUM IS A GREAT ONE.  
  
**Kitten -** Ah, yes. His only goal in the galaxy is to claim historic artifacts and relics to return to his Tomb World of Solemnance. He's even gone so far as to have the head of the great Sebastian Thor preserved in there!  
  
**Emps -** ABSOLUTELY HILARIOUS. AT SOME POINT WE SHOULD SEND SOME MARINES THERE TO STEAL ALL HIS SHIT JUST TO FUCK WITH HIM.  
  
**Kitten -** I think I know a group of Space Marines capable of just that.  
  
"Bet it’s the Thousand Sons." Bjorn muttered to Kharn.  
  
"What did you just say?" Asked Ahriman.  
  
"He said nothing." Kharn said before Bjorn could say anything. Not that that would stop the Fenrisian.  
  
"Lets stop pretending we don't know about it!" He stated. "Everyone in the Imperium knows that the Thousand Sons are a bunch of thieves! That's the reason why we always lock the reliquaries whenever one of them is on the same quadrant as the reliquary!"  
  
"We are not thieves!"  
  
"Oh no? Do you want to know the nickname we gave your legion?"  
  
"Bjorn stop!" Sigismund screeched.  
  
"Oh no! Let him say his mind!"  
  
"Ahriman shut up. Bjorn you are drunk, so hold your tongue." Gage ordered.  
  
"The XV is known as the Thousand Bloody Magpies!"  
  
"THE WHAT?!" The Thousand Son shouted. "We are not Magpies!"  
  
"Oh really?" Santar now joined the argument. "Then explain how did your Legion 'acquired' 100 suits of Gorgon Pattern Terminator Armour?"  
  
"Auramagma said you had gifted them to us!"  
  
"We did no such thing! He and his Fellowship stole them and the Strike Cruiser that was transporting them!"  
  
"What?! The 'Will of Medusa' wasn't a gift?"  
  
"Of course not!"  
  
Ahriman now turned to Marius.  
  
"Let me guess those 2000 Legatine Axes, Kalliston said where a gifted to us, were also stolen?" Gage only nodded. "And the Phoenix Power Spears that T'Kar brought back from his assignment with the Emperor's Children?"  
  
"The Phoenix Guard has vowed to make new Power Spears out of T'Kar's power armour."  
  
"Oh by Holy Terra, have we stolen from every Legion?"  
  
What followed next was a group 'Yes' followed by each Legionary doing a detailed explanation of what the Thousand Sons had stolen. The most impressive was when Garro admitted that the XV had managed to steal a full shipment of Death Guard biological and chemical weapons, that had been guarded on the Endurance. Mortarion had apparently sworn to test his new Bioweapons on the thief in retaliation. Even the Tech-Priests complained about the Thousand Sons stealing weapons and artifacts from the Mechanicum, which had got them on the ‘Red List’ of the Fabricator-General.  
  
"I will talk with my Primarch about this… problem." Was all Ahriman managed to say in the end.  
  
**Emps -** DO YOU NOW? DO TELL.  
  
**Kitten -** Weeeeelllll~

**Scene 4 - A burning hive on Terra  
** **A Woman, the Inquisitors, the Fabstodes, a Constable**

**A Woman** _is running from the Inquisitorial Forces._  
  
**Representative of the Ordo Malleus Grand Master Elirush -** By the order of the God Emperor's Holy Inquisition stop right there! **  
  
Representative of the Ordo Hereticus Donklas- ** We are here to interrogate you about a certain message! **  
  
Representative of the Ordo Xenos Adrielle Quist - ** Who wrote the message! **  
  
Woman** \- I . . . I don't know what you're talking about!  
  
**Adrielle -** Didn't you hear me? Who wrote the message! **  
**  
“This is most inefficient,” pointed out Magos Trydan. “You can’t interrogate people about things they don’t know about.”  
  
“And yet they do and set Terra on fire in the process of doing so.” answered the Tech-Priest. “The Inquisition is the foremost contender to the title of most inefficient organisation in recorded history.”  
  
**Constable -** Excuse me, are you allowed to do this?  
  
**Elirush -** Of course we are, haven't you heard from the High Lords?  
  
**Donklas -** We are here to interrogate everyone on Terra!  
  
**Adrielle -** Who wrote the fucking message! Where are the genestealers!?  
  
“Probably grabbing some pants in a hurry or something”, Bjorn shrugged.  
  
**Woman -** He-he-heeelp meee!

[_Enter the_ **Fabstodes**](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XUhVCoTsBaM)

At hearing the music Nev and the Tech-Priest started to scream in despair and none of the others could blame them for it.  
  
“I usually don’t just give away Archeotech, but I think you may need this more than me.” As he said this, the Mechae Moribundus gave the Tech-Priest a strange pair of shades, with a strange creature on them. A sort of kitten with a red ribbon, and written on the branches of the glasses was “[Hello Kitty.](https://vignette.wikia.nocookie.net/onepiece/images/5/5b/Don_Quichotte_Doflamingo_Portrait.png/revision/latest?cb=20160716125349&path-prefix=fr)” The screaming then died down.  
  
Sevatar had foreseen the possible return of the Fabstodes, and had pulled out his own [shades](https://vignette.wikia.nocookie.net/onepiece/images/5/5b/Don_Quichotte_Doflamingo_Portrait.png/revision/latest?cb=20160716125349&path-prefix=fr). They wouldn’t have looked off on the worst criminals of Nostramo.  
  
**Custodian Whamusus Balik -** Would you look at that? Some unfashionable dregs running around out here harrassing civilians here on Holy Terra!  
  
**Custodian Disistan Flavius -** You came to the wrong neighborhood, Shitboots! **  
  
Custodian Karius Dolman - ** What makes you Lunatics think you're allowed to do this?  
  
**Elirush -** Custodes? Aren't you supposed to stay within the Imperial Palace?  
  
**Whammudes -** Well you see, this is a special occasion.  
  
**Custodisi -** Special enough that my loincloth is just BURSTING with anticipation!  
  
"I really didn't need that mental image." Gage muttered, while the Nev and the Tech Priest started to scream again. It took 2 hours and the entire Eye Promethium reserve of the Salamanders to calm them.

**Karstodes -** What's a more interesting question I demand an answer for is what you inquisitors are doing here burning Terra and harassing its citizens.  
  
**Donklas -** We are here because of a message supposedly sent from the God Emperor himself telling us that the inquisition is to be disbanded!  
  
**Adrielle -** Clearly, the message was sent by a heretic, and we are going to find him.  
_  
_**Custodisi** _snickers in arousal_

**Whammudes -** Fools, the message IS from the Emperor. Straight from the Sanctum Imperialis within the Imperial Palace.

**Karstodes -** He is the reason why we are outside the Palace in the first place so you have no reason to perform this heinous act upon our planet.  
  
**Custodisi -** You dun goofed!  
  
**Elirush -** That is impossible!  
  
**Donklas -** You are lying! If the Emperor was alive once more, we would know!  
  
**Elirush -** You are heretics! The Custodes are heretics! Let's get back to Fyodor and tell him about this!  
  
"Heretical Custodes..." Sigismund said while facepalming. He would need a session on the pain glove after this. A very long session.  
  
**Karstodes -** Fucking grox ass inquisitors.  
  
**Custodisi -** Wamuu!  
**  
Woman -** I'm now incredibly aroused.  
  
“This was most informative.” said Gwyn as the holovid ended. “I might require a copy of the series in exchange for the… service you ask of me.”  
  
Despite Marius Gage’s reluctance - notably due to what he had promised to Corvo - the Tech-priest accepted, even if they first forced Trydan to swear he would never share the information in the holovids with anyone. And to leave the shades, they found the combination of Tech-Priest and ancient shades to be almost as good as the holovids.  
  
“Well, I guess I’ll see you later, Bel.” and with that, the Electro-Priest left the room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gwyn Trydan, the crazy electro-priest, is our pal Ankh. He is known AH.com as Gwrtheyrn Annwn, which is shortened for pronounceability to Gwyn or Gawain.


	10. Let it Burn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Your meme for today : lyrics  
> Let it burn  
> let it burn  
> Let the fire twist and turn  
> let it burn  
> let it burn  
> let the flames spin and whirl  
> Here I stand  
> With my firebrand  
> let this doom rage on  
> The heat never bothered me anyway
> 
> I do not own the characters here.

"Looks like this is the last one," announced the Tech Priest as he removed the holovid from the box.

"We are already on the last episode?" Bjorn's voice was filled with sadness, for he was enjoying the holovids, specially when they mocked the Thousand Sons.

"Everything must come to an end." Sigismund (solemnly) remarked while placing his hand on the Fenrisian’s shoulder.

"Aye," he agreed. "It's still a shame that this is the last one, despite showing a future in which the 41st Millennia is a grim and dark dystopia, in which the Allfather is a rotting corpse, protected by a bunch of deranged strippers that call themselves Custodes, and in which people go around burning each other because they forgot to make the sign of the Aquila when they go to the bathroom, there were some fun moments in it."

"True." Sigismund said with a smile. "And, thanks to them, we now know what to do to stop such a future from happening."

"The traitors will pay the price for abandoning the Emperor's light," vowed Narek, clearly fuming. "And the filth that polluted my Legion shall be purged."

The others nodded in agreement.

"Well, time to finish this journey of ours, don't you agree?" Kharn joyfully asked, it may have been the nails on his brain but he was always filled with joy before going to kill His enemies. "Tech Priest, start the last one."

The video opened on images of Terra, a rain of sparks falling on the burning hive cities of the Throneworld. A man appears and tenderly kisses the forehead of a deceased woman. Suddenly-

 ** Scene 1 - Terra Burning **  
**Javerticus, Valjeanus, the Inquisitors**

 **Javerticus** \- ♫ Valjeanus, at last! We see each other plain. Magos Technicus, You'll wear a different chain! ♫

“What the hell is this ? Why did they break into song ?” asked Bjorn. “And who are they, even ?”

 **Javerticus** _pulls up a clothes hanger with a chainmail bra_

 **Valjeanus** \- ....♫ Before you say another word, Javerticus. Before you burn me like a heretic, listen to me, there's something I must do~ ♫

“Well obviously, it’s a musical,” answered Vespasian condescendingly. “Not that I expect you to know it.”

 **Javerticus** _leans forward with a glare_

♫ This woman leaves behind a suffering child, there is none but me who can intercede. In the Emperor's name, three days is all I need~ ♫

 **Javerticus** _glares harder, and_ **Valjeanus** _stands solemnly_

♫ Then I'll return, I'll pledge my word. Then I'll return- ♫

“Can’t we just skip it? I mean, it shows that people can still have ‘fun’ - if you can call singing stuff like that fun - but it’s boooooring...”

“No! I’m enjoying this!”

“The feed indicates characters entry in less than a minute,” said the Tech Priest.

“I agree with Bjorn, this is boring,” Santar added. “Let's just skip this.”

“Let’s compromise and skip to the characters’ entry ?” suggested Ahriman.

“It will probably be an Inquisitor showing up and killing them for having fun, and I think we all agree we are depressed enough with the state of the Imperial Parody.”

“It is indeed the three Inquisitors running over the two.” added the Tech Priest.

“Then let's just skip it.”

“NO!”

“Too late, pretty boy.”

 **Scene 2 - Senatus Imperialis  
The High Lords, Fyodor, Decius,** **Dominique,** **the Inquisitors**

“Fuck you Bjorn!” Vespasian was really irritated. “Just because you are a bunch of uncultured barbarians, that doesn’t means the rest of us are like you. I wanted to watch that!”

“It could be possible to copy the scene for you for later viewing.” said the Tech-Priest.

“All in favor of deleting that musical section?” Santar proposed.

All but Vespasian, and Gage who abstained, voted yes.

“Then I will delete it.”

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!”

 **Lord Inquisitor Fyodor Karamazov** \- Emperor damn it all. Not a single useful subject has been found yet. Don't they understand that sitting around here is incredibly boring? It's like being in a retirement home!

“Considering the mental level of the High Lords, it _is_ a retirement home,” observed Artellus. “A very golden retirement home.”

“What’s a retirement home?” asked Kharn.

“It’s a place to where we send old people to die.”

“Oh so like a prison but for old people?”

“Pretty much, but with worse food.”

 **Inquisitorial Flunky Dominique** \- Hey! Hey, Fyodor! Isn't it Boring around here? Like, incredibly boring?

 **Fyodor** _grunts inquisitorially_ \- Be quiet, Dominique! That's what I just said.

 **Dominique** \- No, that's what I just said!

You know what would be fun? Letting me sit on your throne! I've always dreamed of being up on that throne with all the… _(He breathes in a disturbing fashion)_ fun things I can do up there...

“He sounds like a newbie that just got his first Flamer...” said Artellus, highly disturbed.

“And is it me or is his voice incredibly grating?” commented Garro.

“Bet he smokes sandpaper or something.” added Bjorn.

 **Fyodor** \- I said QUIET!...You're giving me a headache.

 ****Lord** **Commander Militant of the Imperial Guard** **  - No, you be quiet !

 **Master of the Administratum**  - Uuh, can someone feed the goat so he quiets down? We're trying to do important High Lord things here.

“The old buggers are a bunch of idiots, but they can still come up with some fun comments,” grunted Kharn.

 **Grand Provost Marshall** \- SHUT UP LITTLE BILLY! Now, to the business at hand. Wuw...What were we discussing? I think it was something relating to banning the breathing of air...from anyone that is not us. Air is one of the few natural resources left here on Terra, and if all the 'normals' use it, there will be none left for us!

“And with this they just went ‘Full Retard’ again.”

“How can you stop people from breathing! ” Ahriman was pissed. “How can you be so stupid?! I’m going to...” He never finished the sentence, for he finally understood what they were going to do.

“You are going to?”

"They are going to kill everyone on Terra.” He said disgusted. “That’s the only way to stop people from breathing, how can they be so stupidity diabolic?!”

“I don’t think even they would be that stu…” The look Ahriman gave Yesugei was enough for him to reconsider what he was about to say. “Actually, they may be that stupid.”

 **Fabricator-General of Mars** \- Requirement of air is only another reason to replace your lungs with circuits.

 **Commander** \- Well, I'm not sure...My Generals need to breathe as well as to make command of whatever it is they are commanding again, and I don't think they can do that very well without air... fucking SLACKERS !

“For a moment I thought they had replaced him with a sentient being,” said Ahriman, disappointment dripping from his voice.

“So did I.” Gage admitted. “But then he finished the sentence.”

 **Admin** \- Why I usually seem to generate currents of air right before I have to poo.

_Ultrafacepalm_

**Provost** \- Wait...Isn't breathing important? I don't remember...I'm gonna lay down...

 **Fyodor** _moans in inquisitorial frustration_ \- I should just go out there and find this heretic myself...

 **Representative of the Ordo Malleus Grand Master Elirush** \- Fyodor! We have urgent news!

 **Dominique** \- Oh hey, are you the guys I sent to buy my sandpaper cigarettes? I really need my fix of nicotine and throat lacerations. How else do you think I sound so calm and sexy?

“I really need to stop betting,” mumbled Bjorn.

“You know, you seem to know what they are going to say, before they say it… Are you sure you don’t have prophetic talents?” inquired Ahriman, sounding intrigued.

The scream of horror that ensued was so loud that in a world near Ullanor an ancient species that had been sleeping for millenia awoke.

“By the Emperor calm him down!!” Khârn tried to yell, and while no one heard him they all understood.

“Why did you have to say that, Ahriman!?” heard everyone telepathically from Yesugei, as he smacked the Thousand Son on the head

“Sorry…” Ahriman answered sheepishly.

It took two hours to calm down Bjorn, telling him that no, he wasn’t a psyker, Ahriman had just said that to mess with him, and that yes, he could punch Ahriman until he felt better. During the time he was screaming, even a Custodian came to investigate the source of the noise. He was very confused when everyone - especially Branne Nev - thanked him for still wearing his armor.

 **Fyodor** _sighs with inquisitorial dignity_ _-_ What is it that you want...? Don't you three have some sewers to investigate?

 **Representative of the Ordo Hereticus Donklas** \- We were confronted by three Custodes while...interrogating some citizens.

 **Fyodor** \- Custodes? You are joking with me, are you not? The Custodes never leave the Imperial Palace!

 **Representative of the Ordo Xenos Adrielle Quist** \- They were right there though. And the Custodes told us that the Emperor really is the one who sent the message.

 **Fyodor** \- In the name...of a thousand DEAD. FUCKING. HERETICS. ARE YOU SAYING!?

 **Elirush** \- The Custodes are the heretics we are looking for!

“So even the Inquisitorial Goat-head has issues with taking the leap of logic the three idiots took ?” Bjorn seemed baffled at the thought of the Inquisitorial recruitment methods. _Even Orks are smarter than them_ , he thought.

 **Fyodor** \- Well in THAT case, we are all walking STRAIGHT into the imperial palace, and taking those mutant exhibitionists with us!

 **Decius** _stomps onto the scene_

 **Ecclesiarch** **Decius XXIII, Keeper of the Imperial Faith** \- Hold your mecha-chairs for just a moment Inquisitor! What do you think you are doing!?

 **Fyodor** _makes a v_ _ery frustrated Inquisitorial noise_ \- Not you!

“See?” pressed Narek. “The Ecclesiarch is more loyal and competent than any of the other High Lords…”

“Considering the state of the High Lords, it’s not particularly difficult to be more competent than them.”  

 ** Scene 3 - The Golden Throne **  
**Emps, Kitten**

 **The God-Emperor of Mankind** \- STOP STANDING AROUND THERE ALL SILENT AND DEAD LIKE AN UNPLUGGED FUCKING MECHANICUS ADEPT, AND TELL ME WHO THESE SPACE MARINES ARE. THIS ANTICIPATION IS FOR SOME REASON KILLING ME. THEN AGAIN...I'M A DECAYING CORPSE. SO THAT MIGHT ALSO BE A CONTRIBUTING FACTOR.

 **Shield-Captain "Little Kitten" Kittonius of the Adeptus Custodes** \- Well, they are renowned in the Imperium for stealing a lot of relics from both other chapters and factions within the Imperium. It's not really known how they do it or exactly why, but they have somehow managed to amass an astounding amount of wargear due to this.

“They truly are Thousand Sons.”

 **Emps** \- SO WHAT ARE THEY CALLED?

 **Kitten** \- I believe they are called...the...th...b...Uuum...Something. Actually I don't remember.

 **Emps** \- WAY TO FUCKING GO DILDO HEAD. YOU JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF STUPID. THE DISAPPOINTING KIND OF STUPID. COME TO THINK OF IT. DID YOU SAY CHAPTER? AS IN ONLY A SINGULAR CHAPTER WITHIN AN ENTIRE LEGION IS GOOD AT THIS?

 **Kitten** \- Oh no no, my Lord. They are not a part of any Legion!

“What? How can a Chapter exist outside of a Legion?” Sigismund was baffled with me mere concept of a Chapter existing outside a Legion.

“Maybe they decided to create semi-independent detachments?” Gage uttered. “So that the Legions could have more flexibility.”

“Probably.” The Imperial Fist admitted.

“Isn’t there already the expeditionary fleet system though?” Abaddon pointed out.

“They probably already conquered the galaxy at this point, expeditionary fleets are good to invade systems, when we finish the Crusade we will need something that allow us more flexibility in case of rebellion or an ork invasion,” Gage went on.

“Then why are they having problems with the Necrons and Tyranids?” Bjorn demanded.

“One has litteral planet destroyers that can obliterate fleets in minutes and the others are...eh...space bugs?” One could see Bjorn wasn’t convinced by Marius’s explanations.

“Whatever. They’re a fountain of exposition anyway,” intervened Ahriman, “they’ll probably explain it soon.”

 **Emps** \- WHY THE FUCK WOULD THERE EVER EXIST A SINGLE CHAPTER OUTSIDE OF A LEGION?

 **Kitten** \- Well you see, seven years after the Horus Heresy, an event took place known as the Second Founding.

 **Emps** \- THE SECOND FOUNDING? OH MAN...THIS ALREADY SOUNDS AS UNNECESSARY AS THE DARK ELDAR. WASN'T THE NAMED 'ONLY FOUNDING' GOOD ENOUGH?

 **Kitten** \- Actually, I think the name was changed to the First Founding after they came up with the second one.

 **Emps** \- REALLY? WOW! WHAT AN UNBELIEVABLE EXCESS OF STUPID.

 **Kitten** \- Aaaaanyway...The Primarch of the Ultramarines, Roboute Guilliman-

 **Emps** \- MY SINGULAR CYBERNETIC EYE JUST DETECTED A LARGE RISE IN IGNORANCE AND HUBRIS IN THIS ROOM FROM THE MERE MENTION OF THAT NAME.

 _What have we done to deserve such treatment?_ Gage wondered. _Sure the Ultramarines of this Universe looked to be a bunch of Emperor's Children-grade pricks but...actually, that explains it._

"The Emperor is sharing so much wisdom with us." Nev commented his voice filled with satisfaction. On the other side of the room everyone could hear Khârn snickering.

 **Kitten** \- Created the Codex Astartes which is a set of rules and guidelines that nowadays is used by thousands of Space Marine Chapters throughout the galaxy.

_Dramatic Horror Music starts playing_

“Thousands of Chapters?” Sigismund whispered.

“Each Chapter is 10,000 Astartes strong in theory, if we go with a minimum of a thousand Chapter and that they are all at full strength...there are at least _ten million Astartes_!” Gage was speechless. How many Space Marines were needed in this dark future to protect the Imperium?

 **Emps** \- THOUSANDS? _Sparks and thunderous Emperor based Warp Pissed Offery_

 **Emps** \- WOWOWOWOWOWOWOOWOWOWOWWUWUWUWUWUWUWUWUWUWUWIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

 **Kitten** \- The Codex Astartes became the foundation for a Second Founding as Guilliman decreed that all Legions still loyal were to split up and organized into armies consisting of roughly ten Companies each. One of these Chapters were to retain their parent Legion's original name, symbol and color scheme, while the others could basically go and do whatever they wanted with that.

“Well guess we now know how there are thousands of Chapters, each is just a thousand strong.”

"That's still a more than one million Astartes." Sigismund stated. "We will spend our lives fighting to secure this Imperium, and our Legions will spend the rest of their days fighting to keep it intact... In this far, grim and dark future, there will be only war."

 **Emps** \- SO NOW WE'VE GOT FUCKING ULTRAMARINE BABIES SPREAD OUT ACROSS THE GALAXY. ALL SECLUDED FROM THE REST OF THE IMPERIUM TO FORM THEIR OWN BELIEFS, DOGMAS, AND HATREDS INSPIRED BY THE ORIGINAL WHICH WAS ALREADY AN ENORMOUS PILE OF STUPID TO BEGIN WITH. SERIOUSLY, ARE YOU ACTIVELY TRYING TO MAKE MY UNLIFE EVEN MORE DIFFICULT?

 **Kitten** \- Euuuhm...well...

 **Emps** \- IN ADDITION, THIS DUMB BOOK HAS SPLIT UP THE IMPERIUM'S MIGHTY BULWARK, AND MADE IT INTO A ROTTEN PICKET FENCE THAT EVEN A SMALL CHILD COULD BREAK DOWN. WHAT MADE YOU PEOPLE THINK THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA?

 **Kitten** \- But my Lord! Guilliman's intentions were noble! He recognized that in order for something like the Horus Heresy to not ever be possible again, the massive Marine armies should be separated and spread out.

"That argument has some value." Yesugei said to himself, but still loud enough to be heard.

"No it hasn't." Bjorn countered. "If the Legions were broken apart, how could we defend against things like the Ork Empire of Ullanor?"

"That is true, but imagine that another Legion betrayed the Imperium? 1 000 Traitor Astartes would do far less damage to the Imperium than 100 000." Nev said, siding with Yesugei. "1 000 Battle-Brothers is enough to handle low to middle level threats and to high level threats you just send more Chapters."

"Just because some of us went traitor, that doesn't means that the rest of we will." Sigismund fired back.

"That's true." Gage admitted. "But if the best of us can fall, can we really trust the rest of us won't? Are we really willing to place Mankind at risk because we, in our hubris, believe we will never betray the Emperor?"

There was no answer, for no one wanted to give form to the thoughts that were in their mind right now.

 **Emps** \- AND NOW THE XENO ACTIVITY IS MORE RAMPANT THROUGHOUT THE GALAXY THAN EVER. PERHAPS IF GUILLIMAN'S HEAD WASN'T STUCK SO FAR UP HIS BUTTOCKS, FERVENTLY KISSING HIS OWN ASS, HE WOULD'VE PROOFREAD HIS WORK BEFORE PUBLISHING IT.

After such rant, Khârn and Narek were basically howling like hyenas, to Gage’s unrestricted annoyance.

FOR ALL WE KNOW, RIGHT NOW, THERE COULD BE HUNDREDS OF CHAPTERS OUT THERE PLEDGING THEIR ALLEGIANCE TO CHAOS, OR PERHAPS EVEN WORSE. AND WE HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA ABOUT IT OR A WAY TO STOP IT BECAUSE ALL OF OUR DEFENSES ARE SO THINLY SPREAD. THERE COULD EVEN BE CHAPTERS CONSORTING AND ACCEPTING BOTH XENOS AND CHAOS WORSHIPPERS INTO THEIR RANKS.

“Well considering that we had Legions going to this ‘Chaos’ that doesn’t means that keeping the Legions intact works to keep everyone loyal.” Nev pointed out.

“Of course it does!”

“How?”

“Because the Emperor said it did.” To say that everyone was a bit disappointed with Bjorn’s answer was an understatement.

“For fucks’ sake, Bjorn, use your brain from time to time!”

MAYBE EVEN CHAPTERS SO FUCKING RECLUSIVE AND HISTORICALLY INEPT THAT THEIR MERE EXISTENCE SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHING OUT OF A DISGUSTINGLY HORRIBLE AND SHITTY FANFICTION.

**Scene 4 - Swedesia**   
**Team Alfabusa**

 **Disco Champion Garrot -**...Do you guys have the feeling we're being shit on really hard right now?

 **Russian commissar -** Aww, we're always being shat on...

“Are those...” Gage couldn’t even finish the question.”

 **Karl the Deranged** \- Fuck you!

“They are.” Dantioch was disgusted with what he was seeing.

 **Fresh** \- Go fish.

“Your babies look ugly,” noted Narek. “You should maybe do something about that.”

 **Karl the Deranged -** Fuck you!!

 **Alfabusa -** Cactus?

 **Karl the Deranged** \- Fuck You!!!

 **Fresh -** You though YOU were gonna win this poker game, BUT IT WAS ACTUALLY I, FRESH!

“And this dude sounds and looks a bit like Angron, but… Well… Less sane. And less polite. Which is a feat as of itself,” added Khârn.

 **Karl the Deranged -** Fuck You!!!!

 _Burst of_ **DAEMON** _on the scene!_

“No Ahriman, you don’t get to put him in a red and white sphere” said Bjorn. Ahriman just glared at the Space Wolf.

 **DAEMON** \- BANZAI!!!

 **Eliphas** _goes Waffles_

“Wait a minute,” said Ahriman. “Did they just say it was from _Swedesia_ ? The place these videos come from ?”

Everyone went silent. If the videos were made by traitors who took pride in it, would they be even reliable ?

Finally, Sevatar brought a hypothesis that made everyone comfortable. “It could be prophetic fiction. The Emperor’s voice _was_ after all in the video about the Senatus Imperialis. Then those characters would be the avatars of the actual writers of the show.”

“And how do you know that ?”

“Because I’m the Prince of Crows.” Sevatar said that with such confidence that no one ever again questioned the veracity of the holovids.

**Scene 5 - The Golden Throne  
** **Emps, Kitten, the Fabstodes** _  
_

**The God-Emperor of Mankind** \- FUCKING DAMN IT GILLSMAN. SPEAKING OF WHICH, DID YOU TELL THEM TO CUT HIS LIFE SUPPORT YET? IT IS VERY FUCKING IMPORTANT. ACTUALLY, WHEN YOU'VE DONE THAT, MAKE SURE TO BRING THAT STASIS FIELD POWER ADAPTER HERE. I MIGHT NEED THAT EXTRA POWER TO CHARGE MY DATA SLATE TO PLAY WHATEVER NEW BATTLEMACE 42 MILLION GAME IS OUT, OR WHATEVER ELSE MIGHT EXIST. NOT CALL OF DUTY THOUGH, THEY SERIOUSLY NEED TO STOP RELEASING THOSE SHITTY FUCKING REHASH GAMES EVERY YEAR.

 **Shield-Captain "Little Kitten" Kittonius** \- Right...my Lord, I'll make sure not to forget it this time... _Chuckles untrustworthily_

 **Emps** \- ACTUALLY, COME TO THINK OF IT, ARE THE ULTRAMARINES SOMEHOW CONNECTED TO ALL BAD THINGS THAT HAVE HAPPENED FOR THE LAST 10,000 YEARS? IT FEELS LIKE WE KEEP BRINGING THEM UP ALL THE TIME.

 **Kitten** \- Well, they've kinda become the poster-boys of the Imperium so, we can't really avoid mentioning them. Oh! Speaking of which, I actually remember the name of that thieving Chapter now!

 **Emps** \- REALLY? WHAT IS IT THEN.

 **Kitten** \- The name of the chapter is the Blo-

“And here we go again. Will we hear the name ?”

_(Enter the Fabstodes)  
_

**Custodian Karius "Karstodes" Dolman** \- I am soooooo sorry for interupting you, little kitten, but we have something very important to inform you about.

 **Emps** \- OH SHIT, IT'S MY ETERNAL TORMENT UPON THIS THRONE MADE MANIFEST AGAIN.

“My torturers have returned…” Nev whispered. “What have I done to deserve such punishment?”

 **Custodian Disistan "Custodisi" Flavius** \- You see, we were outside the Palace travelling through the spires of Terra when we noticed that everything was on fire.

 **Custodian Whamusus "Whammudes" Balik** \- Not in the usual sacred incense burning way either!

 **Karstodes** \- Mmmyes, indeed. Apparently there are Inquisitors running amok all around the planet. They are looking for the one who sent that message demanding the disbanding of the Inquisition and Adeptus Ministorum.

 **Emps** \- SO THEY HAVE ARRIVED.

“If your plan involves burning Terra, it’s generally not a good plan.”

 **Kitten** \- Holy imperator berries, really!?

“I say we give him points for original swears,” commented Ahriman appreciatively.

“These are _berry_ imaginative,” punned Bjorn in return.

 **Custodisi** \- Really. I suggest you go to the High Lords immediately. Perhaps the Inquisitorial Representative can be argued with.

 **Whammudes** \- If not we can just, y'know...eat him or something...

“What does he means when he says he’s going to ‘eat him’?”

“I don’t think any of us wants an answer to that question, Santar.” Sigismund whispered.   

 **Kitten** \- There is no time to be lost, let's go!

 _The_ **Fabstodes** _prance away, leaving a barely hopped_ **Kitten** _behind_

I'm fucking done. 

 **Scene 6 - Senatus Imperialis  
Decius, Fyodor, Dominique, **_an_ **Arbites**

 **Ecclesiarch Decius XXIII, Keeper of the Imperial Faith** \- I was foolish to believe you would hold a promise like this one. You are untrustworthy filth, not ever worthy of the Emperor's blessing!

 **Lord Inquisitor Fyodor Karamazov** \- I am the only one here worthy of the Emperor's blessing! I am the only one who is going to save him from his very own corrupt bodyguards!

“He’s very clearly delusional,” remarked Raldoron.

 **Decius** \- You are NOT entering the Palace, Fyodor!

 **Fyodor** \- I would like to see you try and stop me!

 **Decius** -I'll gladly show you! GUARDS!

“He should’ve done that from the start,” declared the Warsmith.

 _Appearance of female Adeptus_ **Arbites**

 **Arbites** \- Stop, you have violated the law!....RAWR!

Sevatar facepalmed. _Is this how the law is served in this ghastly 41st millenium?_ he thought.

 **Fyodor** _sighs inquisitorially  
_

**Inquisitorial Flunky Dominique** \- Ah, Fyodor! We're surrounded!

 **Fyodor** \- Be quiet, Dominique!

 **Decius** \- Well here we are, Fyodor. At long last I can put you, and your miserable little cult away. Never to interfere with the Emperor's will again.

 **Fyodor** \- Hmm...Ahahahahahahaha! Foolish! Have you forgotten that my throne is a massive weapon arsenal?

 **Arbites** \- Oh, Shit!

 **Arbites** _gets Throne-PAWNED_

 **Dominique** \- Hey Ecclesiarch, we're gonna light you up. Like a sandpaper cigarette...IF I HAD ONE!

 **Decius** \- Grrrrrhh...

 **Fyodor**   _laughs in inquisitorial contentment_ Oh, Ecclesiarch...If you and the rest of Terra do not meet my demands, I will have this entire room, and all of its inhabitants fall prey to my Throne of Judgement! It is too bad for you that this 'passive decree' is still in effect, isn't it?

“If he does it, he will have the Inquisition declare war on the Arbites, the Imperial Army, the Mechanicus and the Administratum… I had underestimated this Karamazov. He really is going to save the Imperium. From the Inquisition.” Khârn and others started laughing.

 **Decius** \- Fyodor, you absolute ass...

 **Fyodor** \- Aww, don't feel too bad. Hehehe...At least my Melta will fry you away from this existence, instead of splattering your blood across the floor! Because that was your primary concern, wasn't it? Now...I'm going into that Palace, and I alone, will save the Emperor...AND THE IMPERIUM OF MAN!!

SEASON 1 END

"Is this the end of the series?" Vespasian couldn't believe that someone would finish a series with such a cliffhanger.

"It doesn't looks like it, but there are no more holovids," Gage pointed out.

"Strange, that ending indicates that there should be more," the scion of the Phoenician said. As he finished speaking the screen turned pitch black, only for second later a message to appear in blood-red letters.

**_Before the new warp gate can be opened  
Cowards and backstabbers must pay the Blood Price _ **

"What the hell does that mean?" Nev demanded.

"Before the new warp gate can be opened, cowards and backstabbers must pay the Blood Price," Ahriman read. "Maybe we have to purge the traitors before that Alfa can send us the rest of the holovids?"

"Well, if that's true then let's go kill them, we were going to do it anyway," the Fenrisian shrugged, saying it as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"We are going to make them into servitors Bjorn, not kill them," said Sevatar with a wicked smirk. "Death is too good for them."

"Servitor making, killing them, who cares? I'm going to rip their guts with my powerclaw for betraying the Allfather!"

"You Wolves don't really know how to use your brain."

"Shut up, Thousand Prick."

As the Astartes left to go take care of the Traitors, while listening to the unending bickering between Bjorn and Ahriman, Yesugei felt something strange in the warp around them. It felt like if an ancient power that many considered dead was back to the realm of souls, and when he went near the holovids he could hear laughter in the warp, that filled him a burning wish to avenge the betrayer of the Emperor.

 _What's going on here?_ , he thought, while desperately trying to regain control of his emotions, _I must control myself!_

"There's some kind of dark agenda at work here," he whispered. "But what is it?"

"Yesugei, you coming or not?" Sigismund shouted from the hallway.

"I'm...I'm coming."

After he left the room, the words on the still active holovid changed. If anyone had now came near it - which nobody did - it would have read, in alternated black and white words...

**I Will Finally Have My Revenge**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is a narrative chapter (10.5) to really conclude the first season of Astartes TTS, which you can read in the Extras, and then an Astartes Answers to open the next season.


	11. When in doubt, Blame the Eldar

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay for posting this chapter, a full two months after SB.net and AH.com.  
> I just... forgot to post it after SB.
> 
> As usual, I do not own the characters nor the setting. All I own is my brain. Which, all zombies be warned, is not for sale.
> 
> Small reminder, this might not make sense if you read this just after Chapter 10. You need to go read Chapter 10.5 and at least the last question of the second Astartes Answer (in the Extras) beforehand. They're easy to find, it's the next work in the series.  
> Why didn't I make it a single work and number those normally ? Because we wanted chapter 11 to be the reaction to video number 11 and so on. Sadly, this means due to AO3 not having yet integrated the concept of intercalary chapters that we had to put everything outside the main videos in an other work. We might wind up separating the omakes later.  
> Which leads me to my next thing. If you like this series and want to write an omake, don't hesitate to send it to me or Karolus. More me, because honestly Karolus isn't very active on AO3, but still don't hesitate.

“You are saying that everything we received weren’t gifts?” Magnus couldn’t believe that his Legion would actually steal something from the Imperium. Xenos and enemies were free game of course, sometimes they had interesting books and well who cares if he got some books Father had declared illegal?

“That’s what I have been telling you for the past hour.”

“But how? How would anyone steal so much without being caught? For example.” The Sorcerer-King of Prospero pointed at the two Strike Cruisers surrounding the  _ Photep _ . “T'Kar said that those two Cruisers were a gift from the Mechanicus, for our actions at Serapis Prime.”

“Well those may have been a real gift.” Ahriman conceded. “But how do you explain the 100 Suits of Gorgon Pattern Terminator Armour?”

“Well……” Magnus really couldn’t explain that one, the Gorgon and him weren’t exactly in the best of terms and not even Fulgrim had gotten more than 10 Suits of Gorgon Pattern Armour and his friendship with Ferrus was legendary. “I-I...they were sent to us by mistake?”

“The Primarch of the Iron Hands making a mistake?” The First Captain raised an eyebrow as he said it. “I would sooner believe that a Ultramarine had forgotten to file his daily paperwork.”

“Ok, I admit that maybe,  _ maybe,  _ someone stole those suits of armour. But, if that’s true, why didn’t Ferrus complained about it?”

“He did.” To the surprise of Magnus it was the Shield-Captain of the Legio Custodes that answered him. “I recall it, because I was on duty when the Primarch of the Iron Hands Legion went personally to the Bucephelus to complain about it . He wanted to destroy Prospero as payment for stealing those suits. His Majesty had to order me, and two of my brothers, to restrain him because he destroyed a table when he was told that if he did that then he would suffer the consequences.”

“Father covered for me?” The Primarch of the Thousand Sons was really touched, he loved his Father, like all Primarchs - well most of them anyway - but he never imagined that He would defend from criticism in such a way.

“He did.” Kittonius confirmed. “And it wasn’t the first time, I remember when Lord Guilliman came to complain for the theft of 200 sets of...    


At this moment, they were interrupted by a sound quite similar to that of an hippopotamus in one of the great rivers of Prospero. Bjorn had just yawned.

“Are we bothering you?” Magnus asked sarcastically.

“Of course not.” The Fenrisian fired back. “Its just all this talk of stolen stuff reminded me that the Thousand Bloody Magpies also stole from my Legion, I think I should burn this place as payment for the theft. I’m sure Russ would find the punishment fitting.”

“Indeed.” Artellus agreed. “They also stole from  _ my  _ Legion so I should also demand payment while I’m here, and I really like Bjorn’s idea.”

At hearing those words, father and son both went pale. The ship was full of countless precious books, some hadn’t even been copied and sent to Propero yet! If those two got near the library…….Magnus couldn’t even force himself to imagine what would happen. He would sooner lose his good eye before allowing them to “collect the price for the theft”.

“You are not serious are you?” Ahriman muttered.

“Do you really want to find if I’m serious about it?” Bjorn gave him his best wolf smile as he said it, showing all his sharpened teeth, sending shivers into Ahriman’s spine. He knew that if the Space Wolf was left alone in the library with the Salamander they would burn it all to the ground and then piss on the ashes. 

There was only one logical solution to this problem.

He would have to throw them into the ship’s hull, lock it, place 100 of his Brothers guarding the only entrance and hope that would be enough to save the library.

As he prepared to make his move, Hathor Maat, Captain of the 3rd Fellowship, entered the room.

“My Lord.” He said to his Primarch. “We are receiving a message from the Emperor’s flagship, its marked Vermilion Clearance Level.”

Vermillion. The  _ highest level _ of clearance in the Imperium. One could count with the fingers of a hand the number of times a Vermillion-class message had been sent during the Great Crusade. For the Emperor of Mankind to use it...it could only mean that an event of galactic magnitude, an event that would forever change the history of the Imperium of Mankind, was about to happen.

“Relay the message.” Magnus voice was calm, but Ahriman could notice the note of fear in his voice.

Maat stood still for a few seconds, from the static coming from his helmet he was probably talking with the Adept in charge of communications. He then saluted his Primarch and left. The other Astartes prepared to leave as well, but the Lord of the XV Legion signaled them to stay. Most of them were high-ranking members of their own Legions, no doubt their Primarchs would share the information with them, so there was no danger in allowing them to see the message.

+++CLASSIFICATION: Vermillion Level Intelligence+++   
+++CLEARANCE: Vermillion+++   
+++ENCRYPTION: Cryptox v 2.6+++   
+++DATE: 000.M30+++   
+++AUTHOR: Constantin Valdor+++   
+++SUBJECT: Excommunicate Traitoris+++   
+++RECIPIENT: Magnus, Primarch of the XV Legio Astartes+++

Per Order of His Majesty, the Emperor of Man, the XV Legion of the Legiones Astartes, is ordered to move with all haste to the Seraphina System in the Segmentum Pacificus.

The XV is ordered to go with all haste, waste no time gathering your forces, advance with the forces currently available.

The VI, XIII, and the XVI shall meet the XV at the Sector.

The XVIII Legion will also rendez-vous at designated System.

When all the selected Legiones reach the Seraphina System they are to move to Colchis, the Home World of the XVII Legion.

The XVII has been declared Excommunicate Traitoris, offer no mercy nor quarter to the orbital forces protecting the Colchis System.

When you finish destroying the defenses, start a blockade of the planet. Under no circumstances are the Legiones authorized to start the Planetary invasion before the arrival of His Majesty, the Emperor of Mankind.

 

_ Excommunicate Traitoris. _

Magnus couldn’t believe it.

Lorgar had always been one of the kindest of his brothers. The only that could calm even the worst of them, when their temper went wild. The Red King knew that the XVII had been corrupted but surely Lorgard had been innocent in that, it was the fault of his officers! Or was it? He remembered when he talked with Lorgar, years ago, his brother had changed, he had spoken to him of some strange Gods he had found. Magnus had told him to stop playing with powers he didn’t understand - the hypocrisy of his words didn’t passed by him, but he at least had the power to face whatever was out there in the Warp, while Lorgar had always been the weakest of the Brotherhood - maybe he should had talked more calmly with his brother back then, but at the time he had only felt annoyed with the way his brother had been acting. How he cursed himself now! If he had seen the signs, he may had been able to avoid this. Now a third brother could be put to the sword, another broken statue would now stand at the Kath Mandau Precinct. 

“Ahriman.” The Lord of the XV ordered. “Go to the command deck, give the orders to the fleet, we are to go to Seraphina System. Make sure these orders are not known by anyone but the Captains of the Fellowships.”

“As you order, my Lord.” The First Captain stoically said. He knew the strong bounds that united his Primarch with Lorgar. He knew how hard this was going to be to him. But orders were orders, and no one in the Imperium would ever disobey the Master of Mankind.

Turning to the remaining Astartes, and Custodes, Magnus told them to leave his chambers. He wished to stay alone.

The Custodes were the first to leave, they left to their quarters, no doubt waiting for more instructions from their Captain-General. The Astartes soon followed them and went to the canteen, it should be free from any Space Marine from the XV, they should be receiving orders to prepare everything for the Warp Jump, and they wished to talk about the upcoming campaign.

“So, Bjorn.” Marius started after they made themselves at ease in one of the biggest tables in the canteen. “You have the most experience among us in fighting other Astartes, care to share your valuable experience with us?”

“You know I can’t.” The usually cheerful Space Wolf was now stone faced. That was never a good sign. “I can’t speak of what happened, all I can tell you is to be ready for anything. There was only one Campaign that was worse that the Two I can not speak of, and that was the Rangdan Xenocides.”

“My Legion was almost destroyed during the Rangdan Xenocides, there has never been a worse campaign than that.” Garro stated. “How bad were the Two Campaigns in comparison?”

“During the First.” Bjorn started. “We lost almost half the Legion, it was only thanks to Russ that we won. In the Second we came close to calling the assistance of the Ordo Sinister.”

Garro went pale at hearing those words.

“Russ was about to send the message to call them, when we finally were able to break their line, but even then the casualties were horrible, I lost many close brothers during those campaigns.”

“The XVII is larger than the Two that Shall not be Spoken.” The Dark Angel stated. “It will be a bloodbath.”

“That’s why the XIII is being called.” Marius said in a cold voice. “We are the biggest Legion available to the Imperium, after the casualties your Legion took during the Rangdan Xenocides. Still I would wish we had the Lion with us, there’s no better tactical mind in the Imperium.” The Dark Angel nodded in acknowledgement. There was no arrogance in the gesture, everyone knew that the Primarch of the I was the best General in the Imperium, and he would no doubt consider not being called to take part in this Campaign as an insult. His ego was as big as his tactical prowess.

“We should go rest, cousins.” Abaddon remarked. “We should rest and then prepare ourselves for what is coming, it makes no good for us to dwell in what happened during the Executions, we must focus on our task with a clear mind.”

“Wise words from a Luna Wolf.” Vespasian muttered. “This is truly an age of wonders, what shall be next? Will Khârn become a philosopher and grace us with words about the ways of the sophists?”

With one last laugh at the remark of the Lord Commander of the Emperor’s Children, they rose and went to their individual chambers. Some would use their time to rest, others to think of what would happen when they fought the Word Bearers, ~~un~~ fortunately for all of them Bjorn would find a new box filled with Holovids.

**[Next Day]**

Khârn wasn’t a morning person.

One of his greatest pleasures was to kill the Servitore assigned to wake him up, unfortunately for him he was woken up by something far more annoying than a Servitor. He was woken up by the loudest creature known to Mankind, a Space Wolf.

“WAKE UP!!!” A cheerful Bjorn shouted.

“Whatthefuckdoyouwant?” A sleepy Khârn demanded.

“Guess what I found in my chambers?!” 

Before he had even time to think of an answer, the Fenrisian dropped a box on Khârn’s head. It was too light an object to harm him, but it sure as hell annoyed him.

“You do that again and I will shove my axes into that loud mouth of yours.” The World Eater grumbled. “What the hell are you doing here anyway? Shouldn’t you be annoying Ahriman or burning down a library?”

“First I can’t find Ahriman anywhere on this ship, he’s probably making sure that all the libraries here become fireproof. Second I found more holovids and I thought you would like to watch them.”

“Why would I waste my time watching them? We are going to battle Bjorn!”

“Khârn.” The Space Wolf said seriously. “Trust me when I say it’s best to have a laugh at this point, it will clear our head and keep our minds from wandering into dark thoughts.”

“Very well then.” Khârn said while sitting up. “But you do this again, and I swear by the Emperor, I will kill you.”

“Well, I got 5 death threats already for waking up the rest of the lazy bones, so you will have to get in line.”

They quickly went to meet with the others, it looked like Bjorn had been able to find an empty chamber big enough for all of them. When they got there Khârn found that even the Custodes had been summoned.

“You dragged the Custodes here?” Khârn asked in disbelief.

“No. I was dragging Narek when they saw me, they demanded to know what was going on and when I told them they decided to join us. Said that Valdor had ordered them to ‘keep an eye on the Word Bearer’.”

“So where were we?” Nev asked cheerfully, it look like he had been able to finally delete the images that had been cursing his mind. The Tech Priest also looked calmer than usual. They had probably gotten some Librarian from the Thousand Sons to delete their memories. 

“The Crazy Goat was about to invade the Imperial Palace.” Sigismund said to the confusion of the Custodians.

“Well then.” Narek said with a smile. “Time we rejoin this crazy train. Tech Priest.”

**Scene 1 - Senatorum Imperialis** **  
** **Fyodor, Dominique, Decius, the High Lords, Kitten, the Fabstodes**

**Ecclesiarch** **Decius XXIII, Keeper of the Imperial Faith** \-  Fyodor, you deluded miscarriage of imperial justice! Do you even realize what will happen if you kill us!?

“He will become a Hero of the Imperium for saving everyone from your incompetence?” 

“Actually, the priest is alright. The others though…” 

“The priest can stay.” Garro agreed. “But the rest should be summarily executed.”

“If we executed people for incompetence half of Mankind would be dead.”

To the surprise of Vespasian it was Sevatar that came up with the follow up.

“I see no problem with that.”  When the others gave him strange looks he just said. “According to the Nostraman Penal Code Incompetence is to be punished with summary execution. I’m just following the law here.”

**Lord Inquisitor Fyodor Karamazov** \-  Oh? I don't know. Maybe they'll go to the old-folks home planet and find some new High Lords!

“So… One of those dreaded  _ retirement homes ? _ ” smirked Khârn.

“Are we going to ignore that they just admitted that the Senatorum Imperialis just chooses six random guys from a old-folks planet to lead the Imperium?” Marius Gage was definitely not happy.

On screen, the High Lords shivered at the thought.

**Master of the Administratum** \- Don't say the name of that planet out loud.

****Lord** **Commander Militant of the Imperial Guard** ** \- Such horrid memories... [Cries of unfathomable sadness]  
We outlawed saying the name of that HORRID PLANET!

**Provost** \- Why I'd smack you on the buttocks with my Power Maul, and send you to a Penal World if I hadn't forgotten how to walk just a moment ago!

“He forgot how to walk?”

“You’d expect that of a clumsy tech-priest, not an old man…”

“Adeptus of the Mechanicum would never forget how to walk.” The Tech Priest said dead serious. “We have a full unit of our brain dedicated to transportation.”

“And there’s never a tech-priest that erased it by mistake?”

“No.” As he said this, he accessed his own memory units and deleted all his memories of members of the Mechanicum demanding their Adepts install them a new transport unit because they deleted it by mistake.

**Grand Provost Marshall -** Give me a second, I'll be up!  
And then it will come back to me, and then I'm gonna KICK YOUR ASS!

**Fabricator-General of Mars** \- I replaced my penal with a floppy disk!

**Admin -** OOOOoo-kaaaay...  
That would explain a lot.

**Fyodor** \- SILENCE YOU DECREPIT SERVITOR REJECTS!

“You know that the Imperium is depressing the moment the Crazy Goat is the one making sense.”

**Inquisitorial Flunky Dominique -** Awh, Fyodor; that's what I was gonna say!

**Fyodor -** You be quiet too!

**Decius -** The future of the Imperium is at stake here! I will not let you destroy it!

**Fyodor -** I told you...I'm SAVING the Imperium! Not destroying it!  
Now quiet down, and take of that stupid taco-shell of a hat, and lead me... to. the. PALACE!!

_ Throne stomps mere inches from Ecclesiarch, who doesn't even flinch _

**Decius -** Don't you talk shit about my hat! I would NEVER take it off!

“Really ? That’s what you choose to react to?” moaned Khârn, disappointed by the lowering in the invective levels since the 31st Millenium.

“What is a Taco anyway?” asked Sigismund. A grievous mistake, since Marius Gage immediately began a long-winded speech about it.

“According to the Lex Imperialis, Version M30, Section 179, the taco is the greatest food in the universe, and must only be consumed consensually. Due to...“

The conclusion came three hours later. By then, most of them had gotten back into sleep. “...and this is why the only day where taco consumption is legal is the Monday.”

**Decius -** ...and I would never lead you to the Palace either for that matter.

**Fyodor -** THEN YOU SHALL ALL DIE!!

_ Dramatic closeup, and Throne of Judgement power-up _

**Shield-Captain **"Little Kitten" Kittonius of the Adeptus Custodes** -** ...I wouldn't do that if I were you.

_ Dramatic reveal and Focus Hum _

At seeing Kitten the Custodes turned to Kittonius, surprised to see him on the holovids.

**Dominique -** Hey, Fyodor, look. It's that giant walking banana that tells me to burn houses down and kill things!

“Rule number one. If a banana tells you to kill things, you kill the banana,” pointed out helpfully Raldoron.

“How do you know what to do in this specific scenario?” asked a curious Dantioch.

“......I refuse to answer this question.” The Blood Angel answered stone faced.

**Fyodor -** What!? You're of the Adeptus Custodes! Explain your intrusion immediately!

**Kitten -** Indeed I am! And I have come to deliver a message upon you. What you are doing here is interfering with the Emperor's will, and also really damned stupid!

“I think I agree with...me?” Kittonius said, confused by his appearance in the vid.

**Kitten -** ...Like, seriously, how dumb can you get?

**Admin -** I like bananas. 'Specially on a good ol' ice cream sunday!...or uh, euh what is sundea or...or sunduh...Aeeh, I dunno.

**General -** And they go well with promethium grilled barking toad steaks!

“Promethium grilled barking toad steaks.” Artellus was practically salivating while saying this.

“That sounds horrible.” Bjorn’s face went green at the idea of eating toads that barked, which was ironic considering his love for promethium grilled ice troll meat.

“It’s one of the specialities of a small death world called Cata-cata-catakan-catackakan-catachan!! Its a delicious dish!” 

**General -** Perhaps I should start issuing every one of my Guardsmen a banana instead of those useless damned laser-pointers!  
Maybe they'll grow up big and strong like me!...but with a banana and less grit!

**Fab -** Banana pulp is excellent for lubricating cogwheels! Banana pulp-

“How dare he?!” The Tech Priest was furious!! “How dare he soil the holy cogwheels with Banana pulp!!! YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO USE MANGO PULP!!”

“MANGO!?!?!” The Iron Hands’ face was horrified! How could a member of the Mechanicus use mango?! “I will have you know that the best pulp for the job is pineapple pulp!”

“Pineapple?! How can you of all people use pineapple pulp on cogwheels?! The Pineapple Sect was declared Heretical by the Mechanicus twenty years ago!”

“Well.” Santar prepared his argument but he was stopped by Abaddon.

“If you two continue arguing about fruit, I will give you the ‘Luna Wolves Special’, understood?” 

The two nodded, knowing all too well what happened to those that had the bad luck of getting a ‘Luna Wolves Special’.

**Fyodor -** SHUT UP! Now Custodes...What gives you the right to come in here to the Senatorum Imperialis?

**Kitten -** Quite simple Inquisitor...

_ FUCKING EMPEROR GRANTED IMPERIAL POWER SHINE _

**Captain-General of the Adeptus Custodes "Little Kitten" Kittonius -** I too am a High Lord! I am Captain General of the Adeptus Custodes.

“You are the what?!” The other Custodes shouted surprised.

“I have no idea of what’s going on here!!” One could feel the desperation in the voice of the Shield-Captain.

**Custodian Karius Dolman** \- Oh shit! What a twist!

“What” dropped Karius Dolman.

**Custodan Disistan Flavius** \- Damn, Kitten sure went up in the world.

“The” followed Disistan Flavius

**Custodian Whamusus Balik** \- It must have been because of all that studying and military training he was doing!

“Fuck!” Whamusus Balik completed the incredulous swear.

“My torturers are back…” Nev muttered with fear in his voice.

“By the Omnissiah…” whispered the Tech Priest before starting a prayer to the Deus Mechanicus.

**Karstodes** \- When did this happen?

“Are those three…” Kittonius couldn’t force himself to finish the sentence.

“By all the gold in the Imperial Palace, please tell me that someone drugged me.” Balik said in terror.

**Whamuudes** \- Probably while we were all oiling our abs…

The Custodes just couldn’t speak anymore, they were too disgusted with what they were seeing.

**Custodisi** \- You...you mean each other's abs? _titillating chuckling_

Turning to Kittonius,  Flavius gave him his Guardian Spear before speaking.

“Please Brother, kill me.”

“Killing doesn’t work,” whispered a terrified Nev. “Trust me, I tried. Nothing made by Mankind can free us from those walking nightmares.”

Men say that those of the Legio Custodes feel no fear, that they would march to their deaths with what their transhuman faces would consider a smile if the Emperor ordered them. But on that moment the Custodes felt the cold hand of fear gripping them.

**Whamuudes** \- AH-huuuu...that too ;)

“Tech Priest.” Flavius said with all the calm he could muster. “We would require your services. These armours must never come off, understood?”

The Tech Priest only nodded and started to chant in the Lingua-technis, thanking the Deus Mechanicus for saving this Universe from the Three Great Strippers.

**Dominique -** I am sexually confused Fyodor! Kill them all, kill them all!! Quick, left shoulder man, shoot them while they're still sexy!  
Uuuh...left shoulder man? Left shoulder man?? Oh! There's a needle in his arm, he's on another planet.

“Probably the wisest man in that room.” Sigismund noted.

**Fyodor -** Be...Quiet Dominique! I give the orders here.  
Custodes. Tell me why you are here in the first place. You're all supposed to stay within the Imperial Palace, is that not right?

**Kitten -** Ordinarily yes, but this is no ordinary occasion.

“But not special enough for your brothers to start using their armour…” Gage muttered.

_ [Inquisitorial spluttering] _

**Fyodor -** Well that doesn't matter! I'm still going into that Palace! I'm still bringing the BIG GUNS!

“Is he really going to invade the Imperial Palace?” Kittonius couldn’t believe anyone would be that stupid.

**Kitten -** Really? Will you be able to shoot all of us?

**Fyodor -** What in the Eldar's sparkly shit are you talking about!?

_ [HIC SUNT CUSTODES] _

At the sight of so many half naked Custodes, everyone in the room, except Roldoron and Vespasian, started screaming in horror.

“WHAT HAPPENED TO ALL OF US?!?!” Flavius shouted in desperation.

“Why I’m happy that you are doing your jobs for a change.” Kittonius started. “WHY IN THE NAME OF ALL THE GOLD ON TERRA ARE YOU ALL NAKED?! I THOUGHT ONLY THESE THREE WERE INTO STRIPPING!!”

“Everyone now knows my suffering.” Nev whispered with a wicked satisfaction.

**Fyodor -** Oh, that's what you are talking about...

**Dominique -** Hey Fyodor, we're surrounded again! And this time by loads of half naked men!  
It's like a ruddy ocean of bare nipples and bulging muscles. It's making me moist.

**Fyodor -** Just. be. quiet. Dominique...

_ [Inquisitorial mumbling] _

**Kitten -** I've come to make the announcement to you and everyone in this room...  
Through the amazing technology of the, like...second millennium or something...Our Emperor is once more able to speak to us!

“Second Millennium technology.” The augmented eyes of the Tech Priest started scanning the holovid image trying to find any signs of Archeotech. “How could they find an intact example of the holiest of Archeotech?!”

“Shouldn’t we focus more, on the fact that the Emperor is said to be  **_once more_ ** able to communicate with the Imperium?” asked the Custodes.

“No.” The Tech Priest responded, dead serious. “Archeotech is more important than those small details.”

**Kitten -** Our glorious Lord can command us once again! and that is slowly, but surely has begun doing!

**Fyodor -** wwwwwwwwwWHAT!?!?

**_*Practically Khorne Chaos RED Rage Aura*_ **

**Decius -** Holy Emperor...he speaks! Is this...is this true?

**Admin -** The Emperor can talk again? Oh boy! Now I can finally retire, and eat up all those social security checks like the worthless piece of shit that I am! Just like I always dreamed of.

“At least he’s honest about being pieces of shit. Never expected that from any of them”, noted Narek.

**Fab -** Isn't that what you're already doing?

**Admin -** Yeah, but now we can FEEL like worthless pieces of shit; it's the whole package!

**Provost -** I'm sure he'll be so thankful for the good job we've been doing while he's gone on that looong bathroom break.

**General -** Ishfhs...I'm sure he's an expert on laxatives! I canhhh...I can't weeeurhg...I can't wait to talk to him!

**Fab -** And thaaaaat's the power of technology, kids!

“I’m surprised he even knows what technology is.” Commented the Tech-priest. “I would expect him to be like those crazy dogmatics from the  _ Pineapple Cult.” _

“Are you going to keep focusing on that and ignoring how cheesy that line was?” An annoyed Santar fired back.

“‘ _ Luna Wolves Special.’”  _ Both tech-enthusiasts shivered at Abbadon’s renewed threat.

**Decius -** But, Captain-General...Why have you not told anyone of this before? It seems like a kind of important thing to tell us High Lords, you know?

**Kitten -** Well, the Emperor never told us to actually tell anyone and we would never do anything the Emperor hasn't told us to do.

**Whamuudes -** Except undress, fap, and be fabulous!

“This actually doesn’t sound that bad…” muttered Balik.

The looks the other members of the Legio Custodes gave him spoke louder than words. Then the words he’d said finally registered in Whamusus Balik’s mind, and he fainted.

“We should throw him into the void before he infects us with whatever virus made him utter those disgusting words.” Flavius proposed and the other two were quick to nod in agreement.

“Are you really going to do it?” Asked a curious Sigismund.

“Of course we are.” Flavius's face was like a frozen painting of emotions, where disgust and rage mixed with something Sigismund couldn’t identify, but for a second he thought he saw...  _ shame _ ?  in the Custodian face. It was probably a product of his imagination, nothing a couple of hours on the pain glove wouldn’t remove from him.

“Didn’t you say” Sevatar started while pointing at Flavius. “That you would request the Tech Priest to modify your armours so they could never be removed?”

“Y-y-y-y-y-yes.” The Custodian confirmed while clearing his throat. “But you see, just to be safe, we will throw him into the void, we don’t want him going around contaminating people with his immoral thoughts - WHICH NO ONE OF US SHARES WITH HIM! - perfectly understandable. Also stop questioning your betters Astartes, you cannon fodder should know your place.”

“While I agree with the sentiments of my subordinate, this really isn’t something the Emperor’s disposable toys should care about.” The Shield-Captain was clearly irritated with all this talk. “I’m going to order you three to go to our quarters, and make sure you fix whatever is wrong in Balik’s head.”

“What ever you say,  _ Shield Captain.”  _ Sevatar said those words with so much venom that Bjorn howled as if faced by the legendary sea snake of the Fenrisian sagas, Jormungandr.

_ [Absolutely disgusting] _

**Kitten -** But, yeah. The Emperor told us to go forth and have his message delivered and that is what we have done!  
Now, Inquisitor, step off that throne and-

**Fyodor -** NOOOO!  
You vile scum! You LIE! You are all corrupted! Chaos has planted its seed into your minds...You are all heretics! HEEEREEETIIIIIIICS!!

**Kitten -** Alright, yeah, I'm done being nice for today.  
Give this crazy bastard the Emperor's peace in Three...

“This looks good!!” Bjorn barked as he started digging into a bucket of “Popkhârn” that he had somehow conjured. This didn’t escape Targutai Yesugei, although he prefered asking for some to pointing out what had happened. 

“Finally, we’re going to see them DOING THEIR FUCKING JOBS!” The Shield-Captain shouted with happiness while stealing some of Bjorn’s snacks.

_ Custodes shift, weapons and muscles primed and ready for slaughter _

**Kitten -** Two...One

_ Glorious flash of Imperialis Interruptus _

**The God-Emperor of Mankind -** STOP!

The power of the psychic shout was so strong that even those watching stopped what they were doing, which in Kittonius’s case was stealing more snacks from Bjorn. When the others noticed this they all said “owwwww” for some strange reason that made Bjorn give them a deathly stare.

_ Imperial Whitescape of Mindscape....before shifting back to reality _

**Kitten -** Okay, stop, don't shoot!

_ Confused shift of muscle flabbing down, followed by confused custodes head shifting _

Nevermind...Leave him. Let him run.

**Decius -** What!?

**Admin -** Well! This is certainly a peculiar turn of events.

“I agree.” Gage said to the astonishment of everyone in the room. “I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I agree with that incompetent fool that is probably addicted to warp dust.”

“Warp dust?” Bjorn asked naively.

“We will tell you about it when you are older.” Vespasian said quickly.

“I’m older than most of you.” Remarked the Fenrisian but everyone ignored him, not wanting to tell him what warp dust was.

**General -** I'm so confused...waw, what are we watching? I put this show on for the war and the blood and the shootin' and the bluurargha-

**Provost -** I hope its Vox News. That's my favorite show nowadays since they cancelled JAG.

"They cancelled JAG?!" Sevatarion couldn’t believe his favorite series could ever be cancelled. 

“You like JAG?” Questioned a surprised Vespasian.

“Well I…….” It was clear to everyone that the Night Lord was a closet fan. “Konrad loves it and forces all the Legion to watch it.”

“Sure, sure.” Vespasian said dismissingly while laughing.

**Fyodor -** You...You'll regret this Custodes...You'll regret the day you turned your back on Humanity!  
You may show me mercy, but do not think I shall reply in kind. I will have my vengeance you filthy heretics!

**Dominique -** Hey Fyodor, we should run!

**Fyodor -** Be quiet, Dominique!...But yes we totally should.

_ *Promethium Plasma Jets power up, as throne transforms to flight mode, and then rockets through ceiling, blowing away all the custodes in an un-fun way* _

**Decius -** Why didn't you execute him!? We had him surrounded, but you let him slip through our fingers! Why!? I don't understand!

“Once again.” Narek was once again gloating. “The  _ religious guy  _ is the one making sense.”

“You are never going to stop saying this, are you?” Asked an exasperated Raldoron.

“Nope.” The Word Bearer said happily. “You have been shitting on me and my religion for almost 200 years, time for payback.”

_ Collective Sigh _

**Kitten -** As hard is it may seem to believe, it wasn't I who made this choice. It was the Emperor…

_ *Everyone shifted in shock and reverence* _

**Decius -** The...The Emperor?

**Kitten -** His voice came to me, telling me we should let him go. I do not yet know why, but I will not question it, for I know the Emperor intends it to be this way.

**Decius -** Well...I am in no place to go against you then, Custodes. Nevertheless, perhaps we should consider warning the rest of Terra about this Inquisitorial threat.  
He, and his companions, are most likely fleeing to the Inquisition's base on Terra's south pole.  
We should arm our defenses, and be ready to take them down if they try anything.

“Again.” Narek pointed out. “The  _ Religious Person  _ is the one displaying wisdom and rationality, what do you have to say to this you atheists?”

“That’s fucking common sense!”

“And it looks like common sense is the rarest thing on that cursed Galaxy! And only the  _ Religious People! -  _ seem to have it.”

“Narek.” Abaddon said calmly while pressing his hand on his unprotected shoulder. “What did I tell you about being annoying and trying to convert people?”

“To not do it…” The Word Beerer whispered sheepishly.

“And what were you doing?” 

“I promise to stop…”

“Good, because if you don’t…” The First Captain of the Luna Wolves left the implications unsaid.

**Kitten -** Indeed, we should probably do so!

_ *Imperialis Interruptus* _

Wait...Hold on.

_ *Imperial...waiting* _

Yello! Custodes speaking…  
...What, Why!?  
...Okay, okay sorry my Lord, but...why?  
...Fine, I'll tell them...  
...I'll be right over shortly, I'll make sure to hurry...  
...Y....Yes, I'll bring your Centurion too...Okay bye...  
...love you too, dad...

_ *Imperialis Returnus* _

“From experience.” Yesugei started. “Telepathy is usually more along the lines of ‘CAN YOU SPEAK LOUDER? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!’ followed by countless hours trying to get the telepathic connection to work.”

“That’s only for you weak-willed toys.” You could almost feel Kittonius’s smugness as he said those words. “For our Liege telepathy presentes no challenge.”

[At this very moment on the Bucephelus]

“CONSTANTIN!!” Shouted the Man-Emperor of Mankind. “SPEAK LOUDER I CAN’T HEAR YOU!”

“SIRE I WAS TRYING TO SAY THAT WE ARE OUT OF TAC…” The Captain-General of the Custodes was unable to finish his message as the telepathic feed broke.

“CONSTANTIN! CONSTANTIN? ARE YOU STILL THERE?!”

[back to the Astartes]

We should not arm the defenses! We'll leave these events in shadow.

**Decius -** Ooo...okay...How come?

**Kitten -** The Emperor!

**Decius -** Naeh, very well...  
I guess we'll forget this ever happened.

**Kitten -** Yeah...something like that.

**Decius -** Huh.

_ *Imperial Awkwardus Silencio* _

**Kitten -** Umm...

_ *Continuing Imperial Awkwardus Silencio, Leaving Custodes included* _

**Decius -** ... _ [coughs] _

**Kitten -** Well, nice to meet you at last Ecclesiarch!

**Decius -** Yeah, you too. Keep up your sacred work in keeping the Emperor safe with care.

**Kitten -** ...And you keep up suppressing the truth from the masses!

**Decius -** Well that's what I do best! Until next time.

“Suppressing the truth from the masses is what they do best, you could almost say that a  _ religion  _ is designed to suppress knowledge, wouldn’t you say my dear Narek?” Dantioch’s voice was dripping with sarcasm.

“I wonder what they mean by suppressing.” Artellus said to no one in particular. “Do they kill everyone that finds the truth?”

“Probably.” Gage answered. “What would you expect from  _ them?” _

“I know what you are doing.” An annoyed Narek said. “It won’t work. My faith is clad in ceramite.”

“Then all we need is a bolter capable of firing the Imperial Truth at you to break it!” To the surprise of all it was Sigismund that made the joke.

“Now, Narek, do you understand why people find you annoying when you preach your religion to others?” Abbadon asked calmly.

“Yes. I’ll try to be more restrained.”

“Pleased to meet you, More Restrained. I’m Ezekyle Abaddon.” If the First Captain of the Luna Wolves expected laughs for his joke he was disappointed, instead he was greeted with an overwhelming silence.

**Scene 2 - Inquisitorial Base, Terra's Ass  
Fyodor, Dominique**

**Lord Inquisitor Fyodor Karamazov -** They think to spread chaos and ruin throughout the Imperium of Man, do they? The cowards, the fools!  
This is the worst incursion of corruption I have ever seen.

“I agree, Terra is a hive of scum and villainy.” Everyone gave Sevatarion a surprised look for saying that, that made him clarify what he was talking about. “I’m talking about actual corruption, Terra is probably the most corrupt planet in the Universe, when I was there someone tried to bribe Konrad.” 

“To do what?” Raldoron was honestly curious on who would be foolish enough to try to bribe the Night Haunter.

“Doesn’t matter, he killed them.”

**Inquisitorial Flunky Dominique -** Oh, that's what the doctor's said when he looked at my lungs!  
I mean, every time I think about it, it just makes me want another sand-paper cigarette.  
I bet you could use one too after that shit-show, huh Fyodor?

**Fyodor -** Do they forget that I am the purest, mightiest, and most ruthless Witch Hunter in the galaxy!  
I am the one and only who gave the middle finger to the Ecclesiarchy the first time they tried to spread chaos throughout the Imperium!  
And I will do it again!  
Dominique, prepare your parchment...

**Dominique -** Finally, I get to do my job.

"I didn't realise he had one in the first place." Santar uttered to himself.

“Of course he has a job!” Vespasian cheerfully said. “He’s the comic relief!”

_ [snippitysnap] _

**Dominique -** Argh, my pencil broke.

**Fyodor -** Tell the rest of the Inquisition, that Holy Terra itself, has been overtaken by Heretics!  
The Ecclesiarchy...The High Lords of Terra...Even the Adeptus Custodes themselves have been corrupted by the ruinous powers.

“How can you be this stupid?” Kittonius was honestly impressed with such display of stupidity. “We Custodes can’t be corrupted by the Cancers in the Warp.”

**Fyodor -** Tell them that we need as many Inquisitorial troops here as possible! Tell them we need those forces here yesterday...  
Tell them...Tell them to bring everything.

**Dominique -** Uh Fyodor, what do you mean 'everything'?  
Oh, and what do you want on your hotdog?

“Hotdog! I would love one right now.”

“Had no idea the Space Wolves practiced cannibalism.” Joked Khârn. Bjorn’s answer came in the form of a ballistic mug of ale aimed at the World Eater’s head.

**Fyodor -** EVERYTHING!!

_ *Dramatic blackout* _

**Fyodor -** Emperor forbid, we may even have to take...the final measure...

“He can’t be talking about  _ that. _ ” Garro was almost speechless. “Not even  _ they _ could be that stupid.”

“Cousin.” Nev said has he placed his hand on the shoulder of the Death Guard Marine. “They are that stupid. If anything, at this point, we should be surprised they still haven’t done it in ten thousand years.”

“What are you two talking about?” Artellus asked confused.

“We think he’s considering doing Exterminatus on the Throneworld.” As Garro finished uttering the sentence Artellus was consumed by rage.

“If those idiots.” The usually cheerful tone of the Salamander was gone, being replaced by an animalistic grunt. “Dare to do such a thing, I will find their ancestors and feed them to a fire drake just so that those masses of slobering vermin will never be born!”

**Scene 3 - the Golden Throne  
Emps**

**The God-Emperor of Mankind -** WELL, THIS IS BORING.  
I SURE WISH I HAD FUCKING LEGS.

“What happened to our King?” The Shield Captain couldn’t believe that that thing on the holovid could the Emperor.

I WOULDN'T HAVE FIGURED THAT TALKING TO SOMEONE WOULD LEAVE YOU SO BORED WHEN YOU CAN'T DO IT.  
ESPECIALLY WHEN ITS THE ONLY THING YOU CAN DO THANKS TO YOUR STUPID SON WHO PUT YOU ON A GOLDEN, CLANDESTINE LIFE SUPPORT FOR THE REST OF FOREVER.

“Who did that?” asked with a cold fury on his voice.

“Weeeeeell…” Abaddon started. “From what they said it may have been, there’s no evidence backing it up so take this with a sector’s worth of salt….  
Horus.”

“What did you just say?” The Shield Captain lowered his Guardian Spear to reinforce his point.

“Its most likely fake information!”

“Fake.” Snorted Bjorn. “Only if you ignore the countless moments in which the Holovid Emperor blames Horus for being stuck on the Galaxy’s most uncomfortable chair.” 

“He never, specifically, said Horus is to blame for that!”

“I’m sure that the Emperor referring to him as ‘FUCKING HORUS!’ is just a show of affection.” 

“You two stop bickering.” The Custodian put an end to their bickering. “I only want to know, who’s to blame, so it can never happen.”

The two legionaries shared a  complicit look before saying in unison.

“It’s all Magnus’s fault.”

[Meanwhile In the Photep’s secret library]

“Aaa-cho!” Sneezed the Red King of Prospero.  _ There’s too much dust on this place, _ he thought,  _ I should tell Ahriman to clean it. That will be his punishment for being insolent, he will clean all libraries in the Photep! _

Magnus lightened up, happy with himself for coming up with a ‘punishment’ that would combine the useful with the pleasant. Not only would Ahriman get a fitting punishment, all of his books would be dusted and ready to read. Good old win-win scenario.

Still there was something bugging him, a strange feeling, like if someone had just said something unpleasant about him.

“I feel like I’m being shit-talked by those illiterate furries.” He said to no one.

[Back to the Astartes]

PSYCHOLOGY FUCKING SUCKS.  
I TOTALLY WISH MY FRAGMENTED SOUL AND PSYCHE COULD RETURN TO ME IN A FUNCTIONAL BODY SO I COULD FUCK AROUND WITH ILLUSIONARY APPEARANCE SHIFTING AGAIN.  
DOING THAT WAS THE FUNNIEST SHIT EVER, ALBEIT SCREWED THINGS UP BADLY FROM TIME TO TIME.

“You know, that’s more the kind of things I’d be expecting Ahriman to say.”

“He actually said that to me once.” Revealed Yesugei

“Really?”

“It was during a joint campaign with the Thousand Sons in the Arrheus system. Ahriman had decided to try a new Psykic power to bring the planet into compliance, the idea being to open a warp portal into the palace of the planet’s ruler and bring a strike force inside and force the King of Arrheus to surrender.”

“Should I assume it ended badly?”

“It did.” The White Scar admitted. “Instead of opening a portal to the palace we ended opening one into the middle of an active battlefield. Long story short, it ended with me, Ahriman, and two thousand Marines from both our legions desperately trying to avoid being crushed by almost one hundred titans, that were charging against the enemy. Afterwards all Ahriman could say about it was that ‘That screw up was the funniest thing ever!’

“Can’t believe the bookworm had it in him!” Bjorn roared with laughter.

BUT REALLY, ALL I WAS DOING WAS SAVING MANKIND IN MY OWN SUBTLE WAYS.  
LIKE THAT ONE TIME I MADE MYSELF LOOK LIKE A PALE, NON-SPECIAL PERSON, AND CHALLENGED MY SON VULKAN TO A GAME OF 'CATCH THE BIGGEST FIREDRAKE', AND THEN SAVED HIM FROM FALLING DOWN A VOLCANO.  
WHICH WAS KINDA IRONIC.

“Looks like the Emperor loves to prank his sons.” happily said Artellus.

OR THAT OTHER TIME WHEN I MADE MYSELF LOOK LIKE A MALNOURISHED, PARASITE-RIDDEN SHEEPHERDER, SAVED A SHIT LOAD OF PEOPLE, INTENDING TO BRING THEM TO A NICE PIECE OF LAND I FOUND.  
OPENED UP A RIFT IN THE SEA THAT WE COULD WALK THROUGH, BECAUSE I COULDN'T BE ARSED TO BUILD A BOAT.  
AND THEN WANDERED AN 11-DAY DISTANCE FOR 40 YEARS, THROUGH THE DESERT.

“How is that even possible?” Dantioch was horrified with Him being able to mess things at such a level.

“Maybe the Eldar did something that caused the Emperor to get lost for 40 years?”

“......I can believe that.”

“So can I.”

“Blame the pointy ears bastards.”

“We will purge their remaining Craftworlds for doing this to the Emperor.”

ACTUALLY, THAT WAS PRETTY FUCKING EMBARRASSING.  
WELL, AT LEAST THERE WAS THAT OTHER TIME WHEN I STOPPED WORLD WAR 18 BY POISONING THE LEADER OF THE NATIONALISTIC OSTRICH FORCES.  
I'M STILL NOT SURE HOW MANKIND MISSED ALL THOSE CLEAR SIGNS THAT THE OSTRICHES WERE BEHIND ALL THE ULTRA-CONSERVATIVE EXTREMIST SHIT THAT HAD BEEN GOING ON FOR SO LONG.  
OR WHEN I SPENT 50-SOMETHING YEARS AS AN OVERWEIGHT, MENTALLY UNSTABLE MANCHILD, CREATING GROTESQUE CROSSBREEDING PRODUCTS OUT OF ALREADY EXISTING FICTIONAL CHARACTERS OWNED BY DIFFERENT COMPANIES.

“.......blame the Eldar again?”

“It's rather unreason….” At the look the others gave him Gage quickly shouted. “BLAME THE ELDAR!!! IT'S ALL THEIR FAULT!”

“I agree, I say we exterminate all Eldar in the Galaxy for tricking the Emperor.”

“We shall.”

“They are really a despicable bunch, to trick our Emperor in such a way.”

HOPING TO HAVING MANKIND REALIZE THAT THEIR WAYS ARE FAULTY, SO THAT THEY WOULD PICK UP THE TORCH AND HEAD FOR THE FUTURE, RATHER THAN SITTING IDLY BY AND ENGAGING IN PETTINESS, SUPERSTITION, GLUTTONY, AND HATRED FOR ONE ANOTHER.  
THAT PLAN WAS GENIUS.  
TOO BAD PEOPLE WERE TOO FUCKING STUPID TO FIND THE ENLIGHTENING MESSAGES HIDDEN IN ALL THOSE HOLO-RECORDINGS I MADE.  
SIGH.  
IT WAS ONLY A MATTER OF TIME BEFORE I HAD TO REVEAL MYSELF, BUT SOMETIMES I WONDER IF I SHOULDN'T HAVE GONE AND DONE IT EARLIER.

“Why didn’t he revealed himself earlier?” The Ultramarine asked again, and this time he got an answer.

“The Emperor didn't revealed Himself neither too early nor too late. He revealed Himself precisely when he meant to.” Narek said solemnly. “If you had read the Lectitio Divinitatus you would know why He revealed himself to Mankind when He did.”

“Narek.” Started Abaddon. “If you keep trying to convert us, I’m going to shove you into a Macrocannon and fire you into the void.”

THEN AGAIN, I DON'T THINK IT MATTERS.  
AS TO QUOTE A CERTAIN INDECISIVE DAEMON FUCK...  
THINGS ARE GOING...

**JUST**

_**AS** _

_**PLANNED** _

“Sure.” An unimpressed Gage said to the Holo-Emperor. “Last time everything went just as planned you got stuck on that throne for ten thousand years.”

“Pains me to admit it, but I agree with the smurf.” Gage could barely believe his hears as Khârn said this, followed by the others Astartes  either voicing their agreement or nodding embarrassedly, with Narek being almost as red as Magnus as he voiced his support for the Ultramarine’s statement.

“How dare you say such things of our Liege!” Shouted a outraged Kittonius. “You mongrels! You wouldn’t be able to understand the Emperor’s, magnificent, schemes even if He came to this room to explain them to you! I hope the day when He orders us to kill you maggots is near!”

“Looks like we annoyed Goldy here.” Mocked Bjorn. “I would love to see you and your ten thousand yellow statues try to kill seventeen legions!”

“You damned underhive reject!” The Shield-Captain roared while pointing his Guardian Spear at the Fenrisian. “Insult His Majesty or the Custodians again and I will kill all of y...”

Before the Custodian could finish his threat a most bizarre accident happened. Where Bjorn had once been, beer mug in hand as he traded insults with Kittonius, now there were two Space Marines.

“What happened? How did I land on something really soft?” Asked a very confused Ahriman, before realizing he had landed right on top of Bjorn.

"I knew you fucking wizards wanted to kill us non-witches but do you really needed to try to crush my skull with stunts like this?" Asked the very annoyed, and confused, Space Wolf.

Meanwhile in the back, the secretive Astarte and the Dark Angel looked at each other, a wolfish grin on their faces and said in unison:

“Just as planned.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One little stuff I noticed. Not only does Dominique have an actual title outside 'inquisitorial flunky', but even better, since Episode 26, the Hereticus and Malleus representatives have names ! Isn't that ... Well shit I don't have an adequately ironic adjective. Then again, English isn't my first language.  
> Anyway, I think I edited in their names wherever they appeared. I'll probably do Dominique later. If you find a place where I forgot, tell me in the comments and I'll fix it.


	12. The Emperor's Litany of Complaints

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the TTS opening please look [here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rR8Six9qpcA)  
> For the music for The Rock Night Club please look [here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tVj0ZTS4WF4)
> 
> We do not own any of the characters or the setting. I do own up to the puns however.

Will you two stop fighting? It’s getting bothersome.” A very bored Abaddon finally spoke.

“HE WOLFIN’ USED MALEFICARUM TO LAND ON ME !”

“I USED APPLIED WARP SCIENCE YOU ORKLODITE!!”

“MALEFICARUM!”

“WARP SCIENCE!”

“MALEFI-” Bjorn never finished his accusation as a heavy flamer appeared in front of him.

“SHUT UP !” Shouted a very pissed off Artellus.

“How did you manage to get a heavy flamer in here?!” A very scared Ahriman inquired.

“He asked me to go get it while you two were wrestling on the ground.” The tone of voice of the Commander of the Raven Guard made it look like the answer should have been obvious.

“Now!” The Salamander shouted again. “If you two don’t want me to fry you like a bunch of hot dogs, apologize to each other and hug!”

“You want us to do what?”

“HUG!!! NOW!!!”

It took a couple more threats from the enraged Captain of the Firedrakes, but in the end the two Vitriolic Best Buds apologized and hugged each other. Still, not even the threat of the heavy flamer stopped Bjorn from using the hug to break a couple of Ahriman’s ribs with his signature “Bear Hug”.

In order to not return to their previous state of fighting, the First Captain of the Thousand Sons turned to the Chief Stormseer of the White Scars.

_“Can you bring me up to speed on what happened before the Spaced Corgi tried to murder me?”_

_“Of course.”_ But before he could transfer the knowledge to Ahriman the skypathic link was broken.

_“AHRIMAN, WHERE ARE YOU? WE HAVE SOME WORK TO DO! STOP PRETENDING TO BE BUSY, YOU ARE NOT FOOLIN’ ME!”_

_“Oh shit...eh just ignore him, Yesugei, he will go sulk in his library in a couple of minutes if we ignore him.”_

And, just like Ahriman predicted, after five more minutes of skypathic shouting, Magnus found a book to get absorbed into and ceased his loud assault.

“If you two are finished catching up.” Sevatarion said. “I think it’s time we start watching the new episode. Tech Priest, you know what to do.”

**Opening :**

**Chorus :** We are the Gods of the New World Order  
We are the Soldiers, the Legion of Light  
We are the Center, the Death of the Sun  
Fire and Flame, we are One.

“I must show Fulgrim this music.” Vespasian happily said. “It’s the perfect theme song for our Legion!”

“That song is obviously about the Imperial Fists.”

“Please, it says ‘Gods of the New World Order’ so it was obviously written for the best legion, the Sons of Horus.”

“It says ‘Fire and Flame, We are One’, so it is clearly about the…”

“Fools. Only the Legio Custodes is worthy of such a description.” Artellus was interrupted by Shield-Captain Kittonius.

**Scene 1 : The Golden Throne  
** **Kitten, Emps**

 **The God-Emperor of Mankind -** WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?

“Don’t you readers think the Emperor is the only one that knows how to break the fourth wall. The title of Prince of Crows comes with a lot of perks.”

 **Captain-General "Little Kitten" Kittonius of the Adeptus Custodes -** So, um...  
I didn't know you could contact people through telepathy like that.

 **Emps -** I WAS ABOUT TO THANK YOU FOR A JOB WELL DONE ON STOPPING THAT INQUISITOR. BUT THEN I REMEMBERED HOW HEADACHINGLY RETARDED YOU ARE.  
OF COURSE I CAN CONTACT PEOPLE TELEPATHICALLY.  
I'M THE MOTHERFUCKING EMPEROR.

“Plus even a five year old child can use telepathy.”  The First Captain of the Thousand Sons stated.

“So that means you can’t use it?”

“Say that again Bjorn and you will end up on the wrong side of the warp.”

 **Kitten -** Ah, ummm...  
So, why haven't you ever done that earlier?  
Like, before the Text-to-Speech device was implemented..?

 **Emps -** I HAVE, YOU FUCKING CHIQUITAMAN. QUITE A FEW TIMES, IN FACT.

 **Kitten -** Oh really? Huh, I haven't heard anything at all.

 **Emps -** HAVE YOU EVER USED TELEPATHY?

 **Kitten -** N-no, I haven't sir. I'm not a psyker...I think.

 **Emps -** THEN SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT IT.  
YOU'RE OBVIOUSLY NOT AWARE USING TELEPATHY TO COMMUNICATE LIKE THAT CAN BE REALLY STRAINING ON THE MIND.

“That’s a lie.”

 **Kitten -** But my Lord, aren't you the greatest psyker in the galaxy?  
Shouldn't a little bit of telepathy be like taking a casual killing stroll through a field of unarmed Eldar to you?

 **Emps -** IT WAS EASIER IN THE PAST WHEN MY PSYCHE WASN'T RAVISHED TO LUNACY, AND SPLINTERED BY THE AGONIZING TORMENT I RECEIVE FROM SITTING ON THIS THRONE.

SLOWLY BUT SURELY I AM HAVING MY SOUL TORN APART BY THE ENTROPY OF THE WARP WRITHING AGAINST THE POWERS OF MY MIND, WHILE MY BODY DECAYS IN PERPETUAL PAIN, AND I AM BEING FORCED TO LIVE THROUGH EVERY SECOND OF IT.

“Oh...guess this explains it.”

 **Kitten -** E-...endless torment, my Lord?  
Lunacy?  
Your soul being torn apart??  
Waaaah?

 **Emps -** YOU DON'T HAVE TO REMIND ME ABOUT WHAT I JUST SAID YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE.  
I'M NOT THAT SENILE JUST YET.

 **Kitten -** I didn't know it was like that, my Lord, I'm so sorry!

 **Emps -** ISN'T IT OBVIOUS??  
i HAVE BEEN SITTING HERE ON THIS FUCKING THRONE FOR 10,000 YEARS, SLOWLY ROTTING AWAY WHILE CONSTANTLY POWERING THE ASTRONOMICON, AND FIGHTING OFF THE HORRORS OF THE WARP AT THE SAME TIME.  
IT'S NO WALK IN THE FUCKING PARK, YOU DIPSHIT.  
JUST SITTING STILL WITHOUT MOVING FOR THIS LONG IS HORRIBLE.  
CAN YOU EVEN BEGIN TO IMAGINE THE MUSCLE CRAMPS I HAVE EXPERIENCED?  
ALSO, MY NOSE HAS BEEN ITCHING LIKE A LAWNMOWER EVER SINCE I WAS PUT HERE.  
IT DOESN'T EVEN EXIST ANYMORE, BUT IT STILL KEEPS ITCHING.  
AND I KNOW EXACTLY WHO TO BLAME FOR IT.

“I once fell and got stuck into a pit, couldn’t move and all." started Bjorn." And obviously that was the moment my body decided to itch all over. Especially behind the ears and in the back of the neck.”

**Scene 2 - The Warp  
Khorne, Tzeentch, Slaanesh, Nurgle**

**Tzeentch -** Nurgle, I hate you and everything you stand for...  
but phantom itching is probably the best thing you ever invented!

 **Nurgle -** Soon enough, the Anathema won't stand the succulent itching...  
_SLUURPing sound_  
...in his decaying body anymore.

“I really need to keep an eye on Typhon…” whispered Garro under his breath

 **Tzeentch -** And then he'll explode, destroying mankind and then he'll join us as a new Chaos God!  
JUST AS PLANNED! Nye-hehehehehehe!

“That does not sound like a good plan.”

“We might need some counter-plans.”

“And contingencies. Don’t forget the contingencies.”

“And contingencies to the contingencies, they are the most vital part of any plan.”

“Of course, that went without saying.”

 **Slaanesh -** OOOOH! All this excitement and torment is getting me SO DAMNED HORNY!  
_inhales  
_ Anyone of you, please, ram this chainaxe deep inside me, and rev it as hard as you can!

“I will never be able to look at a chainaxe the same way again…” Muttered Kharn.

The faces of everyone in the room reflected the same disgust as Kharn’s voice.

 **Khorne -** Who in the everliving, MOTHERFUCKING COCKBISCUTS, STOLE MY CHAINAXE!?!? ****  
  
"He sounds somewhat respectable," noted Sigismund.  
  
"You are aware that he’s the so called “Blood God” right? Respectable isn’t the first thing to come to mind when talking about him." remarked Ahriman.  
  
"Still, he sounds like a brave warrior that deserves respect." forged on the son of Dorn.

**Scene 3 - The Golden Throne  
Emps, Kitten**

**Captain-General 'Little Kitten" Kittonius of the Adeptus Custodes -** Oh, my Emperor...  
To think that you suffered this absolutely atrocious fate to keep mankind alive.  
You truly are the graceful guardian of our entire species...

 **The God-Emperor of Mankind -** THANKS, I GET THAT A LOT.  
SO YES, SITTING ON THIS THRONE FOR AN EXTENDED PERIOD OF TIME IS ABSOLUTELY GRADE-A FUCKING AWFUL.

 **Kitten -** No wonder you're using profanity all the time!

 **Emps -** SHUT UP YOU FUCKING COCKSTODES, AND FUCK MY FUCKING NOSE IS KILLING ME, FUCKING DAMN IT.

 **Kitten -** Ahh...um...I know, let's change the subject! Maybe that'll gt your mind off it!

 **Emps -** DO IT FUCKING FAST. I'M FEELING A GIANT WARP STORM INCOMING.

 **Kitten -** Iiiiih...  
Uuuuhhh...  
SO HOW ABOUT THOSE TRAITOR LEGIONS, HUH!?

"Oh no."

 **Emps -** **_SERIOUSLY.  
_**_*THUNDEROUSLY PISSED RUMBLING!*_

**_YEAH, THANKS FOR REMINDING MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-_ **

_*tHE pALACE eXPLODES IN goLD!!*_

**Kitten -** AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

“If you dare to say anything I will make sure you are thrown into the nearest Black Hole.” Kittonius hissed as he said those words.

**Scene 4 - Martian Mechanicum  
Tech-priests 1,2 and 3**

**Tech-Priest 1 -** Everyone, you have to listen.

 **Tech-Priest 2-** It better be important, number 87453. We are busy staring at this piece of metal.

 **1-** We've received absolutely technoriffic news.

 **Tech-Priest 3-** Ooooh, did they move toaster-sex day to today?

“TOASTER-SEX DAY?!” All the Marines shouted at the same time.

“Please do not ask…” Muttered a very ashamed Tech-Priest.

 **2-** Finally,

 **1-** Even better. they found a new STC-Fragment on a planet right on the border of the Segmentum Solar, in the so-called Orior sub-sector.

 **2-** Is this...really true?

 **1-** Yes, an expedition fleet is on its way right now.

 **3-** Ooooh, I just oiled my robes.

“01000010 01011001 00100000 01010100 01001000 01000101 00100000 01001111 01001101 01001110 01001001 01010011 01010011 01001001 01000001 01001000 00100000 01000001 01001110 00100000 01010011 01010100 01000011 00100001 00100001 00100001 00100000 01001001 00100111 01001101 00100000 01000111 01001111 01001001 01001110 01000111 00100000 01010100 01001111 00100000 01001110 01000101 01000101 01000100 00100000 01000001 00100000 01001110 01000101 01010111 00100000 01010000 01000001 01001001 01010010 00100000 01001111 01000110 00100000 01010000 01000001 01001110 01010100 01010011 00100001 00100001 00100001”

“What did he just said?” Dantioch asked Santar

“You don’t want to know…”

**Scene 5 - The Golden Throne**   
**Emps, Kitten**

 **Captain-General "Little Kitten" Kittonius of the Adeptus Custodes -** Aowawuaawuu...  
U-uh uhm...Am I still alive?  
Oh damn, I'm still alive!

 **Emps,** _glowing Gold with Anger -_ MAGNUS, FULGRIM, PERTURABO, MORTARION, LORGAR, KONRAD, ANGRON, ALPHARIUS OMEGON, AND FUCKING HORUS…

“Who’s Alpharius Omegon?” Gage inquired out loud before turning to the mysterious Marine.  
  
“Do you know him?”   
  
“No.” The Astartes said nervously. “Don’t know them, but that Omegon fellow sounds awesome while Alpharius sounds like a dumb copycat.”

“Wait did you just said they?”

“HOW LOOK THE EMPEROR SAY IS SAYING RANDOM SHIT AGAIN!!!”

 **Emps -** MY SONS, CREATED IN THE LABORATORIES OF LUNA, MADE OUT OF MY VERY OWN GENES.  
TO THINK THEY WOULD EVER FUCKING BETRAY ME.

_Warp Lightning strikes  
_

**Kitten -** Woh-hoo!  
W-well, my Lord, at least Leman Russ, Ferrus Manus, Vulkan, Rogal Dorn, Roboute Guilliman, Sanguinius, Lion El'Johnson, Jaghatai Khan, and Corvus Corax remained loyal to you!

 **Emps -** THAT'S STILL NOT FUCKING GOOD ENOUGH.  
I MEAN, I WAS A GREAT FUCKING FATHER TO ALL OF THEM, EVEN IF THEY ALL HAD THEIR OBVIOUS FLAWS.  
MAGNUS BEING A NERDY FUCKING BOOKWORM AND A PSYKER, NOT EVER BEING ABLE TO STAND UP TO THE BROTHERS WHO BULLIED HIM OVER IT.

“Magnus the Bookworm.” Snickered Bjorn.

“Say that again, I dare you!”

“Do you two need another incentive to be civil to each other?” Artellus asked while aiming the heavy flamer at them again.

“Well...can’t deny he’s a bit of a bookworm. Once he forced the full fleet to take a longer route on our way to the next planet on the Conquest list - BTW Marius, Magnus would like me to tell you to tell Guilliman that he really appreciated the Conquest Lists he sent - just because he had sensed a regular non-psychic book in the middle of an Asteroid belt.”

“What book ?”

“It was an ancient tome from the Dark Age of Technology called «Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer»."

“What’s a reindeer?”

“It was a mighty predator from ancient Terra, it was able to shoot lasers from its nose and had the capacity to fly.” spoke up the Tech-Priest.

 **Emps -** FULGRIM BEING A SISSY FUCKING BROWN NOSER WHO WOULD RATHER INDULGE HIMSELF IN HIS SECRET QUEST TO ATTAIN MORE FABULOUS HAIR THAN ME.  
TO THIS DAY, HE HAS NOT SUCCEEDED.

“True…” Admitted Vespasian. “He once had us hunt all Eldar Craftworlds in a sector just so he could find Eldar cosmetics for his hair.”

 **Emps -** PERTURABO WAS ALWAYS SO VOLATILE AND CHILDISH, CONSTANTLY BITCHING, AND MOANING WHEN HE DIDN'T GET AS HE WANTED.

“Tell me about it...when he’s drunk he’s a good fellow but when he’s sober...once he ordered us to bayonet charge a fortress just because Demetrius sneeze in front of him.”

 **Emps -** MORTARION CONSTANTLY SMELT LIKE SHIT FROM DAY ONE.

“...he does have problems with personal hygiene.”

 **Emps -** LORGAR WAS A BRAINWASHED CHOIR BOY WITH A MASSIVE VICTIM COMPLEX.

At hearing this Narek only bowed his head, too ashamed to say anything.

 **Emps -** KONRAD COULDN'T STAND A LITTLE FUCKING SUNLIGHT, AND KEPT FEELING PERSECUTED BY HIS FANTASIES ABOUT A DARK AND DEPRESSING FUTURE.

“Everyone has a edgy phase. You should have seen me during mine.” Was all Sevatarion said.

 **Emps -** ANGRON WAS CONSTANTLY MAD. LIKE, EXTREMELY, EARTHSHATTERINGLY, UNREASONABLY FUCK-ASS MAD.  
PROBABLY BECAUSE HE HAD THOSE FUCKING NAILS IN HIS BRAIN. ****  
  
"No shit Obiwan Sherlock Clousseau.” deadpanned Khârn.  
  
“Did you just make a reference?”  
  
“Dunno, that name just came up in my head.”

 **Emps -** ALPHARIUS OMEGON HAD HUGE ANONYMITY ISSUES.

“Who’s this guy the Emperor keeps talking about? And when did that Marine in the back row leave and get replaced by another Dark Angel?”

 **Emps -** AND FUCKIGN HORUS STARTED OFF NICE AND FRIENDLY, BUT THEN HE DECIDED TO STOP TRUSTING ME WHEN I LEFT FOR TERRA, AND BECAME AN EDGY REBEL INSTEAD, LEADING ALL TRAITOR LEGIONS TO TERRA, AND THEN PUTTING ME ON THIS FUCKING THRONE.

Abaddon stayed silent at this jab on his Primarch, but the sound of furious paper scratching could be heard from where Kittonius was seated.

 **Kitten -** Right, right my lord!  
It is no wonder the most flawed sons of yours betrayed you.  
The pure, noble and flawless ones were to remain naturally!

 **Emps -** I'D AGREE WITH YOU, BUT NOPE.  
EVEN THE LOYAL ONES WERE FLAWED AS FUCK.  
LEMAN RUSS WAS A BIGOTED, SELF-RIGHTEOUS, UNNECESSARILY RASH, AND HAD A FETISH FOR WOLVES.

“Hahaha! The Allfather really knows Russ!”

 **Emps -** FERRUS MANUS WAS A BRUTISH ASSCRACK WITH A SURVIVAL-OF-THE-FITTEST MINDSET, THINKING ALL "WEAKNESS" WITHIN THE HUMAN SPECIES NEEDED TO BE DESTROYED.

“He’s right you know?”

“He’s not a asscrack!!” snapped Gabriel Santar at Dantioch.

“But he’s an asshole. You have to admit that he’s an asshole.”

“...true.”

 **Emps -** VULKAN DIED ALL THE FUCKING TIME, AND WAS ALWAYS TOO DAMNED NICE.

“How exactly can a Primarch be too damned nice ?” questioned Artellus. “How can being nice be a flaw?!”

“Are you seriously going to overlook the ‘died all the time’ part?” Abaddon asked Artellus.

“Probably just a figure of speech.”

"I’m pretty sure he’s being literal!!”

 **Emps -** ROGAL DORN WAS JUST WAY TOO UPTIGHT, AND BRUTALLY HONEST, NEVER BEING CAPABLE OF EVEN TELLING A WHITE LITTLE LIE TO MAKE SOMEONE FEEL BETTER ABOUT THEMSELVES.

“We once managed to get a loyal system to rebel because Rogal said the Governor that he desperately needed a diet. And that he should cut his mustache because it could never compare to the, and I quote here, ‘Dornstache’.”

“There is a narrow line between honesty and insulting people for pleasure.” cringed Raldoron. The “and he definitely was past it” went unsaid.

 **Emps -** ROBOUTE GUILLIMAN ALWAYS ACTED INFALLIBLE IN HIS STEADFAST CLINGING TO EVERYTHING BEING HELD TRADITIONAL, PLAIN AND UNCON-FUCKING-VENTIONAL. YET WASN'T AS INFALLIBLE AS HE WANTED TO BELIEVE.

“True.”

“Pretty spot on.” Vespasian agreed with Kharn

“Best summary of Guilliman I have ever heard.” snorted Narek.

“Will you three idiots stop insulting my Primarch!”

 **Emps -** LION EL'JOHNSON WAS JUST A MESS. BEING BOTH A SELF ABSORBED, SPITEFUL AND ENVIOUS PRICK AND AN HONORABLE, COURAGEOUS, AND DUTIFUL WARRIOR AT THE SAME TIME.

FUCKING CONFUSING.

If the Dark Angel Legionaries had something to say about this, they kept it to themselves.

 **Emps -** JAGHATAI KHAN WAS ALWAYS SO FUCKING RECKLESS,AND CONSTANTLY HYPED UP ON SPEED. ****  
  
"Thinking and moving faster than your foe are always pretty fucking useful." noted Yesugei.

 **Emps -** AND LASTLY, CORVUS CORAX WAS ALWAYS SO INFERNALLY FUCKING ANGSTY.

“You should hear his poetry. It’s depressing.” noted Branne Nev.

“Depressing in its subject, or depressingly bad ?” asked Vespasian, curious. After all, couldn’t a Primarch do anything if he put his mind to it ?

“Both.”

 **Kitten -** O-oh...  
I see, my Lord...  
Wait, what about Sanguinius?

 **Emps -** DON'T YOU TALK SHIT ABOUT MY FABULOUS FUCKING HAWK-BOY.  
HE DIED FOR ME, SO BE GRATEFUL.

“Shut up.” Abaddon told Roldoron when he saw his smug look.

 **Kitten -** Alright, of course!  
Well, what about those two other Primarchs?  
I don't even remember their names.

 **Emps -** WE DON'T TALK ABOUT THEM.

 **Kitten -** Uhm, why?

 **Emps -** _**BECAUSE WE DON'T TALK ABOUT THEM.** _

**Kitten -** Right, I won't ask again!  
However, I just cannot understand why they'd betray you.

 **Emps -** I KNOW RIGHT.  
I MEAN, SURE, LORGAR GREW UP ON A PLANET FULL OF CHAOS WORSHIPERS, BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN HE COULDN'T START USING HIS FUCKING BRAIN.  
ESPECIALLY ONCE I CAME ALONG TO STRAIGHTEN HIM OUT.  
THE REST SEEMINGLY DID IT BECAUSE THEY EITHER WERE CORRUPTED BY CHAOS THROUGH LORGAR, TOOK TOO MUCH OFFENSE WHEN I TOLD THEM I HAD SOME DADDY THINGS TO DO BACK ON TERRA, OR WHEN I TRIED TO CORRECT THEM WHEN THEY WERE DOING STUPID THINGS.

 **Kitten -** I have to ask, since that's apparently my duty nowadays, why did you not tell them what you were going to do back on Terra?

 **Emps -** WELL, WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO SAY?  
I CAN'T JUST TELL MY OWN CHILDREN THAT I AM BUILDING A GATE INTO THE WEBWAY BECAUSE I NEEDED SOME BOOTY, AND ELDAR PROSTITUTES ARE CHEAPER AND A LOT LESS SHODDY.

“This is a lie. Eldar Prostitutes are far more shoddy than the average non-Eldar Prostitute.” Raldoron shuffled uneasily to the side when he realised he’d said that loud.

“And how do you know this?” inquired Abbadon, while everyone inched back in shock.

“.......I found about it on the Great Malcadoor.”

“And what were you doing Malcadooring about Eldar Prostitutes?”

“........I clicked on the wrong hypervox link.”

“Suuuuuuuuuuure.” You could poke at the doubt in the Luna Wolf’s voice with a powermaul.

 **Kitten -** I'm sorry, WHAT!?

 **Emps -** I SAID, I CAN'T JUST TELL MY OWN CHILDREN THAT I AM BUILDING A GATE INTO THE WEBWAY BECAUSE HUMANITY NEEDS SOME BOOTING UP IN ITS TRANSPORTATION DEPARTMENT, AND ELDAR WEBWAYS ARE SAFER AND A LOT LESS SHODDY THAN WARP TRAVEL.

“Great save.”

 **Kitten -** Ah, that's what I thought!

 **Emps -** I COULD NOT TAKE ANY RISKS WITH THIS PROJECT, AND TELLING MY SONS WOULD INDEED HAVE CREATED UNNECESSARY RISKS.

“Like them finding that their dad still has sex after 35,000 years.”

“What is sex?” asked the Salamander

“One day we will explain it to you Artellus, when you are older.”

“I’m older than you, Bjorn.” he snapped back sulkily.

“WHEN YOU ARE OLDER!!!”

 **Emps -** THEIR TRUST IN ME SHOULD NOT HAVE SWAYED WHEN I LEFT.  
IT'S NOT LIKE I'M DEMANDING FULL ACCESS DISCLOSURE TO THEIR EVERYDAY LIVES, EVEN IF I'M THEIR FATHER.  
I MEAN, IMAGINE IF I HAD, FOR EXAMPLE; STEPPED INTO LION EL'JOHNSON'S ROOM AND BEEN ALL LIKE 'HEY SONNY, HOW'S BUILDING THAT HOMOSEXUAL NIGHT CLUB COMING ALONG FOR YOU?'

“So that’s what he’s using the Fortress of Lupus for ?!” exclaimed the unnamed Dark Angel.

<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tVj0ZTS4WF4" rel="nofollow">Meanwhile, at The Rock Night club...</a>

“I have a bad feeling about this club…”

 **Kitten -** Oh yes, I fully understand my Lord!

 **Emps -** IN FACT, AS WELL AS RETURNING TO TERRA TO BUILD THE HUMAN WEBWAY, I GUESS YOU COULD SAY THAT I WAS TESTING THEM TO SEE HOW MY SONS WOULD WORK TOGETHER WITHOUT ME TO GUIDE THEM.  
AS IT TURNS OUT, NOT MUCH BETTER THAN REGULAR HUMANS LEFT TO THEIR OWN DEVICES.

 **Kitten -** I see. Euhm, can I ask about another thing?

 **Emps -** YOU ARE GOING TO ANYWAY, REGARDLESS OF HOW I ANSWER, AREN'T YOU?

 **Kitten -** Even if all of your sons are obviously flawed, isn't there anything good about them, I mean, even the ones who betrayed you?

Is there anything good you see in them?

 **Emps -** WELL, NOW THAT YOU MENTION IT…

“Well, that’s disappointing. For what it’s worth, I’d have liked to hear what the Emperor liked about our Primarchs…” Said a very disappointed Dantioch.

“Well, we could do it ourselves?”

“What you mean?”

“We could share some funny stories about our Primarchs.”

“That sounds like the best idea for a special ever!”

Meanwhile, somewhere else in the _Photep_ , with the Fabulous Custodes...

“Where in the name of all the gold bars in the Imperial Palace is the Armoury?!”

“Brothers, it is a constant in all Gloriana battleships, if we turn to the left next to the library we should get there!”

“Which library?! We walked by five in the past 2 minutes!!”  
  
“...the next one!”

As they rushed into what they hoped was the armoury, they soon felt a strange presence in the air.

“Brothers.” Karius said seriously. “Can you feel this?”  
  
“Yes. I can feel the taint, think the XV is also corrupted?”

“Two legions? As much as I dislike the mindless runts, I don’t think the XV would be corrupted, the Emperor is sure of their loyalty, otherwise he wouldn’t send them as the vanguard.”

“Best we investigate anyway, when it comes to the Ruinous Powers our orders are clear.”

“Let’s go then.”


End file.
